[ Of course I now realize that my conversational abilities weren't the best.)
I don't know that mine are either, and I feel that my anger and resentment get in the way. Plus, every time I talk to him about it things seem to be so tense and sometimes I feel like he hates me or hates that he can't,feels that I'm attacking him(I've tried to tell him I'm not) so I think he just takes it out on me that he can't. He tells me that I don't respect him and I don't know what i do to make him feel that way. Maybe in the last year or so I haven't but it's just that I'm tired and dont want to keep going in the cycle that we seem to be in. I always hear that you need to change yourself or look at yourself first. I know I have my faults too, but I do feel that I have gone over and above in the patience dept on this issue.
" You said you worry about "doing something you may regret." "
I battle with this every day and I do have the fear that if the right situation comes along, I will mess up. I'm not looking for anything but I am afraid that I'm getting weaker.
"That being said, you mentioned briefly the counseling. Could you go into more detail about it? You said it was initiated by his anger. How was his anger manifesting itself? How did he respond to the counseling? Did things get better for awhile then just slide back down, or did he resist it the whole time?"
counseling came because one night while I was shopping with a girlfriend from work(we were in charge of the christmas party for the office and had been going out shopping quite a bit for about 2 weeks) My cell phone battery ran out and he couldn't get in touch though I tried calling from a pay phone. He went into a rage when I got home and hit me. I left the next day and was out of the house for 2 weeks. Came back on the condition that we go to counseling- to this day I don't know why he hit me I imagine he thought I was with someone(male) or something though I have never given him reason to think that I would do anything like that. In the counseling they were looking into his past and working with him on that(he comes from a background of abuse - his father. His father besides beating mom, sisters and him a bit also had affairs on the mom. I think my H has the fear of this w/me that's why he freaks out. Over the years I have tried to reassure him that I have no intention of leaving, that he's the only one, that I respect and appreciate everything he does for me. Anyway, the counseling like I said came to a hault as we were getting to the relationship part. He made every excuse not to make it to the sessions although he liked the counselor. It did get better for a while(his treatment towards me)not the sex and then yes back downhill after.
"You say he "seems to listen and things start to get better and then nothing happens." How often do you bring up the subject of your dissatisfaction (to put it mildy) with the M? Could you give us general examples of how the conversations go?"
When we talk, it seems like he gets how I'm feeling and seems like he wants to try but then never does. I used to bring the subject up about every 3 or 4 mos or longer just when I felt lonely, frustrated and couldn't take it anymore. the conversations would go like: Honey, I'm feeling really lonely and you know we haven't had sex for a while, is something bothering you, what can I do to help? H: Nothing, I don't know why, I just don't feel like it or Oh, here we go again! or I'm tired & don't want to talk about this now. Stuff to that effect. sometimes I would ask what do you expect me to do?, Why did you marry me? I want to be desired. I have needs. Can't you initiate sometimes? I dont know you've probably said similar things too. Am I saying the wrong things or going about it the wrong way? those examples were basically from the past. Now I hardly ever bring it up. the last time was on our 15 yr anniversary. we had a big fight cause he did nothing for our anniversary and I told him how unhappy I was. He said things like maybe I was the wrong one for him and that he should never have gotten married because of his problem. We discussed divorce and kind of left it up in the air. we discusssed counseling and he did say he was willing to try. He's waiting for me to find a counselor, but hasn't asked about that since that day.I know you're going to tell me to make an appointment, but I'm feeling like I don't even want to right now, I will eventually because I know that if we end up together or divorced counseling will be the last effort.
"Then we have a really hard choice, one I sincerely hope you do not have to make."
This is kind of where I feel that I am right now. I do feel that I've lost respect for him and like he has killed the love I had for him, it's difficult to say I love you right now. He barely says it to me and I feel like I'm forcing myself when I say it to him. I just think that he's not putting any effort in trying to find solutions or taking any action. As long as I don't bring up the subject, things seem to go well, but I still feel like I'm dying.
