New To SSM

[jacqm]

I have realized that in my childhood, though I have no complaints It was Great!, (I am one of 7 children) I felt like I was always competing for attention and to this day wanting my mother's approval of me, which has transferred(because of SSM)to my R with my H. seeking his approval and not feeling like I ever get it. >>>>
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oh boy, do i hear you there. i too have a need for attention due to my childhood, so that makes his lack of attention so much worse to handle.
i wish i had an answer to your problem; that would mean i'd have one for mine.
we are separated right now for the past 15 months and he's filed...we're just waiting til the lawyer comes up with a court date. i'm not pushing and God has been holding things up, i guess. i just found out last week he'd sent in all the papers.

jacqm
40 day countdown

[nvraln]

Have you read the book "love must be tough" by Dobson? It helps to cope, when they leave or distance themselves from the relationship and on the website family.org they have lots of materials which are also very helpful. You know, if it wasn't for my child, I don't think I would remain in this relationship and if I ever feel that it's affecting my child, I will leave. I know the stats say it's better for the children to stay together but for them to see the misery I personally don't think that's healthy and seeing how it's affected my husband? I don't know which I think is worse. I am looking for a counselor right now. I can't take living like a roomate, it's killing me. Even so, I'm still praying for a miracle and I'll keep you in my prayers as well. Take care

[Delil@h]

How are you doing? Take care sweetie.
God bless...

[COG]

Ali,

I'm doing fine, just been busy lately. W and I are still working through things. Several things are very obvious, 1)neither one of us wants to end the M; 2) We are both somewhat frustrated that our M is so good in terms of friendship, parenting, finances, etc. but my W just does'nt have the feelings she wants and needs for a deeper R.

We had another "talk" the other night. She was pretty into her own world all weekend, and I was the supportive H until Sunday night when I became openly honest with her. Well we each got to let out some steam, overall I think it was healthy. W is reacting differently now when I bring up the "R". I don't bring it up like I used to, ie asking her how she feels. I'm in a more active position. Calmly letting her know that I'm not happy, and our R needs to change. I don't break down, I don't get angry, needy, or wimpy, instead I'm determined to push for what's right in a healthy R.

I find her responses becoming more open, honest, and for the most part logical. She does'nt get angry and run to the next room, and shut down for 24 hours until she's ready to discuss it. We're much more able to discuss the difficult, seemingly impossible issues in a respectful, honest, and hopefully productive way.

She definately wants our M to continue, and she desperately wants to have the feelings she needs. I CAN NOT change her mind about her need for the "feelings". I've tried and tried but she fights it tooth and nail. She is just NOT a "love is an action not a feeling" personality. Right or wrong, that's who she is, who I have to deal with. It makes for a bigger challenge to say the least, but does not make it impossible.

During our discussions lately she's brought up some negatives about our current sitch, HOWEVER, she's gone on to state many more positives than negatives. That alone is a huge change from a couple of years ago.

So I'm fighting on Ali. I've pretty much decided that I'm not going to stand for a mediocre R. I'm not going to keep quiet anymore. When I'm not happy about things I'm going to let her know about it, and when I am happy, I'll let her know that too. This approach seems to be the right one, at the right time, so far.

Love,

COG

[Heywyre]

Glad to hear your sitch is looking up COG - you have made the leap and it was a good one.

I too decided I couldn't just let things go - I also made the leap and things have got better each and every day since

It is going to be a very slow process for us but I know in the end we will come out in a better place - H even told the C that he was optimistic our R will be better in the end

Our R is something like yours - we have a great friendship, the finances are finally manageable and where we want to be that we can start having some fun together (thus the buying of the Jeep - which we are hoping to get this weekend if all goes well with the repairs).

Opening up to him this past weekend and letting him know everything I knew about the OW was cleansing to say the least, it made us both feel better - he opened up to me too and we had a really good talk about things they used to talk about and how he felt/feels about her now. I didn't know how I would feel about things when he starting talking about her, but she's a human being too and bottom line, he sought her out, she's in the business to make money and he was willing to shell it out. However, I don't begrudge any of the money spent as I would presume most of it went to her children (she has 3) and H said they seem well taken care of (he never saw them though but she had a very clean and modest home environment and she also teaches music on the side so she can be home with her kids so I guess she can't be all that bad eh?)

