ssm--low desire with spouse..but not ld person

[runner26.2]

HI Chrome-

I know what is happening at your house. That is how it is here. Except I am the W who is tired after doing all the housework, dinner, kids (school work, groominging, bed). It is exhausting. By the time I sit down my mentality is..."I can't care or do for anyone else...I just want to sit down and relax." If I lay next to my husband, he will start rubbing my back and be touchy and that builds resentment in me like..."leave me alone, I can't give anymore, I am exhausted." Of course I don't say that.

Question: Do you help her out at home with dinner and the kids?

I don't know how old the kids are but mine are all under age 9 so I am stretched thin. I also know that my situation involves deeper issues of EC. I think maybe your wife's does too. Just a thought. My SL is great if we plan a evening and enjoy each other and have a good night...but during the week...it is exactly how you state it. Maybe try mixing up your week? You cook and do dinner once or twice a week..wine, etc and create a date like mood even though it is during the week. I know I would appreciate that. Even more I would love to see a positive interaction of working with the kids and helping them with whatever they need for school. Those things are mood helpers. This may not pertain...but I thought I'd offer my input since you have been trying to give me insight as to my problems.

runner26.2

[chromosphere]

Runner,

Thanks for your input. I hope you don't feel hijacked, but apparently there are enough similarities between our situations that me discussing my situation can be helpful to you. Maybe you see some of your H in how I discribe my POV for example.

If I lay next to my husband, he will start rubbing my back and be touchy and that builds resentment in me like..."leave me alone, I can't give anymore, I am exhausted." Of course I don't say that.

This is a revealing statement about your mental attitude. When your H rubs your back do you assume that he is trying to prime you for sex? Or could it be that he sees that you are tired and is trying to do someting to make you feel better/relaxed? When you say "of course I don't say that", you reveal that you have hidden resentment. That sort of thing over the years is what can lead to loss of EC. Have you ever talked to your H about how him rubbing your back makes you feel?

Question: Do you help her out at home with dinner and the kids?

Yes, although not as much as I would like. One of the problems is that my job is not a high paying job, so to support having 3 kids I must work extra. And on top of that, I don't get overtime. It is one of those situations in which you work extra so that administration and senior faculty will notice you working extra and include you in grants and other activities that will garner extra pay. It has worked, I got the highest raise of anyone in my college last year. All that being said to explain that no I am not at home all the time, although every night I am, usually 3-4 nights during the week and 2 out of 3 weekends I help with everything needed from washing dishes to bathing the children, etc. I don't help with dinner typically because my W derives much enjoyment from cooking and trying new things. I do bring home a pizza or cook spaghetti for everyone, etc. on the occasion she is too tired.

I have 3 kids, twins that are 3 and a son who is 1.

My SL is great if we plan a evening and enjoy each other and have a good night...but during the week...it is exactly how you state it.

I have begun to institute "date nights" in which someone babysits and the W and I go out.

Maybe try mixing up your week? You cook and do dinner once or twice a week..wine, etc and create a date like mood even though it is during the week.

I will try to do that, especially now that the semester is almost over. She will not drink alcohol, but I get the idea.

Even more I would love to see a positive interaction of working with the kids and helping them with whatever they need for school.

Being a teacher myself, I plan to be very active in my children's education, especially since living in the Bible belt I have to deal with such issues as creation science.

Thanks for the tips and I hope my dicussions are helpful to you.

Chrome

[cemar2]

Chrome:

I agree with you 100%. I am not anti communication. What I am getting confused about is why the focus is always to be on the womens needs. What we seem to be saying on these boards is that to fix a marriage, the man should focus on the wifes needs, and the WIFE should ALSO focus on the wifes needs. When do the needs of the man ever get addressed?

I guess that I had a really radical concept, man focus on womens needs while women focuses on mans needs. Is this dumb? Seriously, maybe I have this wrong.

[cemar2]

runner26.2:

The problem with marriage is that the EC for men and women comes usually in very opposite ways. Men and women are VERY opposites. What he needs is likely NOT what you need and vice versa. This is a very delicate balance to achieve. ALL parts of the marriage need to be operating well, and this DEFINTIELY includes sex(with desire, that is KEY).

You talk about EC. This is very important. I am sure that you have many suggestions for your husband on how he can build EC with you. Let him know. But, how do you plan on building EC with HIM?

