Sorry I haven't been by in a couple of days. To help w/my detaching from H, I decided to pull away from the bb for awhile. I still think about everyone b/c I wonder what's going on. But I hate to read about the pain that different ones are going through b/c it seems to bring mine right back up to the surface. I hope that is not selfish b/c I don't mean for it to be.
I see the pain for both you and your W. But I also see what hope and giving it time will bring. Not that I'm happy you are here under these circumstance, but I am happy that you are willing to share your sitch w/us.
Thanks so much for everyone's support. I REALLY needed it yesterday. Oh boy...oh boy did I...
Quoting LL:that is a heavy letter, thought for a min I was reading my own words. yup, I said almost the same things to my h, that was a year ago when I found out about ow (ya they were just friends (screaming of ea) ) so I said all those things and apparently h wasn't ready to hear them, or maybe I said them with that angry venting tone. was I right to feel that way? yup! was I right to tear into him like that?? don't know but it apparently didn't work cause three months later he left!!!
Well, last night I pretty much said most of the stuff in my letter because I had to vent and she asked to hear it. I let'er rip...and she took it pretty well. In any case, I was curious as to whether you continued to harbor resentment after you told him these things, and that possibly, this was the reason he left again?
Quoting LL:try to imagine how horrible you would feel if you were in w's shoes.
I had to ask her how she really felt last night. She told me she felt anxious all of the time and that she was mortified with herself. I pretty much think that says it all...
Quoting Abby:Did it help to write the letter even though you didnt give it to her. Something that helped me get past the PA was asking for God's help in forgiving H. I know you get tired of being told that it will be ok someday - but know that it will and hang onto that thought. Take care of yourself and know that I will pray for you.
Well, in terms of the letter, like I said to LL, I kind of let her have it verbally anyway. Oops...she asked... With praying, I don't really do it often. I focus inwardly and analyze the situation to try and determine the best solution. Sometimes my emotions get in way...go figure. However, prayer is something I'm trying to do more of...and thank you for having me in yours.
Quoting Kevin:Love is not a feeling, but a choice and if your W is choosing to tell her that she loves you...that's very good...By serving her and your family that will envigorate the "feeling" of love...remember...true love is unconditional....there are no expectations....
Thanks for stopping in, Kevin. I agree with you wholeheartedly. I just have to keep reminding myself.
Quoting KAW:The present is she has change her direction and still in the future is to be drawn in closer. Continue to patiently follow your new ways and by this time next year if you were to ask her again (not that by that time you will need to ask, but for arguements' stake), you will get a totally different response, because through out 2003 you will have worked on coming closer together. Its not that she has resigned to settling for less, but that she knows it will take time to get where you both want to be and that is what she is now banking the future on...
Well put, KAW. I have to concentrate my efforts on recognizing her efforts to help our R. She really is trying. So many little gestures this last week. I, like LL, am kind of waiting for that grand gesture that shows things are really there for her. I need to maintain my patience and take stock of all of the little things she is trying to do. In terms of figuring out why she committed this act, I just know that, like everyone, it came from a place of pain. She was unhappy with herself, and thus, most everything in her life, and had to do something to shake it up a bit. Once she realized her answers were not there either, the reality dose hit like a bad PCP trip.
Quote: To help w/my detaching from H, I decided to pull away from the bb for awhile. I still think about everyone b/c I wonder what's going on. But I hate to read about the pain that different ones are going through b/c it seems to bring mine right back up to the surface.
I totally understand. No worries. I, myself, have felt this way sometimes. However, right now, I really need the insights of the more experienced DBers...at least just to get my head straight!
I too was never much into prayer. From my own recent experience, I will tell you it has giving me some peace. I know that he will support me and that he has a plan.
Quote: I was curious as to whether you continued to harbor resentment after you told him these things, and that possibly, this was the reason he left again?
yes I continued to harbor resentment and was fully aware of it and admitted it, when I called a c for us to go to together what I said is this and that happend, things are getting better but I am resenting the fact that it took all this to happen for h to start participating in our r.
why did h leave??? his words.. he just didn't want to be here anymore, apparently couldn't stay away from ow. (maybe if I didn't let my resentment be known)
it's more of a why and how and h isn't fully there yet (still not ready to go to c together) they are his issues not mine, I can't waist energy trying to figure out why he left or did what he did, all I can do now is work on me, keep a positive attitude and hope for the best.
Quote: it's more of a why and how and h isn't fully there yet (still not ready to go to c together) they are his issues not mine, I can't waist energy trying to figure out why he left or did what he did, all I can do now is work on me, keep a positive attitude and hope for the best.
I think, and I emphasize the word think, that my W is there. She says she is, but her mood today is very somber...depressed. Of course, I'm paranoid because I kind of let her have it last night (I'll post about that next), and now I'm wondering if she's thinking about seeing the OM, or if she's thinking about how awful she is. I guess I have to do what JJ suggests, and not get in her moods. Easy to say...harder to do...