All in all, things are looking good. I want to go for counselling a couple times by myself though. I think some one-on-ones would do me good. C told H he thought he was ready to ween off the one-on-ones (which is a good sign I guess) but we will still go for our joint ones for a while yet

[nvraln]

COG,

It's so good to hear that your wife really wants your M to work and that she's more positive. I guess I'm learning that you have to find a balance when you talk to your spouse(so that you're not nagging but not keeping your feelings all bottled up either).
It's just the getting to that balance place. I'm trying to find that cause my H either doesn't want to discuss the sitch(I'm nagging) or gets angry. I have had some times where he has listened but then doesn't comment and that drives me crazy not knowing what he thinks or feels.

"I'm determined to push for what's right in a healthy R."

"I've pretty much decided that I'm not going to stand for a mediocre R. I'm not going to keep quiet anymore."

Good for you! Why opt for "worse" when you can have "better", I think worse = things either of you can't control or make any effort to change. Better = giving 100% which includes sacrifice if that's what it takes(if having sex for one person is a sacrifice, then so be it) I don't like or feel like cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc.,etc.,etc. but I do it anyway.
Nvraln

[COG]

nvraln,

I'm trying to find that cause my H either doesn't want to discuss the sitch(I'm nagging) or gets angry. I have had some times where he has listened but then doesn't comment and that drives me crazy not knowing what he thinks or feels.

One thing I've learned is that when my W does'nt want to talk about it, or when she listens to what I have to say but does'nt comment, is that she does'nt have anything positive to say. So, she chooses to make no comment. So then I push, and prod, which makes her even more frustrated until she finally says what's on her mind, which is rarely positive in that circumstance. So I've learned to not prod, and push for her to share her "feelings". I'll open the door, but I will not force her through it. When she feels safe, she talks, when she's pressured she clams up.

We need to realize that our frustration comes from within us. It's not our S's fault that we get frustrated, they are who they are. Most likely they're trying to spare us additional pain. They're not IL, they can't love us the way we want to be loved right now. We can beat them to a pulp, and that's not going to change, rather it could make things worse.

All that said, I think after some time and a lot of patience, it's perfectly understandable to stand for what's right and whole in a R.

Keep up the good work,

COG

[COG]

Journal: Went on a run a few nights ago, found a book left at our front doorstep. Dr. Laura's "Proper Care and Feeding of A Marriage". W said it was from a friend of her's.

Kind of makes me feel good that she's maybe open to more helpful information. I know she wants our M to work out, she wants to have sex but she wants to feel good about it. It's the "feeling good about it" part that needs to be nurtured.

She's been really friendly and warm lately. Her actions tell me she's changing, reaching out a little. She's letting go, and so am I, to allow a more natural unorchestrated transformation. I'm working on me, to become a better MAN, she's realizing that she has a part to play also.

We had another very nice weekend together. I'm remodeling the bathroom. She likes a man that's into tools and stuff, and do I ever have some tools to show her.

God Bless,

COG

[Heywyre]

Wish my H was a "tool" guy - lol

All kidding aside, I don't know why but both times I picked a guy that is useless, and I mean completely useless, when it comes to being a handyman. I don't want someone that can build me a house, but please, a little more than change a lightbulb would be nice.

I guess I shouldn't complain, at least God gave me the intelligence to be able to do those things myself (hmmmm, on the other hand, maybe THEY were the ones seeking out the handy"woman") I was douped

Seriously though, I am thrilled for you COG - told you you'd be the one getting "it" before me

[COG]

Heywyre,

told you you'd be the one getting "it" before me

Well that's yet to be seen. I'll admit that I hope you get to say "I told ya so"! AND, one thing is for sure. As cold as my W was a couple years ago, if she turns on, ANYONE can turn on, even a H that does'nt know a hammer from a saw.

Keep on trying!

Love,

COG