Atomic Bomb Exploded...R Fragments Everywhere!

[jethro]

Wow! Lot's of visits today. Very nice. It's raining here in CA, but feeling pretty good! Sorry in advance for the long post. Well, let's get started shall we...

Just found your thread yesterday. I owe you thanks for posting because your situation really resonated for me and led me to think about my sitch in a new light.

I'm ingesting my anger and resentment, not releasing them and that is not healthy for me or my M. Secondly, no matter how much I wish and hope for it, my H. is NOT going to necessarily resolve and deal with the aftermath of the A. in the way that I want him to. I cannot control how he responds to me. I can ask for what I need and I can DB but the outcome is not something I actually have control over.

Sage, I'm glad my sitch is helpful to you.

In terms of internalizing your anger, I hope you're venting on the BB (haven't read your sitch yet), because that's where I'm doing it. Sure wouldn't be too swift laying into my W every day now would it? In terms of how my W deals with her A, it's not that I expect HER to deal with HER feelings a certain way...it's more acknowledging what I've done during her Year of Belligerence. I reiterate, it is ENTIRELY self-serving, but hell, I did work my ass off didn't I, and have chosen to accept her failings in light of her extreme breach of trust!?!? Unfortunately, her pain overshadows many of our conversations (be they R talk or otherwise), so it's hard to not vacillate over how she's dealing with her pain. Does that make sense? Also, I am fully cognizant of the fact that she's already told me I've taken this real well and have been a "saint" (in her words). I guess, for me, I'm just looking for any words (Love Language?) of encouragement to help alleviate some of the pain, but I just gotta deal with it. Tough toenails, right!

I'm reminded of the phrase, "beware a woman's scorn." It think it would be more appropriate as "beware a woman's guilt," as the later drives the former in our cases!

By the way, I am reading Love Languages now and am almost done. I will then ask my W to read it. I believe she will...

he's gone from being withdrawn and distant to being affectionate and loving -- but I'm unsatisfied because what I need/want is discussion and resolution and answers! I need to recognize the efforts that he IS making and see what I can do to get them supplemented with a bit more of what I think I need. But, I cannot discount all that he IS doing.

My W is less withdrawn than she has been, but it's still there. Fortunately, she's willing to discuss pretty much anything and doesn't seem to want to fly away in the face of it. In fact, I have to give her credit because she has been taking some of my vitriol (only did it a couple of times, guys) and has not defended herself. But lately, I've totally backed off on the R and A talk.

Ok how about I handle the PA thing and you handle the validation thing?

Deal.

Abby, maybe I am being too hard on myself about dealing with the PA. I suspected it for some time, and made the decision months ago that if I found out, I'd try and work it out. However, actually finding out about it was a little more than I had bargained for. I also plan on getting away for a couple of days. And yes, the Yoga helped. It was fantastic! I was actually in the "zone" for a few minutes. Never had that experience before.

not really a good way to go about things.

Say what you really think, LL. I KNOW! I'm doing the best I can...

the fact that you are getting more than you did before is maybe w's way of comforting you. If she did go all out and kissed your ass, would it really comfort you? it wouldn't last anyway and things would simply go back to normal, this way you are getting a more real w.

I suppose you are right and this needs to be where my focus is. Believe me, I'm not as bad in person with her as I may appear on the BB.

you can look at it as a crisis or as an opportunity

Yes, I agree wholeheartedly. However, I'm once again putting my heart on the chopping block, taking a risk that she's going to whack it again. YOU know how hard that is!

And I bought myself flowers and created some mystery in W's mind as to their origin and may be beginning to pursue.

Interesting about the word, "crisis." Last night in Yoga we were read a poem about "certainty." The point of which was to say that in the universe nothing is certain. My lesson here? Let go...I have no control.

Remember when a cut heals it itches like hell.

Good analogy, J-Ro. How true...

Thanks for the support everyone. I wasn't doing too well this morning, but I'm feeling MUCH better now. We are having some company over tonight, which I'm looking forward to. And Bob, I will have fun...

I think my 4.5 year old D is sensing something from me. Last night she kept wanting me to go sit on our recliner with her and snuggle. She's a pretty confident little girl, so she doesn't ask for affection too much (in fact, she can be quite stingy). When she was on my lap she whispered very quietly in my ear, "I love you very much." She's such a sweetie. When I told her I had to go to Yoga, she seemed really bummed and when I asked if she was okay she was quiet for a moment, then said, "my eyes are just a little wet." Is this an intuitive little girl or what?!?! Believe me, I DO NOT dump on my kids and try and act upbeat when I'm around them. Go figure!

I hope all of you guys have a great day!

jethro