Hey B just checking in. One day at a time is good. Time your time in grieving but like LL said try not to say much more about this to her for now. Remember you are strong. Had a thought here, see what you think. When I was in delivery with bD, I had a mental picture of a huge red tulip field. Maybe when those bad pictures start in your head you can switch the picture to a tulip field. Whata ya think?!
Hi Belis, Looka like you found a good group here for advice and support. I thought I'd try moving to MLC this afternoon but I'm going to have to leave there. It is very depressing and they seem to have little hope. I don't think I would be happy or much help. Praying for you buddy. Back to the nubies.
Pull at the scabs, and the wounds will re-open
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, although I fully agree with KAW, I do think I need to have a well-deserved grieving period to experience all of my pain, frustration, and anger so it does not haunt me in the future. I can only heal this way. Once I get through this, I never want to go back to it (although a bit unrealistic), so I'm allowing the feelings come a little hard ... Well, I don't know that it's all that constructive. When I ask what my goal is, I know this delays it. But, I think, in the long run it will help ME. I am going to slow it down now, though. I've had enough for a while and want something a little light.
Keep in mind that you don't want to turn these talks into a pattern of what is to come as it will eventually be preceived as you won't be able to let it go and heal. If she starts to feel like you will keep re-opening the wounds (hers as well as yours) , then she will start to drift away again.
Quote: Keep in mind that you don't want to turn these talk into a pattern of what is to come as it will eventually be preceived as you won't be able to let it go and heal.
yup!! yup!! yup!! when h first came back, I let him be open about his fears and his pain and all that, then I let my feelings out, thing is they kept coming (well I had kept them from him in my db efforts so once that gate opened it was hard to close it) at first he was compasionate and understanding, I could let it out and he would offer comfort..but it seemed I had reached a point were it was no longer "accepted" as my venting my "pain" but my "beating him up" he even went so far as to say "you were doing better when I wasn't here". that obviously not true (but I did a good job of "acting as if" well ok sometimes it wasn't an act) it is hard but if we are to move on, we must accept that the pain is ours to deal with and recognize that they to are in pain. I don't think anyone that has had an affair can tell you they are proud of it or happy with themselves for having done so. So now that you have voiced your feelings about it, try to keep the venting about them here, that is not to say that you should keep all your hurt and anger in, but try to vent it all out here or somewhere else first and let w know in a loving way how you are feeling. and remember that it is not her job to make you feel better about it all, it is up to the two of you to make your m a place where this is all just a bad chapter of a good book!!
I'll respond to everyone's post in a minute. Just wanted to say that I had a name change to protect the innocent--me, that is... Don't want to be too obvious to prying eyes...
LL, Abby, J-Ro, and KAW thanks for the words of encouragement.
Quoting KAW:Keep in mind that you don't want to turn these talks into a pattern of what is to come as it will eventually be preceived as you won't be able to let it go and heal.
The quote of the day for me... Guys, I hear you...I really do. But, you know what it's like. It is so incredibly difficult. Actually, yesterday was pretty good for me. Most of the day I felt great...with the exception of a few hours in the evening. I find the nights are the worst. But, I refrained from saying anything to her about it. Of course, this morning it hit me again like a ton of bricks and I simply told her I was upset without getting into it. My point? I'm doing my best to temper what I say.
I do have a question. How long did it take you guys to kind of get over the initial grieving process where you stopped haranging your S? I know my W feels awful about it, but it was so incredibly reckless--hurting all those that love her most--it's despicable. Also, what are your thoughts on C? Do you think it's necessary to do this, or what? Because, to be frank, I'm not entirely sure it's necessary...not that I'm thinking straight.
for me it has been a year since I found out about ea, h left three months later because I couldn't stop the barage and therefore he couldn't stop the ea (ok I'll take the blame for pushing him back there now that I've read dr) while he was gone I focussed little on ow when it came to talking to him (kept that for when I'd call her) when he came back I learned a bit more about the r, blew my top a few times, then a few more. h has been working his way back now for about 2 months and I don't blow up about ow anymore, still get upset or rather feel insecure about it but it is fading and it's only been 2 months.
I go myself to a c (h is not yet ready to go with me) it helps sometimes but honestly I am finding this board and dr to be more helpful than the c at this point.
do I think that joint councelling is a must in repairing the m?? well so far h and I have made major progress without one.
Did I miss something? When did you change your name?
I think LL is right. You need to do what is right for you and your stitch. I know many people who didnt go to C and were able to work things out. I think this board is a form of C, except you dont have to pay.
Well, my sitch was a bit different here, because nearly in the same breath that she told me she wanted a divorce was that she had slept with OM. So I knew about it while it was ongoing and realized I had to wait it out in order for there to be a chance in saving the marriage. In order for me to maintain a PMA, and because I didn't feel I would be strong enough to deal with the images in my head, I decided I don't want to know the particulars. So whenever, those thoughts crossed my mind, I forcibly told myself to cease the thoughts because I simply did not want to go there. Maybe its my nature, but I know that I could forgive without needing to know anything about the A. Except for once and that just ended up fortifying my belief. One belief I did try to hold onto during this time was that it was more of a one night stand with an ongoing EA on her behalf. In the end, when she told me it was over with OM and realized she wanted to be with me, I did ask if she had been with him more than once. She simple replied "yes". With the way that word made me feel, I knew in order for this marriage to work, I had to remain in the dark about the rest. What keeps me believing I won't have to worry about reliving any of this again, is that as long as I continue to DB for myself in making sure I keep myself happy for myself and to continue to work on doing what draws us together, then I don't have the fear she will have the feeling to stray again.