Quote: Pull at the scabs, and the wounds will re-open
This metaphore really hit home with me - I will think about this if I ever feel like picking at the scabs. Thanks KAW.
Bellis, you've really been through the mill since I last posted.
Personally, I think it helps to write our feelings down, as it does give us a vent. When you spoke to W, it sounds like you are doing it in a constructive way, as the outcome shows. Sounds like you are going to slow down a bit now, which will be healthy.
Well, I had a very bad day yesterday, guys. I came by the board and posted here and there, but couldn't read up on many sitches, as I was so focused on my own (found out there's was a little more EA than I originally thought). We had two big conversations with lots of interesting points that I will try and touch on with this post...it's good for my journaling.
Yesterday we went to ILs for dinner. They know my W and I are having M issues, but do not know about the A. My W has asked if I want her to tell them, as they've always been very supportive of my perspective. I told her that it was up to her and I wouldn't push it. I guess just being over there made me sad. It's that big white elephant in the room, standing on your head, that nobody is addressing. At least, that's how it feels.
So, my W tried to make me feel better to no avail. I was really in the dumps. We couldn't really talk about anything because we were at my ILs, but when we got home we ended up having it out a bit.
I started off by telling her that I want to vent, but wasn't sure whether I should say anything. She told me to go ahead. So, basically, I ended up telling her most of what I wrote in that letter...about her selfishness over the last year while I was trying to keep things together. And just how she couldn't understand how totally awful I feel (at least from my perspective). I also said that I felt like ripping the OM's head off and that he was scum for having an A with a M woman. Probably not a good thing to say, but it felt rather good. Thank God she didn't defend him. I probably would have gone ballistic because I really hadn't raised my voice or anything during our discussion.
I said that we made a promise when we got M to work through the bad times. Her response was that we've pretty much been together since we were 15, and that she couldn't fathom anyone having a R for that long without something significant happening. She said that she knew it wasn't right, but it happened anyway. I went back to our promises, and she said it's impossible to make someone a promise for that long...that things change that nobody can anticipate. This bugged, but she was speaking her peace. Finally, she said that if I chose to split with her and have an R with someone else, then who was to say that something like that wouldn't also happen with them. No guarantees...it's just one day at a time, she said.
Did I like this response? No way. Do I feel the same way? No. Can I change how she feels? No. So, I simply told her I disagreed and she said that we would have to agree to disagree.
Our conversation kind of got to a point of her asking what I wanted her to do, and what would make me feel better. She asked if I wanted to split, if I needed some space for a while, or did I want to try and work on things now. She seemed to ask this with an open heart, I have to say. My response was that I would end up being the selfish one like she had been over the last year if I chose to split our family up, and that two wrongs don't make a right. Her interpretation? "So, you're doing it for the kids." I was quiet trying to think of how to answer this because in a way it's true, as I'm not sure I would have stayed with her if it was just the two of us. I went out on a limb (because I wanted to understand her resolve) and asked if this would change her decision if I was only doing it for the kids. She said, no. Whew! In a roundabout way, I kind of indicated that I wasn't just doing it for the kids.
I asked her what she was feeling about all of this...about herself. She said she was "mortified" with herself and is anxious all of the time. I guess this says something about her character...I just wish she had thought about these things sooner.
I guess what really frustrates me is that (and I told her this) everything she is telling me that justifies us working on our M is what I told her after the first bomb. Dammit, I wish I had found DR sooner because I probably could have avoided the A. I guess that's a cheeseless tunnel.
So, today, she's in a bad funk. I know it's because of our R talk. But you know what, what can I do? I deserve a little venting, don't I? Of course, my paranoia seeps in and I'm wondering if she's second-guessing her decision. I suppose another cheeseless tunnel. I'm feeling better about things after last night, told her so, and am trying to regain my smashed PMA. I believe I'm having progress...
Pull at the scabs, and the wounds will re-open --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This metaphore really hit home with me - I will think about this if I ever feel like picking at the scabs.
Well, although I fully agree with KAW, I do think I need to have a well-deserved grieving period to experience all of my pain, frustration, and anger so it does not haunt me in the future. I can only heal this way. Once I get through this, I never want to go back to it (although a bit unrealistic), so I'm allowing the feelings come a little hard.
Quote: it sounds like you are doing it in a constructive way, as the outcome shows. Sounds like you are going to slow down a bit now, which will be healthy.
Well, I don't know that it's all that constructive. When I ask what my goal is, I know this delays it. But, I think, in the long run it will help ME. I am going to slow it down now, though. I've had enough for a while and want something a little light.
all in all bellis it sounds like you did a good job, you got your feelings out there, now the thing is to keep a bit of a lid on them. I can understand your not liking your w's reactions or responses. my h too is taking the one day at a time stance. actually the more I think about it, that really is the only way. do have more to say but the kids are running amuck!!
Dammit, I wish I had found DR sooner because I probably could have avoided the A. I guess that's a cheeseless tunnel.