Well, all, I kind of had a dose of reality last night that I wasn't sure what to think of it...kind of bothered me.

So, I got home and my W and kids were not there, so I decided to tear it up on the guitar for a little bit. Gosh, it felt great, turned up that distortion and let it rip. In any case, I had decided that I wanted to let my W know when she got home that I knew she was hurting and that I was confident we could work things out and move forward, and also that she wasn't a bad person for what happened. So, I told her this and she maintained a sad look on her face. Nothing much more was said until we were downstairs and I was cooking up some dinner.

I asked her, "do you really love me?" because she has yet to tell me herself, and frankly, I really want to know what she's feeling in that regard. I think of should have left this one alone (and will for now), but her response was the following: "Yes I love you. We have a lot of history together and have been through a lot together, we have great sex, have similar interests, etc. I don't love you the same way you love me. I don't think anyone does. Peoples' love just evolves and changes over time." Well, I didn't like this answer. Sounds like she's resigned herself to live a life with me. I was quiet for a while and she was wondering why I didn't like that answer. I said that it just sounds like she's resigned herself to live her life with me. Her response was, "I do love you. Isn't that a good answer?" kind of frustrated (but not too much).

What do you guys think? I know I shouldn't have pushed the ILY stuff and won't anymore. I just have to wait until she's ready. Do you think that she'll ever regain the passion she's felt about me in the past? Do you think that she's so focused on her guilt that she needs to get past this first, then we can have that excellent R Michele always talks about in her books? C'mon, you guys, what do you think?

Let me share something else that happened last night. The alien seemed to come out and it concerned me. She seemed very sad. My W, when she's feeling blue, sits on our bed and writes in her journal. I went into the bedroom and asked if everything was okay. She wouldn't tell me at first, but I bugged her enough (not sure I should have in retrospect). But she said, "I don't want to burden you with my feelings of guilt and remorse. I feel that right now I should focus my efforts on trying to make you feel better." It was very sweet, and do you know what I realized? That sometimes when I saw the alien in the past couple of months, it was the guilt alien...nothing else. So, it seems like our Ses go from belligerent attitudes where our feelings are irrelevant to them, to performing some misdeed, then eventually this belligerence alien attitude morphs itself into a guilt-ridden alien attitude. At least, that's my take on it.

I will see what holds for me today. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't sleep very well. My W hugged me, but I don't want to dump on her too much. She's in such pain guys...she really is...

bellis