Everyone, I'm moving to this neighborhood from the Newcomers because I was hoping to have some insight from some of the wisest DBers. I very much apologize for the lengthy post. In any case, a recap:
I'm 33, my W is 32, S 9, and D 4. We've been M 10 years, but were highschool sweethearts (had a 1-year breakup during college times). So, basically, we've known each other a long time, a lot of water under the bridge, etc.
1st bomb occurred 10/01 and second bomb on 10/02. The 1st bomb was the "I love you, but not in love" talk where she told me that she's been unhappy for a long time--unhappy with our M, unhappy with being a mother, regrets that she didn't do all those things she should have when she was younger. We got M too young, had kids too young, need a separation...we all know the drill. After the first bomb my W was very much in the alien phase, and I didn't recognize her (this has since gotten better). During this time she explored different things about herself, however. Bought some books, went out a lot, did some soul searching, but did not really implement anything she read. It was the difference between talking about doing this and that to make her happy and not actually doing what needed to be done. All talk and no action.
2nd bomb was 10/02. Pretty much the same conversation, but she concentrated more on the M being a failure than the children so much. She was more determined to S this time. The idea was to see if her feelings would change...the same sentiment as the first bomb. After an absolutely brutal weekend of me getting ticked off, getting sad, etc., and her finally talking to her parents, she decided to stick it out a little longer and not S.
It was after this second incident I found DR. Up until getting DR I acted like a whiner--pressuring, getting angry, etc., and didn't take responsibility for my half of the M. So now it's been about three months of DBing.
Now, I'll call this the third bomb, although it's a good bomb...I think... I found out my W had an A today (12-28-02). I have suspected for some time, but it still hit me like a piano out of a five-story apartment building. All of a sudden, in pretty much one day, she's back to the old W. It's messing with my brain and I'm trying to figure out what to do exactly. I've posted details on the latest bomb in my previous thread, Subatomic Steps are Better Than None at All! However, I have taken the liberty of including the most significant post from my previous thread of this event. Significantly more followed, but I don't want to bore you...
Quote: Well, the EA was a PA, as I suspected, after the first bomb. I finally got her to admit it. Damn, it's hard just writing the words. I am confused with a bundle of emotions because, after our talk this morning, I think that one could say that I'm a DB success story. Yet the pain of my W's infidelity is killing me. I was shaking throughout most of our conversation, which I will try and highlight.
I think I've realized a couple of important things today--one of which many of you are not going to want to hear. First, if one's S is acting like most of ours are, I'd say that it's likely they had or are having an A. The anger they show us is guilt about their own actions. Secondly, I realized that (as much as my W was trying to avoid it) I needed to have this conversation for HER to move on to try and fix our M. Although I don't think this is the case with everyone, I think she had to release her guilt...even though she told me her C (and others) advised her not too. She won't admit it, but talking about the A was the catalyst that caused us to have the all-important R talk that everyone on this board both wants and dreads...
So, at about six this morning, she rolled over and asked how last night was (with Umbrella). I said it was fine, then jumped in and said I think you've had an A. Real subtle, huh? She tried dodging the issue, but finally admitted it. I won't bore you with THOSE details, however, but I wanted to share with you what else she said. I will try and do my best to remember because I think it's important for all of us to hear/understand.
Gosh, so much was said... She told me that she felt she had to have an A to see how it made her feel...to get a better understanding of OUR situation. She said it wasn't right and that she feels guilty, regrets it, apologized and so on, but that she was coming from a (bad) place where that was her justification. She also wants to very much try and work things out. She admitted to having intimacy issues with me (which she does...and she realized she would with anyone) and wants to try and get that straightened out. She said that (ever since I DBed) she had begun to remember what things were like way back when, and how she loved me. She said that she thought she could get that love back, but it would be a lot of work for both of us. She also said that she'd respect my wishes about certain issues (I'll get to that later). She told me and praised me about how I've changed the last few months, and that she likes it so very much. In fact, she went as far to say that that's what really made her stop and think twice about everything. She didn't realize how much my tense and stressful behavior got to her over the years. She went on to say that she knows my changes are for me and that's great, that she does not see me going back to my old ways. She knows, and said, that they are permanent. And this change is what REALLY caused her to rethink things. You see guys, it does work!!! She also said that she and I could go to counseling, one that I had already mentioned, one that is action oriented for goodness sake!
I pretty much figured she had had an A when I was driving down south to meet Umbrella...all the curious pieces seemed to have fallen into place. So I had time to think it through in the car (took about two hours). I decided that the approach I was going to take was not to lay down and I was going to make some demands...set some boundaries. There was just no other way for me given her behavior. So, I told her that I never want her going back to that damn bar, and to generally cut down all this going out and drinking business. I said that it was an unhealthy, and that that was my argument for her not going so much to begin with. I said that I was trying to avoid exactly what happened. She admitted to me that it was true, and that she'd do that. I also said she is never to have contact with this person again. Her response was, "that goes without saying."
Towards the end of our conversation, I asked if she even loved me. She was quiet a moment (which I didn't like), but said that she did. I still think it's the "I love, but I'm not in love with you" thing...
This is going to be so incredibly difficult for me to deal with. I'm very conservative and have very strong opinions about infidelity. I used to think that if she ever did anything like that, it would be over. I'm not sure that it wouldn't if it wasn't for my wonderful kids. I look at it as I married this woman, so I have to pay the consequences of her actions to give my children a loving home. I know it's harsh, but that's how I feel.
I have a lot of healing ahead of myself and a lot of forgiving for my W. God knows I still love her, but I'm naturally angry...not as angry as I thought, though. So, in a way this is a bitter sweet victory, is it not, but a victory nonetheless?
That's it! Any comments? I'm just hoping my old W will stay that way...that her behavior today is not simply out of guilt. I'd hate to see the alien rear its ugly head again.
