Atomic Bomb Exploded...R Fragments Everywhere!

[jroepel]

Howdy! Jethro when things get really F'd and you feel yourself getting frustraited with things Try "deep breathing" I learned that in AngMan class. Yesterday was a BAD day and I huffed and puffed a hundred times to get through it but it helped with the anxity and frustration. You know I've been saying I'm loseing it in my posts. But it got me through another day. ( sonund like AA ) You are healing with her! Remember when a cut heals it itches like hell. What you are feeling is that annoying itch. It will pass. Time. Pacients. Relax. Let it come. It's in yourself that is causeing you to feel like this and it's tearing you up friend! Focus on the goal and don't let these feeling that you can control blurr you .

[jethro]

Wow! Lot's of visits today. Very nice. It's raining here in CA, but feeling pretty good! Sorry in advance for the long post. Well, let's get started shall we...

Just found your thread yesterday. I owe you thanks for posting because your situation really resonated for me and led me to think about my sitch in a new light.

I'm ingesting my anger and resentment, not releasing them and that is not healthy for me or my M. Secondly, no matter how much I wish and hope for it, my H. is NOT going to necessarily resolve and deal with the aftermath of the A. in the way that I want him to. I cannot control how he responds to me. I can ask for what I need and I can DB but the outcome is not something I actually have control over.

Sage, I'm glad my sitch is helpful to you.

In terms of internalizing your anger, I hope you're venting on the BB (haven't read your sitch yet), because that's where I'm doing it. Sure wouldn't be too swift laying into my W every day now would it? In terms of how my W deals with her A, it's not that I expect HER to deal with HER feelings a certain way...it's more acknowledging what I've done during her Year of Belligerence. I reiterate, it is ENTIRELY self-serving, but hell, I did work my ass off didn't I, and have chosen to accept her failings in light of her extreme breach of trust!?!? Unfortunately, her pain overshadows many of our conversations (be they R talk or otherwise), so it's hard to not vacillate over how she's dealing with her pain. Does that make sense? Also, I am fully cognizant of the fact that she's already told me I've taken this real well and have been a "saint" (in her words). I guess, for me, I'm just looking for any words (Love Language?) of encouragement to help alleviate some of the pain, but I just gotta deal with it. Tough toenails, right!

I'm reminded of the phrase, "beware a woman's scorn." It think it would be more appropriate as "beware a woman's guilt," as the later drives the former in our cases!

By the way, I am reading Love Languages now and am almost done. I will then ask my W to read it. I believe she will...

he's gone from being withdrawn and distant to being affectionate and loving -- but I'm unsatisfied because what I need/want is discussion and resolution and answers! I need to recognize the efforts that he IS making and see what I can do to get them supplemented with a bit more of what I think I need. But, I cannot discount all that he IS doing.

My W is less withdrawn than she has been, but it's still there. Fortunately, she's willing to discuss pretty much anything and doesn't seem to want to fly away in the face of it. In fact, I have to give her credit because she has been taking some of my vitriol (only did it a couple of times, guys) and has not defended herself. But lately, I've totally backed off on the R and A talk.

Ok how about I handle the PA thing and you handle the validation thing?

Deal.

Abby, maybe I am being too hard on myself about dealing with the PA. I suspected it for some time, and made the decision months ago that if I found out, I'd try and work it out. However, actually finding out about it was a little more than I had bargained for. I also plan on getting away for a couple of days. And yes, the Yoga helped. It was fantastic! I was actually in the "zone" for a few minutes. Never had that experience before.

not really a good way to go about things.

Say what you really think, LL. I KNOW! I'm doing the best I can...

the fact that you are getting more than you did before is maybe w's way of comforting you. If she did go all out and kissed your ass, would it really comfort you? it wouldn't last anyway and things would simply go back to normal, this way you are getting a more real w.

I suppose you are right and this needs to be where my focus is. Believe me, I'm not as bad in person with her as I may appear on the BB.

you can look at it as a crisis or as an opportunity

Yes, I agree wholeheartedly. However, I'm once again putting my heart on the chopping block, taking a risk that she's going to whack it again. YOU know how hard that is!

And I bought myself flowers and created some mystery in W's mind as to their origin and may be beginning to pursue.

Interesting about the word, "crisis." Last night in Yoga we were read a poem about "certainty." The point of which was to say that in the universe nothing is certain. My lesson here? Let go...I have no control.

