Hey Owen, Jim, and LL. Okay, LL, you want to know what's up...well, you asked for it.
What the hell is going on with my W? How can she act almost like nothing ever happened sometimes? I know it's self-centered and likely unhealthy, but why isn't she kissing my a$$ at every opportunity? Why isn't she making me a plaque for winning brownie button of the year? Don't get me wrong, she's more giving these days than she has been in a long time, but (LL's favorite phrase) WTF? Every time I see her the big white elephant is standing on each of our toes, yet most of the time nothing is really said. She knows that I want very much to hear endearing words from her mouth, yet she won't do it. She's holding back...being cold sometimes. Is she not ready? Well, then why the hell did she come back!?!? Through the years I've always told her how special she was, beautiful, that I loved her, she was sexy, and so on, but what did I ever get? Not a whole hell of a lot. Maybe an ILY reciprocated. I'm bugged today.
Last night we watched Pulp Fiction, which I haven't seen for years. You remember one of the first scenes when John Travolta and Samuel Jackson were talking about how a guy got thrown out of a 4-story window for giving another man's W a foot message? Then they got a little risque making comparisons with different levels of infidelity. Well, needless to say, this made me feel like crap. I felt like turning the damn movie off! My W made some light effort to be affectionate with me, but I just felt distant. She knew too, asked, and I told her I wasn't thrilled with the movie's dialog. End of discussion right then.
THIS SUCKS!!! These day-to-day machinations are going to drive me nuts!
Something happened on Friday night that I wanted to share with you guys (and forgot) when my W and I were out. We went to a Karaoke bar together...not the one she met the OM (she promised never to go there again), but another one. We both sat in the car, anxious to go in because, in a way, she mentally left me for Karaoke, then met OM during this involvement. So, it's a sensitive subject. She kept asking me if I felt okay about going because of all that happened. I told her that she loves to sing and that we really need to separate the fact that she loves to sing from what happened. I went on to say that I nor she could deny herself the pleasure of that outlet. So, we got there and I parked the car. We sat in a car a few minutes, both feeling anxious. She then said something interesting...she swore on our children's lives that she would never cheat on me again...that it was so horrible...the lies...how it made her feel, etc. I agree these are powerful words (especially coming from a mother), but they are just that...words. I want action. I want her to DB my a$$ off. I want her to read a bunch of books like I have, and do everything in her power to get close to me.
Yes, I'm frustrated, but I'm not saying anything to her about it (okay KAW?).
