I'm sure you already know this, but it bears saying (to myself at least). It is important to remember that your sexual desires are normal, that wanting/needing sexual satisfaction is a reasonable way to be. It is easy in cases like yours and nvrain's and mine to attempt to suppress those desires for the sake of "peace." But it rarely works. Those desires are still there, eating away at your unfulfilled soul. The minute you reason "I will just sacrifice myself for the good of this marriage", you are starting down the road to entitlement and gradual loss of respect for the M. This is where A's breed. There is a big difference between compromise and sacrifice. One usually leads to a healthy respect for each other, the second will kill an R if it is left untended.
JMHO of course
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Where is the line between sacrifice and compromise though? That will depend on the individuals in the R/M
I believe that one day the ML will come back into our M but I can just about guarantee it will still not be at the level I would like (maybe if I am really lucky 6-8 times a year, right now it is "0" times a year, so that would definitely be an improvement)
However, if I had to "sacrifice" the sex portion of our M totally for the rest of my life, in exchange for being happy and together, I am willing to accept that too. After all, there will come a time in everyone's life that sex will go to the wayside, and then what? I guess it all depends on how much your "desire" is going to overrule your committment to your M
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
It is easy in cases like yours and nvrain's and mine to attempt to suppress those desires for the sake of "peace." But it rarely works. Those desires are still there, eating away at your unfulfilled soul.
Not only that, but as humans it is a requirement for true emotional bonding between mates.
Even the bible discusses the sexual bond between a husband and wife.
nvrain- i have a situation that started similar to yours, except that my husband was pretty hot after me at first. we ran into some problems after a few years, as things didn't go quite right, and then he stopped trying. i was immature and couldn't articulate my feelings (from growing up where we didn't talk about that stuff) and he came from an abusive alcoholic family so never really understood what it was all about. my question to you-any of you-are there any issues like that in your spouse's past? when people grow up in abusive homes, they never learn what is normal or ok; they only know what they saw. just putting the question out there.
I think it is more crucial as a bonding phase when you are younger, I don't particularly feel it is the be-all to end-all though and I don't believe two people can't have a beautiful relationship just because they don't have sex.
Yes, my H and I are going through some rough times. But, the one thing that remains strong and true through all of this is we are the best of friends - that will NEVER change. Of course we are trying to work (compromise) on the ML part of our R (since it doesn't exist at all) but it is not the main focus of our R either. The main focus is the communication, how we feel, expressing our fears, wants, emotions etc. - that has also been sadly lacking in our R - as is in most faultered R's
Do I want to not have sex for the rest of my life - hell no!! Would I forfeit what I have now just to be able to have sex - absolutely not! I guess it just depends on where your priorites are and what is more important to you in a R
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
[ Of course I now realize that my conversational abilities weren't the best.)
I don't know that mine are either, and I feel that my anger and resentment get in the way. Plus, every time I talk to him about it things seem to be so tense and sometimes I feel like he hates me or hates that he can't,feels that I'm attacking him(I've tried to tell him I'm not) so I think he just takes it out on me that he can't. He tells me that I don't respect him and I don't know what i do to make him feel that way. Maybe in the last year or so I haven't but it's just that I'm tired and dont want to keep going in the cycle that we seem to be in. I always hear that you need to change yourself or look at yourself first. I know I have my faults too, but I do feel that I have gone over and above in the patience dept on this issue.
" You said you worry about "doing something you may regret." "
I battle with this every day and I do have the fear that if the right situation comes along, I will mess up. I'm not looking for anything but I am afraid that I'm getting weaker.
