Well, I had a very bad day yesterday, guys. I came by the board and posted here and there, but couldn't read up on many sitches, as I was so focused on my own (found out there's was a little more EA than I originally thought). We had two big conversations with lots of interesting points that I will try and touch on with this post...it's good for my journaling.

Yesterday we went to ILs for dinner. They know my W and I are having M issues, but do not know about the A. My W has asked if I want her to tell them, as they've always been very supportive of my perspective. I told her that it was up to her and I wouldn't push it. I guess just being over there made me sad. It's that big white elephant in the room, standing on your head, that nobody is addressing. At least, that's how it feels.

So, my W tried to make me feel better to no avail. I was really in the dumps. We couldn't really talk about anything because we were at my ILs, but when we got home we ended up having it out a bit.

I started off by telling her that I want to vent, but wasn't sure whether I should say anything. She told me to go ahead. So, basically, I ended up telling her most of what I wrote in that letter...about her selfishness over the last year while I was trying to keep things together. And just how she couldn't understand how totally awful I feel (at least from my perspective). I also said that I felt like ripping the OM's head off and that he was scum for having an A with a M woman. Probably not a good thing to say, but it felt rather good. Thank God she didn't defend him. I probably would have gone ballistic because I really hadn't raised my voice or anything during our discussion.

I said that we made a promise when we got M to work through the bad times. Her response was that we've pretty much been together since we were 15, and that she couldn't fathom anyone having a R for that long without something significant happening. She said that she knew it wasn't right, but it happened anyway. I went back to our promises, and she said it's impossible to make someone a promise for that long...that things change that nobody can anticipate. This bugged, but she was speaking her peace. Finally, she said that if I chose to split with her and have an R with someone else, then who was to say that something like that wouldn't also happen with them. No guarantees...it's just one day at a time, she said.

Did I like this response? No way. Do I feel the same way? No. Can I change how she feels? No. So, I simply told her I disagreed and she said that we would have to agree to disagree.

Our conversation kind of got to a point of her asking what I wanted her to do, and what would make me feel better. She asked if I wanted to split, if I needed some space for a while, or did I want to try and work on things now. She seemed to ask this with an open heart, I have to say. My response was that I would end up being the selfish one like she had been over the last year if I chose to split our family up, and that two wrongs don't make a right. Her interpretation? "So, you're doing it for the kids." I was quiet trying to think of how to answer this because in a way it's true, as I'm not sure I would have stayed with her if it was just the two of us. I went out on a limb (because I wanted to understand her resolve) and asked if this would change her decision if I was only doing it for the kids. She said, no. Whew! In a roundabout way, I kind of indicated that I wasn't just doing it for the kids.

I asked her what she was feeling about all of this...about herself. She said she was "mortified" with herself and is anxious all of the time. I guess this says something about her character...I just wish she had thought about these things sooner.

I guess what really frustrates me is that (and I told her this) everything she is telling me that justifies us working on our M is what I told her after the first bomb. Dammit, I wish I had found DR sooner because I probably could have avoided the A. I guess that's a cheeseless tunnel.

So, today, she's in a bad funk. I know it's because of our R talk. But you know what, what can I do? I deserve a little venting, don't I? Of course, my paranoia seeps in and I'm wondering if she's second-guessing her decision. I suppose another cheeseless tunnel. I'm feeling better about things after last night, told her so, and am trying to regain my smashed PMA. I believe I'm having progress...

Thanks for letting me vent.

bellis