I ask, why ask! I don't understand why your H has to have his limited position met.
Tell him "A" or "B" works at this stage of the pregnancy. The old way doesn’t. Tell him you need to have some sexual release to feel comfortable, to avoid feeling so uptight or what ever and the baby's position dictated he does you "A" or “B” style. Tell him because you two haven’t practiced that position you will both have to learn to do it or try something else, something similar.
Sometimes I am reminded of a mortician story (not nice) when I hear what your H will only do.
Sorry for being blunt, but trying to work through some of my own SSM with BB leaves me with a short fuse.
Hoping things go well with the delivery. It's different now, but back in the early 70's if the babie had all their working parts functioning properly, that was the first concern. The Boy/girl plumbing made less difference.
I'm going to risk being obnoxious and suggest that you really need to figure out what kind of sex life, even if that means being a spy, your H is having since he clearly isn't having much of one with you. I think being a spy is indicative of fusion but I also think it might tell you what you might most want to deny.
Mojo,
I'm going to say that spying isn't always indicative of fusion (I know you didn't say it always is). I don't feel that my spying on my H was fusion. I spied on my H because I truly felt the saying was true "if you aren't getting it with me you are getting it somewhere", and I wanted to know what was really going on....in order to deal with it, or not. For me it was a search for information...that led to a pretty shocking discovery.
I will absolutely agree with you though that she might find out something she really either doesn't expect or would prefer to deny.
Karen, if you do go snooping...be prepared for whatever you might find out. It may be nothing, but you might get a shocker like I did too.
In my sitch, DID do snooping ( and I don't think it was fusion) but came up empty handed. GEL, I should have hired you! I am now getting the cleaned up, G rated version of what went on with my H, and I am trying really hard not to obsess.
Karen, you are on the right track with the " just have fun" idea. I think your H has some high expectations of himself, and high anxiety, so doing what's familiar and staying in his comfort zone is the easy way out. I wonder if he has some solo activity he's doing...it's a lot easier too.
But enough of sex talk...soon you will have a bouncing baby boy...how absolutely wonderful!
Karen I hope you have that little bundle real soon, nice and healthy and with all ten fingers n'toes :-)
I fondly remember the days when my little guy was just a few days/weeks old and cooing in my ear when I would hold him and he'd fall asleep (I just loved that sound!).
In my sitch, DID do snooping ( and I don't think it was fusion) but came up empty handed. GEL, I should have hired you!
LOL, that's actually funny to me now. My H has told me several times since I made my discovery, and have helped a friend of mine find out info as well...that I missed my calling LOL.
I KNOW my H does plenty of solo activity. There is virtually no way that he isn't. In my book no one can go that long with nothing. I am not in denial that he does nor would the nature of it surprise me much. The internet has made it possible to connect with people in myriad ways that aren't technical "cheating" so not alot would surprise me. I also believe that people can convince themselves that it is ok for a million reasons that their partner simply wouldn't go along with. "She's tired". "She's a Mom and wouldn't want to x,y,z". "I have needs she wouldn't understand." "I'm tired and this is just easier." "I'm bored but at least I'm faithful." and on and on.
The problem I get into with snooping is that in my case it would take more than the garden variety of snooping and would require a breech of trust that it pretty inexcusable. My H's computer is his work computer. We also have a family computer. Everyone has a personal, passworded account that contains varying levels of privileges depending on age and level of responsibility. This is mostly to keep people from inadvertantly screwing up corporate files/archives. Although I do have an account on H's work computer I do not have administrative priviledges. In order to track keystrokes I would have to breech trust by (a)acting as the administator (hacking in as H) and (b) getting on a computer I NEVER use for the sole purpose of spying.
I could get in to H's account if I chose to but I wouldn't find anything because H is tidy man in everything and I will guarantee he does only private browsing, cleans up his cookies etc... There would be nothing there no matter what activities he is up to. So guess what - realistically, the only thing I could really do would be to get H to talk about this topic and be honest. I believe that as a point of honor he does only whatever he thinks is ok - where that stops and starts I just don't know. I don't think he is having an affair per se but that doesn't mean I think he is pure as the driven snow. I'm just not sure he will ever talk to me about this.
Lou - I'm with you. I'm going to try that one tonight.
Karen1. I know a couple of single guys and they just don't get the sex part of a R. Too much like mommas boys or goody-two-shoes doctrine hammered into them for too long of a time.
One very nice guy has his own ideas of what is appropriate and decent. He doesn't talk about sex much but what he does say can be summed up in "he just doesn’t get it" as in he thinks sex is way over rated.
His big problem is he is not flexible enough. If it isn't his idea, isn’t with in his definition of normal, it isn't worth much consideration.
If he would ever go back to dating, and he admits missing out on a life-time of potential happiness with one woman he dated but was too slow to act, that woman would have to just gently and lovingly push him into a corner to get what she wanted. Maybe after showing him there is more than one way to do some things, he might have liked it. I am just assuming your H has some of these bachelor traits.
I know from the women talking here, you want the man to take charge and be the leader, some (the long time bachelors) men have had it hammered into them that certain things are not appreciated by women. Reading this forum tells me other wise.
as for the rest of it...can't help ya. we had the opposite situation, which is much easier to solve technically.
as for the "snooping" stuff: why is it that when a guy is LD, we assume he must be "gettin' it somewhere"? does that mean we think that there isn't really any such thing as an LD guy??? I don't remember anyone ever suggesting that I should snoop on my W, "..cuz she must be gettin' it somewhere". Particularly when she was PG. LOL!! oh, well. maybe its true. Maybe there isn't any such thing. I certainly don't get it, myself.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
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