"That being said, you mentioned briefly the counseling. Could you go into more detail about it? You said it was initiated by his anger. How was his anger manifesting itself? How did he respond to the counseling? Did things get better for awhile then just slide back down, or did he resist it the whole time?"
counseling came because one night while I was shopping with a girlfriend from work(we were in charge of the christmas party for the office and had been going out shopping quite a bit for about 2 weeks) My cell phone battery ran out and he couldn't get in touch though I tried calling from a pay phone. He went into a rage when I got home and hit me. I left the next day and was out of the house for 2 weeks. Came back on the condition that we go to counseling- to this day I don't know why he hit me I imagine he thought I was with someone(male) or something though I have never given him reason to think that I would do anything like that. In the counseling they were looking into his past and working with him on that(he comes from a background of abuse - his father. His father besides beating mom, sisters and him a bit also had affairs on the mom. I think my H has the fear of this w/me that's why he freaks out. Over the years I have tried to reassure him that I have no intention of leaving, that he's the only one, that I respect and appreciate everything he does for me. Anyway, the counseling like I said came to a hault as we were getting to the relationship part. He made every excuse not to make it to the sessions although he liked the counselor. It did get better for a while(his treatment towards me)not the sex and then yes back downhill after.
"You say he "seems to listen and things start to get better and then nothing happens." How often do you bring up the subject of your dissatisfaction (to put it mildy) with the M? Could you give us general examples of how the conversations go?"
When we talk, it seems like he gets how I'm feeling and seems like he wants to try but then never does. I used to bring the subject up about every 3 or 4 mos or longer just when I felt lonely, frustrated and couldn't take it anymore. the conversations would go like: Honey, I'm feeling really lonely and you know we haven't had sex for a while, is something bothering you, what can I do to help? H: Nothing, I don't know why, I just don't feel like it or Oh, here we go again! or I'm tired & don't want to talk about this now. Stuff to that effect. sometimes I would ask what do you expect me to do?, Why did you marry me? I want to be desired. I have needs. Can't you initiate sometimes? I dont know you've probably said similar things too. Am I saying the wrong things or going about it the wrong way? those examples were basically from the past. Now I hardly ever bring it up. the last time was on our 15 yr anniversary. we had a big fight cause he did nothing for our anniversary and I told him how unhappy I was. He said things like maybe I was the wrong one for him and that he should never have gotten married because of his problem. We discussed divorce and kind of left it up in the air. we discusssed counseling and he did say he was willing to try. He's waiting for me to find a counselor, but hasn't asked about that since that day.I know you're going to tell me to make an appointment, but I'm feeling like I don't even want to right now, I will eventually because I know that if we end up together or divorced counseling will be the last effort.
"Then we have a really hard choice, one I sincerely hope you do not have to make."
This is kind of where I feel that I am right now. I do feel that I've lost respect for him and like he has killed the love I had for him, it's difficult to say I love you right now. He barely says it to me and I feel like I'm forcing myself when I say it to him. I just think that he's not putting any effort in trying to find solutions or taking any action. As long as I don't bring up the subject, things seem to go well, but I still feel like I'm dying.
the bible does also say in 1 Corinthians7:3-5 paraphrased: to fulfill our marital duties to each other. that our bodies belong to each other and not to deprive each other except by mutual consent and only for a time only to devote that time to prayer. Also to come together again so that we won't be tempted.
we are human and it is natural to have the desires and i'm not using this as an excuse or setting anyone up for failure but if our spouses don't get it It's pretty much a sin to hold sex from your spouse and eventually you will fall into some kind of sin if nothing changes.
In my last response to Chrome I did say that my H came from an abusive home and I think that's why I have so patient because I've always wanted him to know something different from what he came from and I took on the task of loving him unconditionally. I do agree that that kind of a past is probably the root of the problem but I can't seem to get through to him. Sometimes I feel like he's hiding things from me and that wall that he's got up for his protection seems too strong for me. I know God can get through but I don't know why it's not happening. I've been praying for years. I'm just tired and sometimes I think this is where God wants me to be because I have overcome a lot of things like fear of my H, of bringing this out in the open, of facing the fact that this situation has to change and it has brought out issues just in the last couple of days for me that I hadn't realized about myself till now. I have realized that in my childhood, though I have no complaints It was Great!, (I am one of 7 children) I felt like I was always competing for attention and to this day wanting my mother's approval of me, which has transferred(because of SSM)to my R with my H. seeking his approval and not feeling like I ever get it. I am learning to value myself and not what others views of me are. I feel so much stronger and confident. I guess we all have stuff from our childhood that affect us as adults but we have to face those obstacles and find the way to overcome. Now all I have to do is figure out how to get my H to do the same.
