Today was another day were I pretty much did not see my W. I was actually disappointed for my girls sake. I really thought that my W would meet us at church or atleast be home once we got home from church - she did neither. I am tired of apologizing to my D5 for my W actions or non family involvement. My D5 was really heart broken that she did not get to see her mom this morning.
After we got over the disappointment of my W not being home, we had lunch and went outside to play. We where over next door playing Baseball with the neighbors and then had dinner with them later in the evening.
Once my W got home from work I went for a run and veggied out on our front porch for a little while. Once I got back in I showered and waiting for me when I was done was my W ready to talk about our R, or should I say lack of R. She asked if I recieved her email the other day to which I said yes. I really did not want to talk about M or R because the weekend was good and I did not want her to ruin it for me. Well I did tell her that I did not want to talk and if we do talk we should have a counselor or some sort of mediator. Well she decided to talk anyways....
Here is a recap: W - So what do we do now? Me - I don't think we should rush into anything until we sit down with a counselor and maybe they could help us make some decisions. W - You realize all these feeling that have been coming out the last 4 months have been there for the last 7 years. Me - Yes, I understand that fully or I atleast hear you telling me this.. W - Do you know for the last 2 yrs that when were intimate and the fact that I did not feel connected with you made me feel used and degraded. Me - I know this now.... Why did you not tell me this made you feel this way? We could have worked on this years ago.... W - Yes, you are right but I tried to make connections with you and always hit a wall. We never connected.... Me - Neither of our attempts at connecting ever worked because we both tried to connect to each other in the way that we need to feel connected. To be honest all your attempts at connecting with me always felt artificial and that you were trying to change me into someone that I am not. W - Well I feel that our whole M has been artificial. I never said anything because I thought how could I complain? I have it all, house, kids, money,etc..... Accept an intimate connection with you. Even over the last 4 months when I tried to share with you I never got anything from you.(Ok this really sucks because I have been trying not to talk and be a good listener. I have had to bite my tongue to do so....I will use this statement as a learning statement for me....)
That was pretty much it because the puppy decided to pee all over our bathroom at this moment.
I guess what I learned tonight is that no matter how bad it hurts I need to talk through everything my W is throwing at me. Or do I take her comment as BS and she is just using that for more justification to leave? I do not know....
Well it is getting late and I have to get up early. I will try to get some sleep.
