It sounds like you are doing so many of the right things. Try not to defend yourself when she tries to blame you. Just listen and validate her feelings at this point. Support her while she works through her stuff in IC. I think being her friend and not judging her in any way is key right now.
Let us know how it goes with the people from church. I'm sure that it will make her think - just don't expect too much immediate action. My H has had another conversation with our church leadership over the weekend. Not even sure how it went.. I'm not asking questions.. Just waiting...
