Same things went through my mind Nic. I lost my mind more than once this past year so you will be okay.
My path to forgiveness and being genuinely friendly (friendly, not friends) was to stop thinking of what I SHOULD be feeling and start thinking on what I was actually feeling.
I was very angry and I felt hate for the person W had become. I was very frustrated on not being able to change things. I feared the future for me and my kids. So, I felt those emotions without the guilt of telling myself I should feel ‘detached’ and ‘forgiving’.
That mental state is very difficult and I still slip, but I started to see things as they really were – not what I wanted them to be. I saw her reality – how she was confused and hurt and angry and wanted something else. And that led to making decisions for me and realizing that she was walking on her journey and that was her choice and I had to support it or the whole concept of unconditional love was a sham.
I stopped apologizing for her behavior. Sure, MLC is real but I cannot possibly know what she is thinking and my trying to mind-read only makes it worse for me. They are functional human beings and they know what they are doing. We need to accept that and move on for us rather than hanging on without moving forward.
‘Standing’ and ‘moving on’ are not opposites; you can choose to do both or you can choose only to move on. Either is healthy and each situation is different. You can also choose only to ‘stand’ – but IMO that turns standing into just being stuck; believing things are different b/c we want them to be different and therefore handing over control of us to someone else.
Other things I learned the hard way: Going dark does not mean stop communication. Going dark does not mean not being friendly. Acting that way is just not me. I will not stoop so low as to let anger rule. I must be true to me or all is lost.
I maintain minimal contact with her, in fact I now contact her only for ‘business’, but I now try to make each interaction a positive one for her. When I achieve that I feel good about me; somehow above the fray. I feel good that I am not hurting her although she is hurting me and using me. I feel good flirting with her – I flirt b/c I feel good about me!
Sounds like stuff you read in the Bible, does it not?
