Pain. This is my word for the day for my journaling. It's flippin' awful. How do all of you guys, who've had to deal with infidelity, get past the pain of this event? I know some of you have. Sometimes, it's all encompassing, but you know what, I don't feel like I can tell my W how I really feel, so I'm going to do it here:
Quoting Letter to W:W, I have provided for you for over a decade and have been totally, and 100% faithful. I know I could never cheat on you because the guilt would tear my heart apart, and I could not bear seeing your pain. Yet, after you professed to work on our R, you chose to have an affair anyway. You did this knowing it was wrong. You did this knowing it was my greatest fear. You did this knowing it would cause me incredible pain. It was so incredibly selfish and self-centered...especially when I was doing all I could to keep us together, to keep our family together, and to live a happy life, all while my job was at risk (and thus our welfare). During your year of belligerence, you treated me like cr$p, told me you didn't love me, showed no remorse for the pain you were putting me through, were short with the children, were mentally gone when physically there. You spent my hard earned money to pay for the gas to see your lover. You dropped our daughter off at school and secretly met your lover for rendevous. You talked, flirted, and told sweet things to each other at the bar instead of staying home when I needed you and your family needed you. You shoved all who love you aside to pursue your own self-destruction, and the could have destroyed all that's good in life. I know you did this from a place of pain, but you did this knowingly.
Right now I don't feel like telling you I forgive you. The pain is still great. I'm humiliated because I can almost hear the whispers of those at the bar that suspect your infidelity. We made a promise to each other many years ago...a promise to work for each other through the good and bad times. Did you? No. Without regard to anyone, with reckless abandon, you did what YOU wanted. Now look at you. Do you feel better? No, it made you worse. Was I right? Yes, you know I was right. I was right about the negative affect of going to all the bars, and I was right about you needed to do nice things for yourself and quit wallowing in your depression. Did any of my words help? No.
I'm angry that you did this to us, W. I'm angry and in a lot of pain. But I'll get over it and I'll get through it.
Thanks for letting me vent guys. I'm feeling kind of crappy. I didn't edit this and just let random consciousness take over...so sorry for the poor grammer...
