ssm--low desire with spouse..but not ld person

[Bear]

I feel for you runner, and I think balance it definately part of the equation. I was a SAHM for 12 years and was very isolated at times. I finally started my own business doing web design but much of the work was done online or on the phone with clients I had overseas from before we moved back to the states. I was busier but still isolated. My ex thought that going to the grocery store or the mall with the kids should have filled my need to get out of the house but as you probably know...it's not even close.

I will add that Nop has a good point. I think sometimes women don't know how to accept when men show that they are trying. If it's not 100% then the sex can still feel awkward and somewhat empty so they shy away from it. For me, I had to really flip a switch in my head and make a determined choice to be more sexual. Of course with ex it was never enough but I did get to a point where I just told myself that this is my husband and I love him and I want to do my best to make him feel loved. The way he needed to feel loved was with sex. So we had sex.

I also took the initiative outside the bedroom to ask for things that I needed. It helped squash the resentment. For example, he would spend all night on the computer sometimes while I was sitting in the same room. He thought we were together but I felt lonely. I'd ask him to come and sit by me on the couch and to give me a head rub (cuz I luuuuuvvvv head rubs and they make me relaxed.) The benefit was two-fold. He felt like I wanted/needed him cuz I was asking him to be near me, and I felt like he was willing to make an effort and do the head rub. We would pop in a movie and I would lay in his lap and he would rub my head. He was willing to do that without sex as a payoff and I appreciated that. In turn, it made me feel closer to him and many times, things would go further. I also found it REALLY hard to initiate with him so I asked him if we could come up with a clear sign for me to let him know that I was open to sex because he would sometimes miss my cues. He said "Just grab my d!ck." LOL! Smart azz!

Chrome, I was thinking about your sitch too and your wife suggesting the bj and hj to take care of you. I think she may be going through this internal struggle that I mentioned before but I think she truly does want to do something "for" you. I know that what she is offering is not 100% what you want but maybe you can see it through different eyes. What if instead of looking at it as crap sex, you could look at it as a step toward regaining some closeness with you. It sounded like she is trying to take a step closer. Just my opinion but maybe if you told her that it makes you feel loved that she wants to be so close to you, maybe that would help both of you see a difference in your sitch.

I wanted to ask too, is it really crap sex? I mean does it seem like she would rather be anywhere else doing anything else? Is that just how you are interpreting it because she doesn't want it in the same way you do? Does she have an issue with your EA? Does she know about it? Sorry if you've been over this already. I've been away from the BB for awhile and haven't caught up on everyone yet.

Runner, raising kids can be the most gratifying and thankless job there is. It is grunt work. It is oftentimes giving up yourself. It took me waaaaaaaayyyyy too long to realize that kids need to fit into YOUR life. You don't need to stop everything and cater to your kids. Let them know who you are. Keep some hobbies and share with them. Take some time to yourself to grow, learn, whatever sparks your passion outside of being a mom and wife. It can help, especially if your H is supportive of it.

Hang in there!

Bear