Friday we met with the designer on the house, and H gave me an unsolicited kiss on the cheek before he jumped in the car and off he went. Sat morning was fine, then I went to work, then found out I had to stay for a second shift, so I ended up working essentially the rest of the weekend. Sunday before I went to work H told me that he thinks we need a housekeeper, that I just don't seem to be keeping up. Of course he didn't come right out and blame me. But I felt defensive none the less, felt like here he is pointing out yet another place where I don't measure up. I said fine. Talked about it with a friend and decided I was being defensive. Discussed it a bit, short little talks, more with H. I even admitted I was being defensive. Then he had and experience with the kids wrecking a bunch of stuff he had just worked on, and he also said he has a bunch of stuff that he needs to work on around the house, little things that he needs to finish, that sort of thing.
That made me feel better, perhaps he was just feeling pressure to finish up some of his stuff, I never nag about these things, despite the fact that I would like too, because some of these have needed to be done for quite a while. I think the housekeeper is not a bad idea, I need to let go my pride and be happy I can push off some of the work on. Hard to process.
I just really want to focus and accept the kiss thingy and go back to where that road was leading.
I wonder if the fact that I wasn't around and H ended up with all the responsibility this weekend also set off the lets talking about how you aren't preforming up to my expectations talk, see that is how I see it, not a discussion about how the undone stuff is causing him stress, but I suppose that is how it boils down. He sees stuff he want/thinks should be done and it stresses him and perhaps even reminds him that he has a to do list lurking around some place. I don't know guessing and processing here.
I will focus on completing some tasks in a more timely manner and explore the housekeeper idea for the heavier work week, perhaps I can get them to do some of the bigger cleaning tasks I have not wanted to tackle. It will be nice to have a few of those done by someone else while getting the house ready to sell.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