Remember when a cut heals it itches like hell.

Good analogy, J-Ro. How true...

Thanks for the support everyone. I wasn't doing too well this morning, but I'm feeling MUCH better now. We are having some company over tonight, which I'm looking forward to. And Bob, I will have fun...

I think my 4.5 year old D is sensing something from me. Last night she kept wanting me to go sit on our recliner with her and snuggle. She's a pretty confident little girl, so she doesn't ask for affection too much (in fact, she can be quite stingy). When she was on my lap she whispered very quietly in my ear, "I love you very much." She's such a sweetie. When I told her I had to go to Yoga, she seemed really bummed and when I asked if she was okay she was quiet for a moment, then said, "my eyes are just a little wet." Is this an intuitive little girl or what?!?! Believe me, I DO NOT dump on my kids and try and act upbeat when I'm around them. Go figure!

I hope all of you guys have a great day!

jethro

[Floyd101]

Very good analogy J-ro.

I like that one a lot.

[KAW]

Good day Jethro,
I sense the healing within has already started. I think soon you'll start seeing you can put together more and more better days and then you will start to notice you're having less and less bad times.



... and I'll keep sending smiles your way to remind of that ...



'til later,
KAW

[RJJ]

Hi Jethro,

I am sorry I haven't been around for a few days. Took me a while to catch up here!

she's already told me I've taken this real well and have been a "saint"

Wow! Remind yourself of the things she has said like this. She may not validate your struggles as often as you like, but when she does, she really does!

I think my 4.5 year old D is sensing something from me. ... Is this an intuitive little girl or what?!?!

God bless her! You know I have had similar experiences with my 6 y.o. son - he continues to astound me!

I am glad you are getting so much wonderful support here. Take good care, my friend!

rjj

[jroepel]

How is the read, Is it "The Five Languages of love?" I've thought about getting that one and reading it. Also heard alot of good stuff about, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. What's your take on these two?

[jethro]

Hey Guys!

KAW, you're right. I am starting to feel a little better about things. It seems to be a bit better each progressive day.

RJJ, I do try and remind myself of the things my W has said. Of course, the "saint" comment really stuck in my head. She actually said this the day after she told me about the A.

J-Ro, Love Languages is pretty good, and helps one to understand the needs of their S better. I am almost done, but it will require some discussions with my W to really figure out her language. I think I know, but am not too sure. For you, I know you can't really talk to your W about it, but it's still likely to help you identify what would make her feel loved. Also, I never read Mars/Venus...and I've heard both positive and negative things about it. In time, I'll probably get it, just to see what it has to offer.

Thanks everyone for your support. Had an interesting discussion with my W last night that I am going to share in my next post.

jethro

[jethro]

Well, we had company over last night, which was fun. The evening went without a hitch and we all ended up in our family room talking. For most of the day I felt pretty good, but my W sat down on the floor in front of me, I looked at her face, and got that sinking "damn, how could you" feeling. I'm sure most of you can relate to this feeling, but I tried to blow it off and continue having fun.

So, my W and I get into bed and are just relaxing. The light is on (as I always read), but I was on my back with my eyes closed. She was just laying next to me not saying anything, but looking at me. So, I know I'm not supposed to write dialog, but it's relevant here:

