Very sorry to hear about your job. Just what you needed right now, huh? Of course, you never know when you're going to die and you never know when you're going to lose your job.
I'm hanging in there. I realized today that my last day was Friday the 13th. I got a small chuckle out of that (best I could muster under the circumstances). It's not much, but right now I'll take any humor I can get.
Preparing myself for the job search, unemployment, head-hunters, etc. that I'll be dealing with Monday.
Talked with my WAW for the first time about having to unload some investments. For those familiar with DBing, please note that the following exchange is not necessarily recommended if you are DBing nor does it follow DB guidelines. However, I am departing from DBing and beginning to transition to a new life.
I gave my WAW one month for each year we were married and I am now approaching that mark. I have done what I set out to do and sleep well knowing I have reached my goals. I have told her that I am fast approching the place where I will no longer be willing to entertain a friendship, marriage, or anything else with her, that I can appreciate that we may not be suitable for each other, and that if she feels certain that this is case, then I wish to conclude the D as quickly as possible.
I have also said that if she is not certain, I am willing to engage in a few very frank discussions as to her desires and expectations in order to determine our compatibility as a basis for determining whether to proceed with the D or not. I also pointed out that a failure to choose on her part will result in the choice being made by me, my job situation, and/or the fates.
I do not expect a favorable response and I am no longer certain that I care (in fact, on the contrary, I very much doubt that I do). However, I want her to bury this herself so that she cannot come back (as is so often the case for the MLCer) and say that our breakup was my fault. I want it to be her decision.
Even a few minutes on the phone makes it so painfully clear that she remains nearly as self-absorbed, narcissistic, and selfish as ever and that precious little progress has been made in the last several months. This glacial pace of development suggests that I would be a fool to believe any useful progress could be achieved in any kind of timeframe that would be of any value to me/us.
She did, for the first time I believe, say "You didn't deserve what I did to you" (re: the PA). This is a good development, but not much to show for over three months of counseling. It is so sad, but there is nothing I can do and I have grown convinced that nothing will help her other than time...more time than I am willing to give.
I can certainly understand that. If you go dark for that long and such a small amount of progress is made it seems hopeless. I'm approaching that point myself. I've been measuring this by the amount of time my wife and I have been separated. But, when I really think about it, it's been almost a four year process. When I start measuring everything with that timespan I ask myself why I am still holding on.
I gave my WAW one month for each year we were married and I am now approaching that mark. I have done what I set out to do and sleep well knowing I have reached my goals. I have told her that I am fast approching the place where I will no longer be willing to entertain a friendship, marriage, or anything else with her, that I can appreciate that we may not be suitable for each other, and that if she feels certain that this is case, then I wish to conclude the D as quickly as possible.
She did, for the first time I believe, say "You didn't deserve what I did to you" (re: the PA). This is a good development, but not much to show for over three months of counseling. It is so sad, but there is nothing I can do and I have grown convinced that nothing will help her other than time...more time than I am willing to give.
OF, I relate to your pain & desire for reconciliation "now" so I hope you don't mind listening to this as I'm also not sure of your "faith" but I know this has been highly encouraging for me
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people saying they are in a terrible battle of oppression, depression and hopelessness due to their many marriage problems. This assault on you is great. We understand. We want you to know that we are praying, and your Lord God will give you victory if you call on His mighty Name, "Jesus."
We believe this is a spiritual attack on our standers as many have been and still are fasting for a spiritual breakthrough and the Enemy is getting mad. When Satan gets mad, he will attack your mind, your emotions and feelings.
"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." I Peter 5:8-9
We are hearing from standers who say they do not know why they are standing any longer as their marriage is hopeless! You are in a spiritual battle! The enemy is attacking the stander's mind so that they will not stand on the God's Holy Word or His promises. Never forget God's truths that adultery is sin. God hates divorce. You are standing for your spouse to come to their senses as the Prodigal Son did in Luke 15, and escape from the trap of the enemy. Your spouse is a prisoner of war.
What should you do? Put on praise music. Sing out loud, praising your Lord. Put on the Armor of God, pray a hedge of Protection, a wall of fire around you and the Blood of Jesus over and around you and your family, health, finances and your employment. Speak scriptures out loud and say, "Satan, you are defeated by the Blood of the Lamb, our Lord Jesus Christ, you must leave me and my family alone. We are children of the great "I AM."
