H spoke with his sister today and told her that its over and there is no chance of reconciliation. At first I was crushed but I think thats only because he had put things off for so long that I had hopes but now I realize that Im not sure that I wanted to go back in the first place. I think its that I was scared to be alone, scared of my fiancial situation. The more I think of how things were the more I think that this is for the best. I have been so much happier since he has been gone. I sleep better. I dont live in fear of what hes gonna think of my every move. I have got a life. I have made new friends, and I am so much more confident. I actually feel pretty and I havent felt like that in a very long time. He supposed to call the realtor tomorrow and list the house. I am actually very excited about getting my own place. I have questioned for a very long time about whether I loved him or not and I think deep down I will always have something for him but its time to move on adn I feel so releived that finally he may actaully do what he says. There was a day a couple of weeks ago that he asked if we were gonna put the house up for sale and I told him to go ahead and call the realtor, he responded with, whats the hurry. That made me think he wasnt sure what he wanted and that maybe he wanted to try. I told him that if we werent goint to be together then I wanted to get this overwith and move on with my life. I was ready for that weeks ago. It really confused me when he asked what my hurry was. But now I know that this is for the best. I finally have no expectations. What happens happens. Im looking forward to finding someone to share my life with who truly loves me for who I am. Some one I can be myself around. I miss myself, and I finally got myself back after he left. So tomorrow brings apartment hunting. Im so excited about that. I cant afford a whole lot right now but its something I can call my own and I can what I want with it. maybe if we profit enough on the house I can have enough for a dwon payment on a new house. I am so optomistic about the things to come. Wish me luck. I will still check in here, because even though I dont want my marriage, I still feel that there are alot of lessons I can learn for myself here.
Heather