Quoting jethro: I find the nights are the worst. But, I refrained from saying anything to her about it. Of course, this morning it hit me again like a ton of bricks and I simply told her I was upset without getting into it. My point? I'm doing my best to temper what I say.
Time to look for some 180's here that will change this. It seems you need some sort of activity at night to keep your mind from wondering. What would you rather be doing during this timeslot? (Lets keep it PG-rated for the most part.) As LL stated, when you feel the urge to vent, walk away, go outside and run/walk/scream & yell, go to the gym and punch a bag, come here and stamp on the keyboard!! ... find something that works so you no longer direct your anger at her in person.
Quoting jethro: Also, what are your thoughts on C? Do you think it's necessary to do this, or what? Because, to be frank, I'm not entirely sure it's necessary...not that I'm thinking straight.
Well, my experience with C has not been a good one as you may have read on my thread. However, I can see having a solution-oriented therapist (so long as you can find one) being a very helpful resource in perhaps making the reconciling as peaceful as possible for the both of you.
Quoting LL:h has been working his way back now for about 2 months and I don't blow up about ow anymore, still get upset or rather feel insecure about it but it is fading and it's only been 2 months.
Do you think you'd feel differently if you knew he had a PA? Hope I'm not putting salt on the wounds by asking, LL...
Quote: do I think that joint councelling is a must in repairing the m?? well so far h and I have made major progress without one.
If and when your H snaps out of his funk, do you think you will ask him to go to C? Maybe my question is premature because when that time comes it may not be necessary?
Quoting KAW:What keeps me believing I won't have to worry about reliving any of this again, is that as long as I continue to DB for myself in making sure I keep myself happy for myself and to continue to work on doing what draws us together, then I don't have the fear she will have the feeling to stray again.
KAW, when I said reliving, I meant reliving the pain of her A, not reliving another A. She has almost convinced me that it won't happen again...of course, I believe this more stongly sometimes than at other times. Your answer might be the same. I just wanted to clear that up.
Quoting KAW:Time to look for some 180's here that will change this. It seems you need some sort of activity at night to keep your mind from wondering. What would you rather be doing during this timeslot? (Lets keep it PG-rated for the most part.) As LL stated, when you feel the urge to vent, walk away, go outside and run/walk/scream & yell, go to the gym and punch a bag, come here and stamp on the keyboard!! ... find something that works so you no longer direct your anger at her in person.
Good idea. I guess I do need to find something. But, typically I don't approach our conversations with anger. I mean, I have a couple of times, but usually not. Do you not think it healthy to discuss things? Or are you simply telling me that if I'm going to be "angry," then I need to do it elsewhere?
This morning my W and I had a rather painful conversation. I simply told her that I wanted her to get tested for STDs. What an absolutely awful conversation to have... In any case, I got angry briefly, but diffused it fairly quickly. She was pretty calm, apologetic, and said she'd do so.
We talked a little more and I told her that I was pretty good yesterday, except for a few hours in the evening, but right before I feel asleep, I felt quite peaceful (and I did, thank goodness). She said she was glad to hear about feeling that way last night, and that I should focus on it. She said she's not sure what to do right now because sometimes I seem great and othertimes I don't, and that she's concentrating most of her focus on trying to help me even though she feels like she needs to heal too. She also said that she feels like she's walking in eggshells because of my mood swings. Well, duh! Finally, she just said that for now it's going to be rocky. I'm tryin' guys...
She also went on to say that it said in DR (huh? ) that when infidelity happens, it's important that the couple spends some close time together. So she encouraged me to leave work early and asked if I wanted to do something tonight. I agreed and she arranged babysitting and everything.
Guys, I know she's really trying, and I'm doing my best to show the efforts of my W in these posts because if I need a kick in the head, I want it from you guys. I did acknowledge all of the things I noticed her doing. Funny, when I acknowledged it, she said, "It seems you are hesitating on telling me this." My response was that it was difficult to say something nice to her because I was mad, but I thought her efforts were very nice nonetheless...
Don't want to be too obvious to prying eyes...
Also, what are your thoughts on C? Do you think it's necessary to do this, or what? Because, to be frank, I'm not entirely sure it's necessary...not that I'm thinking straight. 
As LL stated, when you feel the urge to vent, walk away, go outside and run/walk/scream & yell, go to the gym and punch a bag, come here and stamp on the keyboard!! ... find something that works so you no longer direct your anger at her in person.
) that when infidelity happens, it's important that the couple spends some close time together. So she encouraged me to leave work early and asked if I wanted to do something tonight. I agreed and she arranged babysitting and everything.