Hi Bellis,
Always glad to see another fellow DBer make the move over to "Piecing". You are far from being alone in how you feel about your W's infidelity. In fact, your amongst some good people who's threads could help you gain some insights on how to deal with the "demons". People like Zebra, Lily, Matilda, Lostlove, Lisakate, Pfroglady, etc... (yeah, I have a thread here, too...)
Its OK to experience anger about what has transpired, but the key is not to get stuck there and find how to move on. This is where forgiveness comes in. It is the common perception that forgiveness is something we grant to our spouses. But more importantly forgiveness is a gift we need to give ourselves so that we can once again have the piece of mind we deserve and desire to have in our lives. Have you read Michelle's forum article on "Forgiveness"? Just like everything else in this process tho, it will take time to reach that point.
In the mean time you will need to learn to let the "demons" go. The worse thing to do is to continue ponder on the thoughts of her transgression. It is the past ... there is nothing that can be done now to change it ... thinking about it now amounts to nothing positive, but can have a devasting effect on yourself and marriage if the demons continue to run through your head unchecked. Rachael's threads are a good place to see how until she finally learned to let go, she was unable to obtain any joy in her life.
It is impossible to prevent the thoughts from "popping" into your head, but when they do, you have the power to make the conscious choice to stop the thought. Rebuke it. Come up with a mantra to cease all negative thoughts and let them go and allows you to move onto more positive thoughts and emotions. This too will take some time to work through. It helps tremendously when the spouse wants to work on the marriage as well and the both of you together can move on past this. Re-read DR (assuming of coarse that you have read it once already), with the emphasis on techniques to use when both are trying to strengthen the marriage.