[cemar2]

Bear:

It's all about EC, for BOTH sexes. The probelm is that most women have real problems with GIVING EC to their spouse. What they need to understand is that EC for them happens BEFORE sex, but for men, the primary EC comes AFTER sex(for HD men). So LD women dismiss sex as important, they have sex maybe 2 times a month, not realizing that by doing so, EC is only happening twice a month. THey gets tons of it, and they never give it back. Or if they give EC, it is in ways that THEY understand, and it is not what I want. In other words, they can not speak our love language.

[Bear]

Hi Cemar,
Thanks for responding. I do understand where you are coming from. I also think you are right and really aren't getting where the woman is coming from. To ask for things to make an emotional connection for a woman are things that should be the MINIMUM kind of interaction with ANY relationship she has. Mutual respect, communication, feeling valued etc. She will probably want this from her girlfriends, siblings, parents...and any other close relationships she has... as well as her husband.

When a man is asking for sex to build the EC, and the rest of that stuff isn't there, for the woman it can feel like having sex with a stranger. Not in a good way. In a way that we are taught is bad. Think about it, most guys don't go out seeking a wife by looking for the woman who will have sex with him immediatly before they know each other and communicate and spend some time together.

Gotta get to work but that's the short version.

Have a good day everyone!

Bear

[chromosphere]

Cemar,

You may be right, there is a bias I think in the self-help world toward focusing on women. I mean, compare a typical women's magazine to a typical guy's magazine. I think that it comes about because many guys don't feel comfortable with communicating their needs due to our culture.

That being said, I do think you are getting a little confused. I know I focus a lot on my W's needs, and I want her to focus on her needs, but only because I am of the opinion that she hasn't taken the time to critically look at our marriage and see what it is she truly needs. I think that if she would, she could more clearly communicate to me what it is she wants and then when I provide it to her it does more to build up EC.

Then again, there are many women on this board, and the advice generally given them is to work on making sure they are meeting their H's needs. I don't see anyone on this board saying ignore your H until he gives you what you need first.

Finally, you are right in your later response about sex being one of the main things that MOST males find builds EC. But there are many very horny women on this board who are willing to do LOTS of adventurous sexual things with their H's, and yet their H's give little to them.

When do the needs of the man ever get addressed?

Doesn't the book on which this forum is titled focus in part on male needs?

Chrome

[cemar2]

runner26.2:

I can totally understand where you are coming from. I have 3 kids myself and the wife works full time. We are incredibly busy people. That does not help a marriage. You give all day. But your not giving to HIM. What I have seen and what Chrome was mentioning is that our wives LOOK for things to occupy their lives, and at the end of the day, they are so tired, they have nothing left for us, but this was their CHOICE!

I would let your husband know that you need help. He needs to help you take some stress out of your day. But I aslo doubt that this will help your marriage. Many of us HD guys DO this, and our wives still have no desire. We cook, we clean, we do things with the kids, we get involved in their activvites. We have talked about this on these boards a long time ago, we called it the Worlds best Dad, or Worlds best Husband strategy. We kind of determined that is really does not work. What happends is that our wives find even MORE to be busy about. No matter how much we help out, they STILL can not focus on the needs of us guys.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that women want men that have a primary goal in life that is NOT our wives.

[cemar2]

Bear:

I understand the whole EC thing. The problem is that our WIFES do not understand the EC thing. We can give our wives ALL kinds of EC, and yet they do not respond positively. They think that while THEIR love tank is being filled, that we ALSO benefit, and yet our love tanks are still bone dry. If I want affection and quality sex, words of affirmation is going to get you NOTHING. My wife thinks that making dinner, or paying the bills, or washing the clothes, or talking with me is showing me that I am loved. This stuff means NOTHING to me. All I want is her desire, nothing else. Everything that she is giving the marriage is the frosting, the cake is her DESIRE. Frosting only has value when it is on the freaking cake.

[chromosphere]

CeMar,

My wife thinks that making dinner, or paying the bills, or washing the clothes, or talking with me is showing me that I am loved. This stuff means NOTHING to me. All I want is her desire, nothing else. Everything that she is giving the marriage is the frosting, the cake is her DESIRE. Frosting only has value when it is on the freaking cake.

Whoa. You are in a bad place if you really mean that. What's going on with you man?

Chrome