I so much appreciate the support, you guys. Thanks so much. LL and KAW, I value your opinions and am trying to approach my situation using your previous (and current) experiences. I find that it's extremely difficult since I've just found out a week ago today. Thanks also, Jim, RJJ, and Lisa for coming by. And Lisa, I feel like I'm having bad days every day.
Guys, today I really feel crummy. I woke up in the morning and was just thinking about how there are so many private and special things we share with our Ses, and my W pretty much threw that out the window. I showed her so much love over the last year, and what did she do? She completely trounced on it...threw it back in my face. I have to tell you that today it's all I can do not to really say anything. I've been in a funk...and quiet. My W knows I'm having difficulty, but she's not really saying anything, which is probably good.
I started thinking today that it would be easier for me just to get a D. I mean, the pain is unbearable. The malevolence with which she carried out this deed is unbearable. I almost feel like we will never have the same R again...or even as good as it was in the past. I'm quite negative about things and feel like I want a R with someone who can show me the same respect I showed my W through the years, even when she was acting like a total jerk.
I know these thoughts are not good. I know they won't get me closer to my goal, but I cannot help them right now. I feel like treating her very poorly. I feel like shouting vindictive things to her, making her feel even lower than she already does. How the HELL could she do this? So much disrespect...so much humiliation.
I am reminded of her misdeeds every time I see her. When she's unclothed I think about her betrayal and need to avert my gaze. Before, I loved looking at my beautiful W. Now it's just agonizing.
I can't explain why she did this. I have some assumptions. I don't know that she really could either. I know she feels "mortified with herself" (her words). I like to think there's some higher purpose, some lesson from God that I'm supposed to learn here. Forgiveness maybe? I don't know. But I'll tell you what, it's hard getting past the hurt and anger to concentrate on any higher good...
It's only when I look at my children that I find splitting up with her unbearable. If it wasn't for them, I think I would. How could I force my pain onto my children? They've seen enough inconsistencies over the last year.
Why do we do it guys? Why do we make such an effort when it's oftentimes met with disdain? What's the deal? Are they really worth it? Apparantly, we weren't worth a whole lot to them...
I'm sorry I'm on a tirade today, but trying to keep it to myself.
