My Heart's Journey into the Unknown

[BeingMe]

Your H sounds like a user, and is a lazy, fairweather dad. He probably thinks you and the OW are too stupid to figure him out ... well, don't know about OW, but you clearly have him down pat. But, as you said, not your problem anymore.

[faithisbelieving]

I don't think any response from me is needed...I think things are pretty clear here.

Advice...who...ME? lolol

Carseats? Yeah...loving, caring husbands remember and do those things.

You're gonna be fine....it'll take time. FIB

[princess_nic]

FIB ~

Are things clear? I still don't know what happened to the man I thought I married. But maybe I didn't marry him after all.

AH ~

Yes, I do have plans. I'm going to a play that one of my colleagues wrote and directed. It's about the photographer Diane Arbus.

Actually the friend I'm going with said something really nice to me today. We've been friends since 1st yr university, so I even knew him before H.

We were talking about H's recent jerkiness, and he said, "Well..." I interrupted with, "I know, I know...I'm better off w/o him." But he said, "No, that would disrespect your R. You weren't with him for a just a couple of years. Your R had a beginning, middle and end. And the end has just been really bad."

What a good way of putting it. He's a great guy.

Too bad he's gay.

[lovingme]

The last line made me laugh Nicola ~ well not laugh but I smiled. They make some of the best friends!

[princess_nic]

I need some help here, friends.

I have been acting quite coldly towards H for a couple of reasons. Mainly, I can barely stand to talk to him b/c I just want to cry or scream at him.

The other reason is that I am sick of him "using" me to have nice little conversations while he's boinking someone else. I don't know if he's being nice b/c he's afraid I'll hang him out to dry in the D, or if he just likes to talk to me.

I know I've been posting a lot of negative stuff about him, and it is all true. BUT I just read a post of Snodderly's on MrsH's thread about how they will come out of MLC very different, all grown up. My H has a lot of growing up to do, and I don't know if I'll even like him when he's done. Right now, I can barely stand the guy.

Okay, so here's where I'm going with this. I feel like I'm losing my mind here. I'm trying to go as dark as possible so I don't lose it completely. But at the same time, I want to be friendly. I just feel like I'm being used. How can I be friends with him when he's got a gf? How could I even consider ever getting back together with him?

When I broke down a couple of weeks ago, I said some things that made me (and him) realize that I have NOT forgiven him, not by a long shot.

Guys, this D is going to happen, and I don't know what to do anymore. Please help.

(Going to church now, back later)

[a new 2moro]

Hey Nic...Im Here...im not a big gun....but I know what u r going thru , I struggle with it all the time. Have you followed Cinders thread at all?

If ya are having those feelings...i think dark is the way to go....til you calm down.....my D is gonna happen too and I have to facilitate it..even tho it is never what I wanted. He filed in Jan...took him 10 months to do that and take his ring off! he lives with 25 yr old OW and screams no money and I should help him with our debt...yeah riiiight.

Fill me in on your stitch sweets. here or email me!

[lovingme]

Hugs Nicola ~ I know how you feel and I wish I could give some concrete advice. I have tried being friends with h for the last year and a half even though he is living with someone else. It was extremely hard at some points and I think in the end it was detrimental to me. It made the process harder for me. It made me hang on to hope that he might still love me somewhere deep down inside. It made me think about how we could get along, joke, and laugh yet he doesn't want to be with me. It made me think of how things could be yet he wouldn't give me a chance.

Now I have decided it is time to not be so friendly. Truly he doesn't deserve my friendship. If I had a friend treat me the way he does I wouldn't put up with it or keep them as a friend so why do I h? I know I have to be civil with thim for the boys yet I will avoid him as much as possible and I will not be open for friendly chats anymore. He has hurt me and he doesn't deserve for me to act friendly and act like it doesn't hurt or bother me so that he can feel better about things.

Sorry for the ramble there but I have been thinking alot about this the last few days.

Much Love!

[NewJourney]

Nicola, I don't know the details of your situation, but here are some thoughts from me, the busybody, anyway,lol.

We all are on this board trying to save our marriages, but the thing you don't realize until you begin to reconcile, is that the old marriage is gone. My H and I might as well have gone through a D. IMO, it's best not to focus on what will happen to the marriage. Work on becoming a stronger you, and view your H not as your spouse, but as a flawed human being. This is where the OW have an advantage...they expect less, and give the men what they need. One thing my H has said to me is that I made him feel like I just needed him to complete the picture of husband and father; he wanted to feel like a special person and was hurting inside. He couldn't stand up to the pressure of marriage because it felt like a " thing" to him and he was getting lost. He had to build from the inside out, and come back to me in a mature way, to feel the joy of marriage rather than the confinement of it. He is still working on this...just as I am working on forgiving the past to create a new future.

Take care of yourself, let go of the marriage, and you may be able to see your H through different eyes, and with genuine love, beat OW ( if there is one, I will go back and read your story) at her own game.

[almosthopeful]

ai yi yi, nic.

I thought about your post for awhile, 'cause I wanted to give a thoughtful reply.

In the end, I'm going to paraphrase the 12 step literature: when I'm disturbed about anything, it is because I haven't accepted life as life is.

Acceptance and detachment, I think are the only two answers.
Too bad we can't just snap our fingers and be accepting and detached.

For me, I have a strong sense of justice, and it wouldn't seem "fair" to me that I am expected to be friendly to H while he is seeing OW. So in my case, I am not accepting that I can't control H. I'm also not accepting that my choices to be kind and civil are for ME, not for others or their reactions. I don't know if that made sense, but it seems applicable to your sitch in my screwy mind.

Yuck, I sound like a sermon. But, I believe it.

So, IOW, the choice to be kind is a choice for nicola to be her best self. It really doesn't have that much to do with H, and nothing to do with OW, I don't think.

So at least I gave you something to laugh at!

I'll bet you heard exactly what you needed to hear at church. That happens so often.

Hugs.
AH

[a new 2moro]

Ha AH...I call it an inate sense of fairness and loyal to a fault....I have the most trouble accepting I should be a friend whilst my H lives with an OW........aaarrrrggghhhhhhh.