Atomic Bomb Exploded...R Fragments Everywhere!

[sage]

Jethro -- Just found your thread yesterday. I owe you thanks for posting because your situation really resonated for me and led me to think about my sitch in a new light. I've shared some thoughts with you below! recap of my sitch: married 7 years, no kids, found out 2 months ago of EA between H. and woman he worked with (after 6 months of suspecting and him denying it. He still denies PA but who knows?) We're still together and he's been very loving and affectionate but there's no talk of A. or future of our M.

What the hell is going on with my W? How can she act almost like nothing ever happened sometimes? I know it's self-centered and likely unhealthy, but why isn't she kissing my a$$ at every opportunity? Why isn't she making me a plaque for winning brownie button of the year? Don't get me wrong, she's more giving these days than she has been in a long time, but (LL's favorite phrase) WTF?

So, this is what got me started thinking...this past weekend after a LONG week of almost constant togetherness, I was exhausted from DB'ing. We went to eat lunch at a local sub shop and even though we were planning on eating there, I ordered my stuff "to go" since I knew I'd want to take half of it home and that way I'd have all the wrapping, etc, already. Well, H. got peeved at that and as I stared at him incredulously, it took every ounce of DBing strength to not scream at him "You had an EA for 6 months, lied to my face over and over, told another woman you loved her, may still be carrying on with, ignore discussions of it and you're pissed because I ordered my lunch to go????" (Picture a spewing, venomous, dragon head and you'll know how I felt). But, I didn't say anything

So, the combination of that event and your post made me realize a few things -- first of all, I'm ingesting my anger and resentment, not releasing them and that is not healthy for me or my M. Secondly, no matter how much I wish and hope for it, my H. is NOT going to necessarily resolve and deal with the aftermath of the A. in the way that I want him to. I cannot control how he responds to me. I can ask for what I need and I can DB but the outcome is not something I actually have control over.

Through the years I've always told her how special she was, beautiful, that I loved her, she was sexy, and so on, but what did I ever get? Not a whole hell of a lot. Maybe an ILY reciprocated.

Have you read "The Five Love Languages"? I recently did and realized that while I LOVE to HEAR from H. how he feels about me, words themselves mean very little to him -- he needs to SEE it and FEEL it in ACTIONS. (Premise of the book is that we often feel as though we're flooding our spouses with love not realizing that we're not delivering the message in a medium they understand and appreciate).

Then they got a little risque making comparisons with different levels of infidelity. Well, needless to say, this made me feel like crap. I felt like turning the damn movie off! My W made some light effort to be affectionate with me, but I just felt distant. She knew too, asked, and I told her I wasn't thrilled with the movie's dialog. End of discussion right then.

For the last few months it seems as though every book, tv show and movie has SOMETHING to do with infidelity. Yuck.

but they are just that...words. I want action. I want her to DB my a$$ off. I want her to read a bunch of books like I have, and do everything in her power to get close to me.

Kinda similar comments to above .... you can ask for what you want, and use DB techniques but in the end, you will NOT be able to control how your wife handles this. I realized this AM that my H. has actually done his own 180 -- he's gone from being withdrawn and distant to being affectionate and loving -- but I'm unsatisfied because what I need/want is discussion and resolution and answers! I need to recognize the efforts that he IS making and see what I can do to get them supplemented with a bit more of what I think I need. But, I cannot discount all that he IS doing. Gonna work this into my DB goals somehow.

Yes, I'm frustrated, but I'm not saying anything to her about it (okay KAW?).

Ditto for me on both accounts. Thanks again for posting your thoughts -- you helped me gain some clarity! I hope that my responses might help you, too, in even the smallest of ways!

--Sage