It's all about EC, for BOTH sexes. The probelm is that most women have real problems with GIVING EC to their spouse. What they need to understand is that EC for them happens BEFORE sex, but for men, the primary EC comes AFTER sex(for HD men). So LD women dismiss sex as important, they have sex maybe 2 times a month, not realizing that by doing so, EC is only happening twice a month. THey gets tons of it, and they never give it back. Or if they give EC, it is in ways that THEY understand, and it is not what I want. In other words, they can not speak our love language.
Cemar, I don't agree with this assumption at all. I believe that for the most part, neither the man NOR the woman in a SSM is getting "tons" of EC. They're probably getting an equal (low) amount, hence the SSM.
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What I have seen and what Chrome was mentioning is that our wives LOOK for things to occupy their lives, and at the end of the day, they are so tired, they have nothing left for us, but this was their CHOICE!
Are you saying that LD Ws "look" for other things to do all day specifically so they'll be too worn out for sex at the end of the day? If so, you're grossly oversimplifying and you're taking it way too personally. But, that's what you do, isn't it? I can't speak for your wife, but I certainly didn't CONSCIOUSLY tire myself out to avoid intimacy with my H. As I've previously posted, our SSM was the result of many interwoven factors, not the least of which were cultural gender differences.
But there are many very horny women on this board who are willing to do LOTS of adventurous sexual things with their H's, and yet their H's give little to them.
LD men are so different. THey have almost nothing in common with HD men,so any strategy for them will have to be completely different then what HD men must follow. And HD women are so different from LD women. I tend to think that true HD people, men or women, are people that actually GET EC from sex. True LD poeple are those that need EC BEFORE sex. What this means is that many LD women like my wife could actually increase the sex frequency, but they would still be LD women, they can never be true HD women.
I do not say that they are consiously looking for things to do. What I see in many LD women is that they can not focus on the needs of their spouses. On their lists of things to do each day, we never get to the top of the list, because if you don't desire sex, there is ALWAYS something that will be more important then sex.
I think you're generalizing again. I don't buy your theory of "true" HD or LD. I don't think people are "born" LD. I think they are "made" LD. There are a lot of factors that influence a person's desire, including FOO issues, medical issues, social issues, personality/temperament, and their R.
Maybe your wife is "really" HD, but she's LD with you.
What I see in many LD women is that they can not focus on the needs of their spouses. On their lists of things to do each day, we never get to the top of the list, because if you don't desire sex, there is ALWAYS something that will be more important then sex.
OK, I'll agree with this for the most part. In a nutshell, neither partner is able to adequately communicate their needs to the other, so the needs go unmet. As everyone knows, Michelle's SSM book covers this in great detail.
I have read them in front of her, but that tens to put pressure on her. SHe saw me reading passionate marriage once and thought I was reading it to figure out how to have better sex, like it was a how to book. I tried to explain how it was about relationships and not sex, but she still thinks I just want better sex. It can take a LONG time for a ND women to actually understand what sex is about, if EVER.
Maybe you could elaborate a little more. What is wrong with wanting to be desired? If you were single today and dating and you found out the women you are with really has no physical desire for you, would you continue dating her? Afterall, marriage is essentially dating for life.
Why would we ask ANYONE to be ok with the fact that their spouse does not desire them?
My wife thinks that making dinner, or paying the bills, or washing the clothes, or talking with me is showing me that I am loved. This stuff means NOTHING to me.
Finally, some insight. CeMar, she IS SHOWING you that she loves you, in her own love language. She's doesn't "think" those things are telling you that, she IS telling you that. Yet you refuse to accept that she is telling you that...because it's not said in your language.
How do you expect her to speak your love language in her attempts to show you she loves you if you don't speak hers and form an intimate connection with her...it won't happen? I see you totally dismissing her way of saying I love you...and that won't work....in fact that's horribly hurtful to her I'm sure. My response to your post when you said that was OUCH! If that came across on here that way, I can only imagine how your behavior at home comes across. OUCH!!
My H has never stopped speaking his own love languages to me, but he has attempted to incorporate what I need (once I spoke his LL)....but I have NEVER dismissed his attempts to say I love you in the ways that are meaninful to him, to me. I've made the effort to recognize his AOS to me as "I love you", and that helped to begin to fill my love tank. I had to conciously see those things and recognize what he was saying/doing, and then I began to try to speak his love languages...THEN some emotional intimacy was achieved and things improved from there. This is NOT limited to my H CeMar...this same thing applies to your W. However if you continue to view the way your W says she loves you currently as NOTHING, then you will not move foward. It's not nothing, it's meaningful...you need to learn to validate it!
As the HD spouse you CANNOT sit back and wait for her to do things, YOU must get things going. I had to do it, Honeypot had to do it, and countless males on here have had to do it. It's not GENDER specific....it's HD/LD specific.
FWIW...there is nothing wrong with wanting to be "desired" but right now, you are nowhere in the ballpark of having that happen.
I have read them in front of her, but that tens to put pressure on her.
Good. I'm all for putting the pressure on.
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I tried to explain how it was about relationships and not sex, but she still thinks I just want better sex.
Ahhhh.... and I'm sure in some sense, in some form, you've gotten the... "it's just never enough for you!... I'm tired... I'm stressed... I'm just not like that anymore... what do you want from me".... ????
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It can take a LONG time for a ND women to actually understand what sex is about, if EVER.
Absolutely. And that is the very problem. She doesn't understand. From my own experience, and from Mrs. Cac and Mrs. Nop, the only thing that seems to puncture the fog is when the LD spouse realizes, truly realizes, how deeply their spouse is hurting. She doesn't understand that it ISN'T just about sex.
Have you ever considered taking her to a Marriage Encounter Weekend, like GGB has talked about?
And I'm sorry, I think you really need to turn up the heat on the 'pressure.' You don't have to be nasty or mean... but you do have to stick with it, consistently, like NOP did.