OF - You have been encouraging and have helped me focus in these few months of my journey. I feel your pain. I know your doubt. But stop it. Stop trying to control this.
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Even a few minutes on the phone makes it so painfully clear that she remains nearly as self-absorbed, narcissistic, and selfish as ever and that precious little progress has been made in the last several months.
Too bad I don't have some extra time, or I'd go through all of your 447 posts as see how many times you have told others "you don't know what she is thinking". Come to think of it, I don't really have to, do I? You know it's more than just once or twice. Please, listen to your own words. You don't know what she's thinking.
Yes, keep moving forward in your life. Do what you need to do to get through this turbulence in your professional life. Do what you need to do to maintain the relationships and establish new ones. But there's no reason to just write the M off because W and God can't meet your time schedule. Why are you connecting "moving on" with what you have to do for your survival to having to give up on M? They are not connected - unless you somehow think that you can not move forward without searching for a new companion. You will be too busy in the next few weeks/months for that. So is it really necessary to take such a stand on giving up?
Let it be, OF. Do nothing as it pertains to your W & M. Don't force the D forward. You don't need to. Don't try to control it. Let it "whither on the vine" or let W take the action.
PS: You need a new thread, soon. You may want to add that to the list of things to do so as to avoid too much action on your part in pushing forward the D. LOL.
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
The pastor said today that Satan doesn't have to bother with the rest of the world only the ones who are trying to carry out God's word. He know he has the rest of them.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
MyWifeHasGoneCrazy: Thanks for the kind words. I hear you. I realized today that the last three years have been nearly a complete loss and that during that time both of us (me and my WAW) could have been healing, moving on, and perhaps even enjoying life with some other special person at this point had we not wasted so much time. It reminds me that while trying to save your marriage is a worthy goal, it is only insofar as there is an opportunity to do so. However, at some point it stops being a goal and starts being a delusion.
Originally Posted By: Confident_Me
I relate to your pain & desire for reconciliation "now"...
I can't find where I said this so perhaps you are confusing me with someone else. I am neither in pain over the WAW/M nor do I desire "reconciliation 'now'". On the contrary, I'm not convinced reconciliation is even possible and the longer things go, the less I'm inclined to believe that it is. My only interest right now is to determine if she can make even the smallest step forward.
She stopped pursuing the D some time back (which is a fine thing in and of itself), but that is simply stopping the downward spiral. While that has its place, we are now two months later and there has not been any movement at all so far as I can tell. There needs to be the tiniest upward movement at some point. Even Michele states that if what you are doing is not producing results, change tactics. What I have been doing has given me a life and has got her to this point...and that's good. However, it is clear that it is not moving us forward.
Oh, and by the way, I am not offended. Nice thoughts.
Originally Posted By: I_Wanna_Make_It_Work
Stop trying to control this.
I am not trying to control her or the situation. I have had so little control of my life over the last seven months that I barely know what it is anymore. However, there is a clock ticking somewhere that, when the alarm rings, will mean that it's over (for me). What triggers that alarm is unknown and when it will go off is also unknown. As such, I consider it fair and reasonable to point out to her that it is ticking.
I have not asked her to reconcile. I have not begged her to come back or even invited her back. I have not asked nor have I expected her to move back in. I am telling her (and this is a truthful statement) that she has an opportunity to take a step back from the brink, and that, while she is under no obligation to do so, if she chooses not to, one day we will find ourselves in a situation where the option is no longer available. I believe that to be a fair and accurate statement and one that is neither unreasonable nor irresponsible.
If you want to start quoting my posts, please be sure to include those where I state that while I think it is important for one to fight the good fight (as it were) as long as they can, once a reasonable amount of time has passed and no further progress can be seen, it is acceptable to let it go.
Originally Posted By: I_Wanna_Make_It_Work
Please, listen to your own words. You don't know what she's thinking.
You are quite right, I do not know what she is thinking. However, I didn't claim to. I am speaking of her actions...not her feelings. The Good Book says that by their fruits ye shall know them. You will not see me make statements such as "She never wants to come back", "She hates me", "She thinks it's over", or anything of the like. I don't know what she's thinking. But I do know what she is doing and how I feel.
Originally Posted By: I_Wanna_Make_It_Work
But there's no reason to just write the M off because W and God can't meet your time schedule.
