Quote: Do you think you'd feel differently if you knew he had a PA? Hope I'm not putting salt on the wounds by asking, LL...
at this poin I just want the truth, would it hurt to hear? yes, would it be worse that what I already know? NO!! the ea for me is the worst part of it, he was giving to her the simple friendship that I so wanted, the companion ship, making her feel special by stopping by to see her...ok gotta stop cant go there...
Quote: If and when your H snaps out of his funk, do you think you will ask him to go to C? Maybe my question is premature because when that time comes it may not be necessary?
already asked several times and his response is that he is not ready. don't know when he will be but I'd assume that by the time he is ready, it wont be neccissary any more.
Quoting jethro: Do you not think it healthy to discuss things? Or are you simply telling me that if I'm going to be "angry," then I need to do it elsewhere?
This morning my W and I had a rather painful conversation. I simply told her that I wanted her to get tested for STDs. What an absolutely awful conversation to have... In any case, I got angry briefly, but diffused it fairly quickly. She was pretty calm, apologetic, and said she'd do so.
What I'm trying to say is to moderate the talks so you are not inundating her faster than she can process the pain that these talk no doubt stir up in her as well. (An simple case in point would be: such talks on a daily basis would not be a good thing.) Try to break them up by injecting some levity and playfulness.
Perhaps anger was not the best choice of word, but I do get a hint from your posts that you do still habor some unproccessed anger, but more accurately stated would be the feeling of anguish.
Keep your focus on trying to make today better than yesterday ...
Quote: What I'm trying to say is to moderate the talks so you are not inundating her faster than she can process the pain that these talk no doubt stir up in her as well. (An simple case in point would be: such talks on a daily basis would not be a good thing.)
I think this is the case. I'm afraid she's going to get overwhelmed by this, and retreat, knocking you guys back a few squares. I can't tell you not to have these feelings, but maybe you don't have to bury her right now. Just a suggestion, try limiting yourself to talking about every other day, or every third day. If you feel like wigging out, do it here. Then, if necessary, you can re-visit the things that were on your mind at the time, but hopefully in a more stable frame of mind.
I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
jethro, i have to say i think you are doing so well! really. i could not eat for a month or sleep. your w is trying and that should be of some comfort. one thing from my experience is that i asked a lot of questions and felt shitty about the answers. but i really had to know things, and sometimes the answers made me feel better. but only you know what you need as far as info. and asking too many questions can wear you both down. i made mistakes in asking big questions too soon. the answers have changed over time. and this causes confusion. and doubt. i wish i could have a do over as much as my h! i would be less reactive, ask less(for my own good, not his) and save the why's and how could you's. after so much time my h still doesn't have all these answers. it has been ten monthes we are working on things and i still have really bad days. give yourself lots of patience, please. you are doing so well. do not beat yourself up. keep coming here first. lisa
I so much appreciate the support, you guys. Thanks so much. LL and KAW, I value your opinions and am trying to approach my situation using your previous (and current) experiences. I find that it's extremely difficult since I've just found out a week ago today. Thanks also, Jim, RJJ, and Lisa for coming by. And Lisa, I feel like I'm having bad days every day.
Guys, today I really feel crummy. I woke up in the morning and was just thinking about how there are so many private and special things we share with our Ses, and my W pretty much threw that out the window. I showed her so much love over the last year, and what did she do? She completely trounced on it...threw it back in my face. I have to tell you that today it's all I can do not to really say anything. I've been in a funk...and quiet. My W knows I'm having difficulty, but she's not really saying anything, which is probably good.
I started thinking today that it would be easier for me just to get a D. I mean, the pain is unbearable. The malevolence with which she carried out this deed is unbearable. I almost feel like we will never have the same R again...or even as good as it was in the past. I'm quite negative about things and feel like I want a R with someone who can show me the same respect I showed my W through the years, even when she was acting like a total jerk.
I know these thoughts are not good. I know they won't get me closer to my goal, but I cannot help them right now. I feel like treating her very poorly. I feel like shouting vindictive things to her, making her feel even lower than she already does. How the HELL could she do this? So much disrespect...so much humiliation.
I am reminded of her misdeeds every time I see her. When she's unclothed I think about her betrayal and need to avert my gaze. Before, I loved looking at my beautiful W. Now it's just agonizing.
I can't explain why she did this. I have some assumptions. I don't know that she really could either. I know she feels "mortified with herself" (her words). I like to think there's some higher purpose, some lesson from God that I'm supposed to learn here. Forgiveness maybe? I don't know. But I'll tell you what, it's hard getting past the hurt and anger to concentrate on any higher good...
It's only when I look at my children that I find splitting up with her unbearable. If it wasn't for them, I think I would. How could I force my pain onto my children? They've seen enough inconsistencies over the last year.
Why do we do it guys? Why do we make such an effort when it's oftentimes met with disdain? What's the deal? Are they really worth it? Apparantly, we weren't worth a whole lot to them...
