Been reading around and your name kept popping up. I think you are looking for a life line to hold on to. Let me see if I can help. I come to you while looking at a Divorce too. Do not know if this is going to happen. At least it will not happen tomorrow. I do have a hearing at 1:30 pm. I am sharing this so you know from where I come from.
TJ may or may not go through with this Divorce. He seems to want one, and goes about with OW in front of his family. They see right through it. No honor or respect there.
His new life, running away, OW, all the stuff, is his "drug", ok? He is self medicating his pain, his avoidance of blaming himself. He keeps realizing he is not happy, and has to keep upping the drug adiction, Now he thinks that a D will give him some self respect. So he is happy with the prospect of this. Of course he is happy. He has found an outside reason for his unhappiness and falsely believes that this will be the final relief for his pain. It will not be. It may help for awhile, but until he faces the pain, and goes through it, he will continue to be unhappy. You see, it is the nature of men to solve problems. They change external things, forces, situations to bring about the desired effect. He has to blame you, or it will be his fault, and this will challenge his masculinity, his ego. He can not do it until his addictions fail him. When they fail him, and he finally looks in the mirror, he will begin to see his life in shambles, and then go through his own form of heck. Right now he seems happy. He sees relief in sight. He thinks he has confirmation that he has been right all along. He will be happier and so will you. He will be for a while. Then disaster should find him. Your giving into him with the divorce. OK. THis is what you need to do for you. I so respect that. You will find your happiness and peace. Keep the door open ever so slightly. You never know what will appear.
I have chosen to be TJ's friend. He needs to feel safe with someone, and I am filling that need. It feels good to me. We have such history, and it is not in my makeup to desert him, especially with his Dad's terminal illness. He is showing signs of stress according to his sister. He is going to need more of his drug. She will fail him at some point. Let's see if the D process holds out long enough. So far, TJ filed in June. No movement towards the divorce. He has produced only a few documents, and no settlement offers. This is dragging on, and he is creeping closer to me. His choice, his movement. His needs. He feels safe with me. He is changing up his contacts with person stuff, mostly appriciations. That is good for both of us.
Now how can we help you through the next few days, weeks? How can I hold your hand?
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
One can be civil for the sake of the kids, but you are not obligated to be friends, or even friendly. He made his choice, and it seems to me that now that the D is pretty much a foregone conclusion, perhaps it's time for you to move on and past him. You don't need him in your life, except as the father of your children. As a friend, he's been pretty lousy, not to mention his lack of good husbandly qualities, so why do you even want to be friendly. IMHO, civility is the way to go, and work toward true detachment. As for forgiving him ... this sometimes takes time, and you have no obligation (except to yourself) or great need to forgive him, until you are good and ready - you owe him less than nothing. Tough, if he doesn't like it. You have every right to be angry, disappointed, and disillusioned. Just take the time to work on overcoming, detaching, and finding a new path for yourself. I doubt he is too concerned about how he has hurt you and screwed up your life, while he is happily moving on with some younger OW, who will eventually wake up one day and realise that the saying "young man's fool, old man's darling". ain't true at all, more like "young man's sweetheart, old man's MLC fantasy". Ok, that was my rather inept attempt at humour. Sorry! But, it is kinda true.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Same things went through my mind Nic. I lost my mind more than once this past year so you will be okay.
My path to forgiveness and being genuinely friendly (friendly, not friends) was to stop thinking of what I SHOULD be feeling and start thinking on what I was actually feeling.
I was very angry and I felt hate for the person W had become. I was very frustrated on not being able to change things. I feared the future for me and my kids. So, I felt those emotions without the guilt of telling myself I should feel ‘detached’ and ‘forgiving’.
That mental state is very difficult and I still slip, but I started to see things as they really were – not what I wanted them to be. I saw her reality – how she was confused and hurt and angry and wanted something else. And that led to making decisions for me and realizing that she was walking on her journey and that was her choice and I had to support it or the whole concept of unconditional love was a sham.
I stopped apologizing for her behavior. Sure, MLC is real but I cannot possibly know what she is thinking and my trying to mind-read only makes it worse for me. They are functional human beings and they know what they are doing. We need to accept that and move on for us rather than hanging on without moving forward.
‘Standing’ and ‘moving on’ are not opposites; you can choose to do both or you can choose only to move on. Either is healthy and each situation is different. You can also choose only to ‘stand’ – but IMO that turns standing into just being stuck; believing things are different b/c we want them to be different and therefore handing over control of us to someone else.
Other things I learned the hard way: Going dark does not mean stop communication. Going dark does not mean not being friendly. Acting that way is just not me. I will not stoop so low as to let anger rule. I must be true to me or all is lost.
I maintain minimal contact with her, in fact I now contact her only for ‘business’, but I now try to make each interaction a positive one for her. When I achieve that I feel good about me; somehow above the fray. I feel good that I am not hurting her although she is hurting me and using me. I feel good flirting with her – I flirt b/c I feel good about me!
Sounds like stuff you read in the Bible, does it not?
Holly - I don't know what I want/need. I will have to think about that.
Jeff and AH - you both have similar ideas. I've been thinking along the same lines - being cold just is not who I am. I want to act in a way that is authentic; I'm just not sure what that is right now.
BM - I can always count on you to bring me back down to earth! Yeah, I don't even know why I care at all anymore.
NJ - Did you have another name before? It sounds like you've been here for a while. It's true that I do still have expectations of H; boy, it is so hard to let go of those. Thanks for your thoughts.
Well, I am doing better. I did indeed hear something I needed to at church, which was that God had something in store for Jacob that was even more wonderful than he could have imagined, better than what he could have created by his own hand. Jacob tried to engineer his own future, but even he couldn't do as good a job.
So I will quit trying to engineer my own future, as of NOW. ha ha ha ha ha! But seriously, it is something I have to work on.
I have just frittered my day away and done no work at all, but I do have to get some done before I go to bed. I spoke to my brother and my dad. My bro and I talked about his R with gf ~ he doesn't know if it's headed to M or not. We talked about how love is an action word, and feelings follow actions. Apparently, she says the same thing! We'll see where he goes with that. My dad told me to just move on, said he doesn't understand why I have any feelings for H and I should just take care of myself and my kids. But then he said that H might be happier now, but it's not my problem!!! Ack! Okay, he's right, but I didn't want to hear that he might actually be really happy.
I don't know what was up with me this morning...low blood sugar? Not enough sleep? Anyways, I'm feeling better for now.
First mediation appt is Tuesday. I think it will be just about the rules of mediation and some forms to fill out. Still, not looking forward to it.
I think this thread is going to lock, so I'll start a new one.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
