Sadly, it's time to file

[MonicaP]

It's been a while...

I've been S for 17 mos. and DB'ing for 15 mos. My H told me one morning at breakfast that he wasn't happy, 2 days later I found out about Ow, 2 days after that we started MC, and 1 mos later I asked him to move out after finding a $300 cell phone bill to Ow.

It's been downhill from there. We started up MC again a couple months following our S "for the sake of co-parenting" only to discover the T was no good. Tried another one, but after 2 visits and H telling me he was only waiting for me to start working F/T before getting a D, I ended it. Personally I think the 2nd T just hit him too close for comfort and he bailed.

So, here I am, having marked my 7th wedding anniversary last Thursday with a good cry, and now looking ahead to next month (May 9th) when I plan to file. I think I will file for LS first and of course legal custody of S4.5, and then roll it over to the big D after the 6 mos. period. I still want to feel like I've taken every step.

I am sad, but I have no hope left of reconciliation. H continues his A w/ Ow, continues w/ his lies and Goth lifestyle, and continues to live in denial. He is in la la land.

I am still grieving the loss which is more like a death because the H I see today barely resembles the man I married. The hard part is that he is still in my life because of our S4.5. My S remains the most important person to me and I will do anything to ensure his well-being and adjustment. It's just so darn hard sometimes to speak fondly about his daddy, but I have to. What's worse is having to hear from S about shared time w/ Ow and just being able to nod, smile and maybe utter a "oh, that's nice". But I absolutely refuse to legitimize H & Ow R by stooping to their level.

So, I'm going next month to the self service center at the courthouse for the free legal assistance. They will help me fill out all of the papers and then I believe there's a site right there to file. It's scary and so, so sad...

Does anyone have any advice about when/if to tell H that I am filing?? My thought is to wait until I've filed and then tell him before the paperwork actually gets to him. I don't want to "ambush" him, afterall, we still have our S to share, but I also don't want him to run out and file first. I used to think I wanted him to have to do the dirty work, but I think it will serve me and S4.5 better if I file for all the custody stuff and LS the way I want it.

H has been consistent about his visits (Wed eve, Sun all day), but usually includes Ow on Sun. I have so much resentment toward H and Ow I can hardly stand it, but my T, family, friends and God are walking me through it. Oh, and I've discovered what an incredibly strong woman I am.

I think you'll be seeing more of me again as I go through the filing process. Quite honestly I am still in shock that I am even in this position. It blows my mind that the man I married is gone, our wonderful life together is a memory, and my S will never have his parents/family together. It brings tears to my eyes.

I guess the good news is that I am doing well in other ways - my self-esteem is up, I feel strong, single motherhood is getting easier (more routine), my job is one I really like, I got a good tax refund and I'm actually attracted to other men again.

I know it will be a while before my heart heals enough to even consider a new R, but I have hope that someday I'll reach that point.

In the meantime, I am grateful for the support I have found here.