Atomic Bomb Exploded...R Fragments Everywhere!

[jethro]

Thanks so much for everyone's posts. It means a lot to me...Stacy, Dienne, Floyd, LL, and KAW. Thanks guys and gals... My apologies in advance for the long post.

I'm a little better today. My W just called me to ask how I was doing. Err!!! She's giving a lot, but it's messing with my brain! She asked what I wanted to do for New Years, and came up with a couple of suggestions, but mentioned that if I didn't feel up to visiting with all of these people and so forth, then we could just do what I wanted. I told her I was not going to let this thing prevent me from having fun. Yeah...I'm still DBing, huh?

I did get a little angry (no yelling or anything) with her last night after posting. I was shaking and she was worried I was going to have a heart attack (I have high blood pressure). Unfortunately, I gave her a couple of cheap jabs and she took them gracefully. I won't be doing that, though, because it accomplishes NOTHING...except to make her feel even more shi$$y (which, I have to admit I kind of feel like doing). But, I have to forgive and move on...I know.

Had sex twice yesterday. Weird. I felt I had to test whether this whole thing would affect me somehow. Much of the time I thought about OM, but it wasn't like I didn't enjoy it. Why does every feeling I have these days have to be completely mixed with good and bad? Ying and yang? The other day I get my W back and I so happy, but at the same time I'm hammered because I simultaneously find out she had an A. Yesterday, sex was great, but thoughts of the OM pervaded my mind.

My W went to church with me yesterday. I've taken the kids a couple of times in the last month or so...something I've been wanting to do...but my W has been working so she couldn't go with us. It was nice having her there. Of course, God's message was about remembering the positive and negative things that happened this year and reflect upon them...let go of the past... Man, every time I go to church, there's such a poignant message for me.

Bellis, think of this way. Even though your Ws body is like a forbidden temple for anyone to touch. The OM didn't get the most important thing and that's her spirit/soul. That she kept for you. One day we will leave this flesh here on earth and our souls will go live with the Lord. And we will rejoin our families in heaven. So this past year will become a faded memory when you think of the eternity you and her will share together.

Thanks for these words, Stacy. REALLY...THANKS. I do think along the same way sometimes to try and make myself feel better. I kept telling myself this before my suspicions were confirmed. It does help. I also appreciate the insight about your parents. I know I have to forgive and put it behind us, knowing that we will have a very strong R as a result. My W really feels this way...but she's ready to move on and I'm still stuck on the pain.

Remember, all the changes you have made were for you - you are now a better person than you were before and would you really want to be the same person you were before?

I would not want to be the same person I was before. Yesterday, I told my W that I felt like crawling up in a hole, but I wouldn't do that. I said, "that's the old bellis." She said she liked the new bellis much more and again reminded me how attractive my changes have been. I said I like the new bellis more too. She said there's nothing more attractive than watching someone make changes to better themselves. I suspect, because she's told me how much she likes my changes any number of times, that she's somewhat afraid I won't stay the path. All I can say is, ain't gonna happen!

Reading your sitch has helped me out a bunch. I feel that my W and I will not be able to move on until this A issue is resolved. Same with your sitch. I figured out last week that she is still hung up on it too, that its not just me.

Yes, Floyd, again I reiterate, I think she needs time to figure this out for herself. By you DBing, I think you are making it harder for her to hide her demons. Keep doing what you've been doing and hopefully I'll see you in my new neighborhood very soon.

having said all that...welcome to peicing...it is rather slow here but I see you've got some friends that are happy to come over and visit you. many think that the trenches is the hard part..dbing till the was comes to their senses and comes home...nope...the real work starts now!!!

LL, you ain't kidding. I appreciate your insights. I have read some of your threads previously and can only imagine your frustrations. I will update myself on the latest and stop by. I do understand what you mean about understanding the pain the WAS is having. I'm trying...I really am. But I've sacrificed a lot to be where I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm a better person and am proud of it, but the angry me wants to see some sacrifices on my W's part.

Have you read Michelle's forum article on "Forgiveness"?

Yes, but I think I better read it again. And again. And again...

In the mean time you will need to learn to let the "demons" go.

Dear God, I know. I'm trying...sometimes successfully. I'm caught between shoving them out of my mind and dealing with them so they don't haunt me in the future. Sometimes I feel numb, sometimes I feel like I'm gonna puke, and sometimes it doesn't even bother me that much because I'm so happy to have my W back (although she still won't really say ILY).

Come up with a mantra to cease all negative thoughts and let them go and allows you to move onto more positive thoughts and emotions.

I love this suggestion. There's a poem I have read by Lao Tzu that I really like. Maybe I'll just memorize it. Can I share it with you? Tough...

Some say that my teaching is nonsense.
Others call it lofty but impractical.
But to those who have looked inside themselves,
this nonsense makes perfect sense.
And to those who put it into practice,
This loftiness has roots that go deep.

I have just three things to teach:
simplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
Simple in actions and in thoughts,
you return to the source of being.
Patient with both friends and enemies,
you accord with the way things are.
Compassionate toward yourself,
you reconcile all beings in the world.

Also, KAW, thanks for the info. about other threads. I am definitely going to take a walk through the new neighborhood...including your thread.

Thanks again everyone. One day at a time, I guess...

bellis