I'm sorry I'm on a tirade today, but trying to keep it to myself.
jethro, I understand your funk, believe me I do! my only hope is that it will fade with time, it has for me somewhat... Yes there are days that I am still hurting, like today with h having been gone so long with the storm and the questions it raises in my possibly due to my insecurities but then I wonder is it really just womens intuition and he is still seeing ow and so arrogant that he took her out plowing with him?? probably not. did he screw her? probably not but I do not know, he won't even admit to a kiss...
I will tell you this, things have gotten better thus far for me, it is a long road a very long and windy road but how will we know if the pain we endure while traveling this road is greater or less than the pain we would feel if we just gave up??
I don't have any answers to this question, honestly I do not! I have seen and experienced way too much in my short life!! but I still don't have the answers.
jethro it is so early in the story for you. in some ways i was lucky in that my h just left and then told me about affair. i didn't have to see him or talk to him. i could scream and cry and throw up and swear at him and he never knew. i loved him and hated him. there is a plan for you and your relationship, but it is so early, much too soon to see it. can you take a vacation alone? even a weekend away might be good. you need to create some emotional space for yourself where you feel safe, but not so distant that your w can't reach you. this will take time. every thing you feel is normal. be really gentle with yourself. lisa
Hi Jethro, You've done good coming here and writing all this down without saying anything to your wife today. Do it as often as you need to. What has happened ... happened. How you deal with it is YOUR issue, not hers.
This is not easy to get through, can never be ... and after only a week if you're not going through a world of hurt, then you just wouldn't be human. Your anger and your pain is blinding you to the love you have for your wife right now. Guy, you're surfing an emotional wave whether you want to or not. You have to ride it out, but it won't last. I guess you're gonna have to trust me on this one ...
Quote: I almost feel like we will never have the same R again...or even as good as it was in the past.
The way I figure it is the old R is dead and gone in the past ... along with it the A. Nothing you decide to do from this day forth will change what has happened in the past, so all you can do is bury it (metaphorically speaking of coarse!). I figure myself lucky to have a second chance at a reborn R with my wife, and with anything new, there is always the possiblity of it being better and in many ways it is. The A will always be there in the past and like anything that is dead and buried, there will always be times of rememberance, but when I compared that time to what I have now, those thoughts quickly get cast aside.
Jethro, I'm stating this because you are in the midst of a dark time where it may seem all is lost, but I want you to know as I'm speaking from personal experience, just give it time and ride it out and one day you can wake up and see things in a whole different light.
LL, Lisa, and KAW, thank you...thank you. Jeez, if it were not for you guys, I do know what...
Quoting LL:how will we know if the pain we endure while traveling this road is greater or less than the pain we would feel if we just gave up??
Yes, LL, this is so true. Not just the pain I'd feel, but that of my family.
Quoting Lisa:in some ways i was lucky in that my h just left and then told me about affair. i didn't have to see him or talk to him. i could scream and cry and throw up and swear at him and he never knew.
You know, Lisa, it's funny (not really), but I'd think your sitch would be worse than mine. At least my W simultaneously admitted it and wanted to work on our R.
Quoting Lisa:can you take a vacation alone? even a weekend away might be good. you need to create some emotional space for yourself where you feel safe, but not so distant that your w can't reach you. this will take time. every thing you feel is normal. be really gentle with yourself.
That would probably be a good idea. I'll give that some thought. You know, it would have to be somewhere where I can get an Internet connection...
Quoting KAW:Guy, you're surfing an emotional wave whether you want to or not. You have to ride it out, but it won't last. I guess you're gonna have to trust me on this one ...
At this point, KAW, I have little choice. But thanks for telling me anyway.
Quoting KAW:The way I figure it is the old R is dead and gone in the past ... along with it the A. Nothing you decide to do from this day forth will change what has happened in the past, so all you can do is bury it.
I like this slant. I guess I've been thinking we'd repair our current R, but I very much like the idea of throwing away the old and starting with the new. It's...fresh...
Well, KAW, you're going to be annoyed with me, but my W and I had to talk some tonight. She kept asking, so I gave in (I kept hiding in the bathroom so she wouldn't see the pain in my face). My hiding finally got to her. I will say I wasn't as vindictive as I sounded in my previous post. She cried a little and asked if I could ever forgive her. I said I didn't know. But as we talked a little more, I simply said that I have my good moments and my bad and that today I didn't feel positive, but at the very moment I felt better and thought in the long run we'd have a much stronger R. I also said, KAW, that we can't talk about this crap everyday. It's too much. I said that we need to spend lots of time together (as well as each having space), healing, comfort each other, and meeting each other's needs. She agreed. I felt better and I think she did too. There will be no discussions tomorrow. I'm making a promise to myself.
On a side note, she knows I talk (write) to a group of people in a simliar situation and she always asks, "what do your people say about this?" I thought you'd think that kind of funny...I do... I think she's curious as to whether you guys are telling me to tell her to go to he!!.
Thanks again you guys. You put a positive ending on a rather intense day...
