you are right that it would have been a much better and healthier thing for my h to confess then stick around and try to work it out. but that wasn't the plan for me i guess. i needed to learn that i would be ok on my own so i wouldn't choose my h out of desperation instead of trying to make a go of it for the right reasons. plus my h needed to hit rock bottom in order to self reflect and get the help he needed. it sounds like you w is a good person who made a bad mistake. i think she has courage in that she came clean and wants to do the hard work to make it better. many of our spouces hit the dirt running rather than face the consequences and pain. have a great day! lisa
I guess if she asks you to take her to your leader, you know you are in trouble.
On a more serious note:
It has been almost 4 months since I found out W had an A. I dont have any way of talking about it with her because she isnt ready yet and might not ever be. I still feel angry about it, but sometimes I dont think about it. Even when she is around. I know what you mean about seeing her naked and it sending your mind reeling to the A. I have been there and am still there ocasionally. Actually I think A is still going on, but there is nothing I can do about it, so I am forcing it out of my head for now. Will it reapear? You bet it will. Just have to focus on not letting it get to me. Your W wants to be forgiven. That is a major step in the right direction. My W still has a F*** You attitude about it. I am not over it, but it is easier to deal with today, than it was 4 months ago. I dont think about it everyday like I used to. Just hang in there Jethro, you will make it. Forgiveness is in your heart. You just have to find it. Give it time. What you are going thru is normal.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Well B, I too, like you, have not spent enough time over the weekend on the boards. I just got caught up. I am so sorry to hear your pain. Your getting great advice and I dont have much to add. I was going to suggest the weekend get-away. It might do you good. You need some space. We all have our doubts - those are neg. thoughts.
I was reminded today of a couple who went through D b/c of a PA by the wife. The ex-h was hurt at the time but as he reflects back if he had this board he would not have filed for D. Give it time. Patience is not my virtue as you know but we will work on it together. Tomorrow is a new day. A
it's funny jethro, my h also knows about the board and has asked what you all say about things. once I did make the mistake of telling him that people thought he wasn't ready to put the ring back on yet. but then I also backed it up by letting him know that if not for the people here, I probably would have given up a long time ago!!
I think sometimes they (the was who does return) may feel threatend by the bb. because they do not understand what it is all about and what we really do for each other here.
I'm glad you've joined us in peicing! just keep reminding yourself one day at a time, and if that doesn't work well then one minute at a time!!
we can and will prevail, on the other end of all this mess and pain we will be stronger and better people, hopefully with better marriages thrown in as an added bonus!!
Quoting jethro: Well, KAW, you're going to be annoyed with me, ...
Good day Jethro,
One of the first things I learned from DB, is that getting annoyed doesn't get me any closer to my goals. One of my first major 180's, as I was constantly annoyed about everything, wife, kids, cat, job, neighbors, NY Giants!... I was well on my way to becoming a grumpy lonely old man! ... so you don't have to worry about me getting annoyed anymore ...
Seriously, the advice and insights I give are meant to show you of one possible outcome based on my personal experience. Whether what I write applies to your sitch is up to you and only you know best. At worst, its all trial and error. In which case, you have to ask yourself from your observations if what you are doing is working or not?
With that said, talking to her last night seemed to be better than avoiding her by staying in the bathroom and the way you directed the discussion seemed to have worked, so you did alright. You got through it better than before, so you are getting closer to your goal and that is how you get through this ... one small step at a time. Taking it day by day, attempting to make the next day better than the last.
One other thought, there will be times when some physical space would be better than confronting her. It might be prudient to think of somewhere you can go before hand. I came up with a little riverside park. It turned out to be the right place for a little quiet time to relect the few times I needed it. However, this time of year ...
Quoting Lisa:my h needed to hit rock bottom in order to self reflect and get the help he needed. it sounds like you w is a good person who made a bad mistake. i think she has courage in that she came clean and wants to do the hard work to make it better. many of our spouces hit the dirt running rather than face the consequences and pain.
Yes, she did have to hit rock bottom. I've really been wondering when this rock bottom event was for my W. I've asked her numerous times when she finally made the decision to work on our M and she can't really tell me. I actually wonder if she made this decision right after the second bomb, (which is when I first found DR and started DBing). This is interesting because it's possible my W chose to really work on our R at the very same time I began to DB. If this is the case, then I'm sure my DBing efforts help soldify her resolve to work things out between us.
Quoting Owen:Just hang in there Jethro, you will make it. Forgiveness is in your heart. You just have to find it. Give it time. What you are going thru is normal.
Thanks, Owen. I have to say it's already getting better.
Quoting Abby:I was reminded today of a couple who went through D b/c of a PA by the wife. The ex-h was hurt at the time but as he reflects back if he had this board he would not have filed for D. Give it time.
Thanks, Abby. This reminds me of something LL said about how who knows which is more painful: dealing with the pain of a EA/PA, or getting a D. I imagine having a D is much worse in the long run because one has to deal with it for the rest of their life. It's definitely more painful for the children...
Quoting LL:I think sometimes they (the was who does return) may feel threatend by the bb. because they do not understand what it is all about and what we really do for each other here.
Well, I have to say my W is very accepting and happy that I have this support. Although, she did get annoyed yesterday when I hid in my office for a while and got online. Tough, as far as I'm concerned.
In any case, I was good yesterday. I didn't talk about our R. At one point, my W saw the pained look on my face and asked me if I was okay. I just said, "yes, and we're not going to talk about this stuff today." I think it helped. Another day (1440 minutes) gone, LL...and feeling better with each one passing...
Oops...missed your post, KAW. I certainly know what you mean about being annoyed with everything. That was also a 180 on my part. Ever since I chilled out my W says it's much easier to be around me.
Quote: One other thought, there will be times when some physical space would be better than confronting her. It might be prudient to think of somewhere you can go before hand. I came up with a little riverside park.
I have gone to the library a couple of times to read, but of course, I have to do this during library hours. Also, one time I just drove to an empty parking lot at night and just read in my car. It would be nice to predetermine a good spot, though.
I also havent got a predetermined spot. For a while I would go park in one of the parking lots on campus and read before my classes. It helped me to relax a great deal. So much that I fell asleep 2 times and was late to class
A park would be a nice place to go, I dont know what the weather is like in So Cal right now, but I would imagine it is warmer than it is here.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Hey jethro. Just checking up on how you're doing. Seems like not a lot of progress, but not a lot of regression either. Hang in there, I'm pulling for you both.
Jim
I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
ok that's my mood this moment I guess. just passin' through sayin' hi to you! think happy thoughts!! and when you can't, just close your eyes, click your heals together three times and say "there's no place like home"
Tough, as far as I'm concerned.