W: What are you thinking about?
Me: Lots of stuff (I was rubbing my face/head like I do when I'm trying to get thoughts of my W in bed with another man out of my mind).
W: Like what?
Me: Just different stuff.
W: Yucky thoughts? (of course, meaning the A)
Me: Yes.
W: I noticed you got a little quiet tonight when we were talking. Is this what you were thinking about? (damn, I can't put ANYTHING past her...and I thought I hid it real well)
Me: Yes. You noticed, huh?
W: Will you ever want to be with me?
(I was quiet for a moment, then turned to look her in the eyes, which looked sad)
Me: Of course I want to be with you. I think in a few years we won't think much about this. That's not so say that we won't still be pained by it sometimes.
W: You have a lot of faith.
Me: ( didn't like that comment because I know it's somewhat fatalistic) Why do you say that?
W: I still feel like I have a wild hair up my a$$.
Me: What do you mean by that?
W: Can't we just leave it at that?
Me: No. Why do you say that?
W: Are you really as calm as you appear to be? ( another thing she has noticed about my changes...it's nice to be noticed)
Me: (quiet for a moment) Yes I am.
W: (trying to change subject with small talk)
Me: Why do you say you have a wild hair up...
W: I just feel like I need my independence sometimes.
Me: From what?
W: Everything (meaning M and our children). Not that I would ever do THAT (meaning the A) again, or anything...
Me: You realize that this is something you have to work out yourself...that you will still have the same feelings even if you were independent. (I went out on a limb with this comment, but I thought she was ready to hear it)
W: Yes, I know.
Me: (relief) Well, do you know what you need to do to make yourself feel more comfortable?
W: (not really saying anything)
Me: You know, I have some ideas, but I'm afraid to tell you because I think you'll run in the other direction.
W: Yes. (interesting how she acknowledged how she didn't want my input...I'll heed that warning)
Me: Let me ask you this: Were you feeling better when you were working? (my W got a seasonal job that just ended with the end of the holidays)
W: (quiet for a moment) Yes...a little bit.
Me: So what does that tell you? (I'm sure you could tell I was leading her down a path)
W: That I need to get a job. Do something else, a hobby and blah blah blah.
Me: The only way you can work on our M is if you work on yourself.
W: I know.

Well, I left a few things out that were not as significant, but you got the gist. She assured me more than once that even though she felt this way, she'd never cheat on me again (oddly, the thought didn't really cross my mind). Interesting conversation. So, clearly my W is NOT feeling as good as I thought...not that I ever thought she was 100%. But, I thought maybe she was 75% back...now I think it's more like 55%. Ugh! More DBing to be done here.

So, input here guys? The way I look at it is a year ago when she pretty much told me the same stuff, I was clingy, whiny, etc., now I'm much more grounded. Also, although she knew before that she needed to do something (hobby or work), she really didn't want to make the effort. Now, it seems as though she really understands that she needs to do something. One more important thing to note that is different than before is that she really feels safe telling me her feelings. I am glad of this because it lets me know where she stands and I can act accordingly--push for a little more or simply back off totally.

I can't say that I was surprised with what she said. I don't expect her to change her entire perspective overnight, but I'm hoping she's on her way to healing herself. She's the only one that can do it. I have 0 power and just need to be encouraging and not overbearing. Although this feels like a step backwards, I'm okay with it. I guess it'll just take a little longer than I had hoped.

I need feedback here, guys. Please???

jethro

[Umbrella24]

I think you need to be real careful about pushing her to get a job/hobby/whatever. You know she needs to, and more importantly, SHE knows she needs to. I would leave it at that. What I think you should do is if she does find something to do, no matter how insignificant or uninteresting it may be to you, give her 100% support and encouragement for it. That will make her feel better about it, and it might just help you heal your wounds a little bit faster.

Jim

[ANewBob]

Jethro - what an evening you had!

So W still feels like she has a wild hair - and that she appears not to want an A again but feels that she is still missing something. I agree with U24 - be supportive of her efforts at landing a job or finding a hobby that she wants to try. Doesn't matter what it is as long as W is happy with her choice - and it is her choice.

The way I look at it is a year ago when she pretty much told me the same stuff, I was clingy, whiny, etc., now I'm much more grounded. Also, although she knew before that she needed to do something (hobby or work), she really didn't want to make the effort. Now, it seems as though she really understands that she needs to do something. One more important thing to note that is different than before is that she really feels safe telling me her feelings. I am glad of this because it lets me know where she stands and I can act accordingly--push for a little more or simply back off totally.

Jethro - this speaks volumes of how far you (and W) have come. But it also speaks to what you need to continue to do: stay as well-grounded as possible, be supportive. Only you know when you should back off and when to give W a gentle nudge.

I can't say that I was surprised with what she said. I don't expect her to change her entire perspective overnight, but I'm hoping she's on her way to healing herself. She's the only one that can do it. I have 0 power and just need to be encouraging and not overbearing. Although this feels like a step backwards, I'm okay with it. I guess it'll just take a little longer than I had hoped.

Jethro - you're not going backwards and you laid out your game plan for the short term. While W begins her healing, continue yours. If it takes a little bit longer, so be it as long as you reach your goal of a better marriage. Hope that mine will begin to turn positive soon - think that I have some clues but need to crystallize them into actions...