You are at the right spot. I'm sorry no one caught your thread before. There are so many threads, it is easy to look at threads that have activity in the last 24 hours. There are so many, and, you'll see, many have similarities. My advice about the PI, is don't bother with the PI. If you feel it so intuitively, it's probably so. Save your money. And take some time to get used to the idea. If you think your H sounds like he is in a crisis of some sort, and this is a 180 for him, it is totally likely. I hate to say that, but, it's so true. I think there are more posters here with other person involved.
Like you, my H started being more distant. He denied an affair, for many months, but, I found proof. Once confronted, he had to acknowledge it. It drove me crazy, I drove all over looking for them, I was going crazy. Once I knew, OW H kept calling me to check on where my H had been... which occurred frequently, making it difficult for me to drop it, as hard as I tried.
H sort of stopped contact with OW for many months, (I think.. supposedly each working on their M), till I believe OW called and told him she had filed. At that point, he moved to our guest bedroom. He just came in late to sleep and left early, during the week. He wouldn't tell me if he'd be home or not. Like between Christmas and New Years, he just wouldn't come ome. After about 10 mo I tried asking him to go to dinner. He said no. So I asked the next night, and he said no, but he'd come home that evening early. I asked where this was headed, he thought about it overnight, and decided it was out of my life, and into OW house. That was Aug 04. This summer will be our 20th Anniversary. (It started at 15 years... like you). I believe the EA had begun before 1/2003, and PA shortly after. OW bought a brand new condo... they live in it. I don't know what kind of monitary arrangements they have. Hopefully he wasn't stupid enough to co-sign anything. But, I don't know if he has or not. And, I hate to waste my hard earned money paying a PI or lawyer to find out. That is one of those things that I'm not ready to face, even if he did cosign.
He rarely talks to me (phone or in person) other than if he really needs something (like signature on the tax forms). I see him about 2x a year. He does infrequently IM. He didn't take much with him, but did come back a couple times, and fill his truck up with clothes, sports equipment, some tools, who knows what else.
H still pays the same portion of the bills for our mortage home bills. I don't know if that is because he sees our house as his retirement investment, or if he cares that I'm ok. When I have problems, he won't help, other than he paid an home insurance bill, and did pay for lawn mowing for half the year last year. I'd mowed it the first half. I also found a very cheap guy to mow it. In fact, sometimes He won't even tell me who to call (like the chimney sweep). So, that kind of makes me think it's the investment that he cares about.
I can only share my experience. I don't really have much advice, because I'm still here. Other than the fact that you're younger (me 50 H slightly younger) your situation sounds similar. Holidays are the loneliest. I couldn't stand to be at home the first 2 years. I spent a lot of money on doing things to keep me out of the house. I'm getting very tired of having to deal with all that goes with homeownership by myself. As much as I love our house, I love it because it was something we did. If we are not going to be together, I would like to sell it, so I didn't have to live with the memories. And, I would hate to think of OW moving in with him here.
So, what I do, is hope, and read others experiences, looking for glimpses of hope. Try to check out Yellowrose. Her situation has turned around. I think another is something like Frizzle or Frazzle.
I have no idea what H is thinking. Certainly, his leaving and especially going to this OW, is not at all like him. (just like so many here say... they do a total 180 of their morals, likes/dislikes, dreams, ethics, etc. They are not the person we knew, at all. So, we can't figure out what is going on in their heads or hearts). I've seen enough posts that WAH have been much more 'undecided' than we see and feel. And that when it looks the worst for us, and we start giving up, they may actually be thinking about us, and trying to figure out if and how they can come back to LBS. Others also indicate that WAH go into serious withdrawal before the come back. So, I try to tell myself that this could be what's happening.
I'm not sure I can give advice, and I hope others stop by to give better advice. It seems that my H likes the path of least resistance. It seems easier for him to stay away, and do nothing remotely personal. Although, just when I feel like I've totally lost him, he'll do something. It might be like my last anniversary, he sent a txt on my phone, saying 'I'm sad tonight to, sorry'. Sometimes I get a Merry Christmas. I got flowers on my 50th bday last year. No name on the card. He has never admitted it was him. But, that's about it for the good stuff. Most other stuff is not promising. But, he hasn't filed for D. He doesn't seem to be angry with me any more. I have not bothered him, don't drive by his house, don't call his #, don't call OW. Pretty much just leave them alone, and hope I don't run into them together, or her. I'd love to run into H, so of course that doesn't happen. :-)
I hope you can at least feel that you're not alone. Many others are in the same or very similar situation. There are very few post where at least one piece of what someone is going through,isn't similar to mine. It seems that most here have kids. (I cannot imagine men/women walking out on them). But, they also have a reason for contact. I noticed you don't have kids. I don't either. Karen58 doesn't either. She is like me, in a holding pattern, and has been for some time.
Sorry for the rambling. I didn't want you to feel alone again and give up. Sometimes it gets depressing here, but, every so often, there is good news too. And we need that! It keeps me going. I'm getting so that I come here less. I need a brake sometimes, which I think is good, because sometimes I need to stop focusing on H. He's always in my head anyway, even without being here. I'm sure your's is too!
