ssm--low desire with spouse..but not ld person

[chromosphere]

Runner,

Thanks for your input. I hope you don't feel hijacked, but apparently there are enough similarities between our situations that me discussing my situation can be helpful to you. Maybe you see some of your H in how I discribe my POV for example.

If I lay next to my husband, he will start rubbing my back and be touchy and that builds resentment in me like..."leave me alone, I can't give anymore, I am exhausted." Of course I don't say that.

This is a revealing statement about your mental attitude. When your H rubs your back do you assume that he is trying to prime you for sex? Or could it be that he sees that you are tired and is trying to do someting to make you feel better/relaxed? When you say "of course I don't say that", you reveal that you have hidden resentment. That sort of thing over the years is what can lead to loss of EC. Have you ever talked to your H about how him rubbing your back makes you feel?

Question: Do you help her out at home with dinner and the kids?

Yes, although not as much as I would like. One of the problems is that my job is not a high paying job, so to support having 3 kids I must work extra. And on top of that, I don't get overtime. It is one of those situations in which you work extra so that administration and senior faculty will notice you working extra and include you in grants and other activities that will garner extra pay. It has worked, I got the highest raise of anyone in my college last year. All that being said to explain that no I am not at home all the time, although every night I am, usually 3-4 nights during the week and 2 out of 3 weekends I help with everything needed from washing dishes to bathing the children, etc. I don't help with dinner typically because my W derives much enjoyment from cooking and trying new things. I do bring home a pizza or cook spaghetti for everyone, etc. on the occasion she is too tired.

I have 3 kids, twins that are 3 and a son who is 1.

My SL is great if we plan a evening and enjoy each other and have a good night...but during the week...it is exactly how you state it.

I have begun to institute "date nights" in which someone babysits and the W and I go out.

Maybe try mixing up your week? You cook and do dinner once or twice a week..wine, etc and create a date like mood even though it is during the week.

I will try to do that, especially now that the semester is almost over. She will not drink alcohol, but I get the idea.

Even more I would love to see a positive interaction of working with the kids and helping them with whatever they need for school.

Being a teacher myself, I plan to be very active in my children's education, especially since living in the Bible belt I have to deal with such issues as creation science.

Thanks for the tips and I hope my dicussions are helpful to you.

Chrome