Well, I don't believe I am, but it poses an interesting question. How long is long enough? It is a question many here have asked and my answer has always been "as long as you can stand it". Perhaps you have a better answer. If so, I hope you share it. If not, how do you know I have not reached that point?
If that answer is insufficient, then when? - After one year (or two, or three, or four?) - Once the D is final - A year after the D is final - When the WAS remarries - Never
Originally Posted By: I_Wanna_Make_It_Work
...unless you somehow think that you can not move forward without searching for a new companion.
Not at all. I have moved forward (and in many respects moved on). I am not searching for new companion nor do I have any immediate plans to do so.
Originally Posted By: I_Wanna_Make_It_Work
Don't force the D forward. You don't need to. Don't try to control it. Let it "whither on the vine" or let W take the action.
Well, that's not entirely true. As has been pointed out in the MLC section of this community, the MLCer (which I think my WAW at least partially falls into) often blames the LBS for the D. In my case, my WAW filed. However, should it "wither on the vine" as you put it and she fumbles around trying to get her life straight for the next four years, I'm in the position of either having to wait around until she decides to re-file or I'll have to file myself. I can't say as I care much for either alternative.
I can fully relate to the following things you said.
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I realized today that the last three years have been nearly a complete loss and that during that time both of us (me and my WAW) could have been healing, moving on, and perhaps even enjoying life with some other special person at this point had we not wasted so much time. It reminds me that while trying to save your marriage is a worthy goal, it is only insofar as there is an opportunity to do so. However, at some point it stops being a goal and starts being a delusion.
I have had so little control of my life over the last seven months that I barely know what it is anymore. However, there is a clock ticking somewhere that, when the alarm rings, will mean that it's over (for me).
please be sure to include those where I state that while I think it is important for one to fight the good fight (as it were) as long as they can, once a reasonable amount of time has passed and no further progress can be seen, it is acceptable to let it go.
I do not know what she is thinking. However, I didn't claim to. I am speaking of her actions...not her feelings.
How long is long enough? It is a question many here have asked and my answer has always been "as long as you can stand it". Perhaps you have a better answer. If so, I hope you share it.
How long is long enough? My answer is when you detach enough to objectively assess the situation. If your assessment is that the M is over BASED ON HER ACTIONS then it is our duty to move on. At that point we either move on for our own self respect or we don’t – choosing to believing something is different b/c we want it to be so.
I have decided to move on. My year separation anniversary is next month. Like you there has been no change in her heart and I must accept that. Any ‘baby steps’ turned out to be wishful thinking on my part, or worse. She continues to hurt me and I am through apologizing for her behavior.
It is time to take care of me and my life. That is not an easy decision to make. I don’t want to offend but I really object that some *standers* here imply we are quitting when we decide to give our spouses what they want. On the contrary, standing in their way is holding someone we love against their will and that is not a loving thing to do. Or should we stand b/c we think we know what is *best* for them? I think not. They know what they are doing and it is their choices, good or bad. Sooner or later the hurt must stop, for us. If we continue to hurt that is just not healthy.
So I am pushing forward with my D. The loving thing I will do is to let her go b/c that is what she wants.
In life, you got to know when to hold and know when to fold them. When we really move on that also means our best chance to get them to reconsider. But given the water under the bridge, if my W reconsiders I wonder if I will still be there for her?
You are doing great and have a great attitude. Luck with the job.
Originally Posted By: Confident_Me I relate to your pain & desire for reconciliation "now"...
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I can't find where I said this so perhaps you are confusing me with someone else. I am neither in pain over the WAW/M nor do I desire "reconciliation 'now'". On the contrary, I'm not convinced reconciliation is even possible and the longer things go, the less I'm inclined to believe that it is. My only interest right now is to determine if she can make even the smallest step forward.
Sorry, I noticed this & that's why I mentioned it:
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I gave my WAW one month for each year we were married and I am now approaching that mark. I have done what I set out to do and sleep well knowing I have reached my goals. I have told her that I am fast approching the place where I will no longer be willing to entertain a friendship, marriage, or anything else with her, that I can appreciate that we may not be suitable for each other, and that if she feels certain that this is case, then I wish to conclude the D as quickly as possible.
The link I posted, mentions that a reconciliation might be just around the corner from the deadline you have given yourself
