Those are VERY good points you make. I guess I didn't realize how much communication tends to wane in all SSM's (i.e. mine wasn't unusual).
And you are right that there is a lot of really negative non-verbal communication that happens in my M. I have pointed out that my W will never physically comfort me for example when I am sad or injured.
Of course my thoughts also tend to drift toward what negative non-verbal communication am I giving off. I know I have a horrible poker face, wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm sure my unhappiness oozes out often. Are you the same way?
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
You mention communication and how that could help you marriage. This is true, it definitely helps. But you also have to realize that communication is a FEMALE need, it is not a need of most men. So when you say that the FIRST thing that you and your husband should do is COMMUNICATE, what you are saying is that the first thing you should do is meet YOUR need of communication. Commuication is going to do very little in filling HIS love bank, it will definitely fill yours. And what is he going to tell you that you already don't know? You know that he wants your desire, what more would he communicate?
I guess i should preface that i am not having a good day...but in response to this. If it is all about sex to have a good marriage...then screw it. I disagree completely with you. Communication is not a FEMALE need only. It is a marital need. If all the H needs is sex...well then go get it somewhere. Because to me....sex or L can be mutually satisying when each other feels mutually respected and cared for. To say he will feel loved by me having S is pretty sad. a love language may be physical touch but it can't be the only way to improve our marriage in the state that it is.
You mention communication and how that could help you marriage. This is true, it definitely helps. But you also have to realize that communication is a FEMALE need, it is not a need of most men. So when you say that the FIRST thing that you and your husband should do is COMMUNICATE, what you are saying is that the first thing you should do is meet YOUR need of communication. Commuication is going to do very little in filling HIS love bank, it will definitely fill yours. And what is he going to tell you that you already don't know? You know that he wants your desire, what more would he communicate?
I guess i should preface that i am not having a good day...but in response to this. If it is all about sex to have a good marriage...then screw it. I disagree completely with you. Communication is not a FEMALE need only. It is a marital need. If all the H needs is sex...well then go get it somewhere. Because to me....sex or L can be mutually satisying when each other feels mutually respected and cared for. To say he will feel loved by me having S is pretty sad. a love language may be physical touch but it can't be the only way to improve our marriage in the state that it is.
Having sex won't convince him, all by itself, that you love him. But consistently refusing to have sex for an extended period of time with no medical cause will go a long way to convince someone that you don't love him. Obviously, there are other things that need to happen, and things that need to generally not happen, to establish a feeling of being emotionally connected.
(by the way, if communication was only a FEMALE need, why are there so many males on this board, including the one that claimed that the very thing he was doing on this board was only a need of females?)
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Having sex won't convince him, all by itself, that you love him. But consistently refusing to have sex for an extended period of time with no medical cause will go a long way to convince someone that you don't love him. Obviously, there are other things that need to happen, and things that need to generally not happen, to establish a feeling of being emotionally connected.
(by the way, if communication was only a FEMALE need, why are there so many males on this board, including the one that claimed that the very thing he was doing on this board was only a need of females?) [/quote]
Thank you..i needed to hear that. This board has been helpful..but when you ahve a low day with the spouse and you read some of the negative posts...well it just makes you feel worse and angry. Good point about all the males communicating on this board. I guess they are addressing their feminine side.
As for me..just a bad day or week really. I am going to start the 5LL this week since my H is out of town...then when he gets back I can suggest he read it so we can take the quiz. It will be a non threatening thing since I will have already read it and the purpose will be to quiz each other and see how we do.
Go to "His Needs/Her Needs" and look at the top five womens needs and the top five mens needs. Commuication plays a big role in female needs, but the top 5 male needs more or less don't really needs much communication at all. This is why I say that communication is much more a female need then male. Not that it is not important to the marriage, its just that for men, it really is not big in terms of their top five needs.
Heck the top three male needs were Complete Sexual Fulfillment, Physical Attractiveness, and Recreational Companion. These are highly physical, commuication is not to important in these needs.
To say he will feel loved by me having S is pretty sad.
I am saying exactly that. Read Michelle's books. Read just about ANY marriage self help book and they will tell you the same thing, in marriage, for men, it pretty much is all about sex. Please read "His Needs/Her Needs", it will help you to understand your man a little more.
the top three male needs were Complete Sexual Fulfillment, Physical Attractiveness, and Recreational Companion
(1) who doesn't consider attractiveness? (which doesn't necessarily mean she's a model or the guy is a body builder - all it means is that particular person is attracted to a certain type - aren't we all?)
(2) recreational companion - I would have to agree and would say this was probably in the top 3 for my H
(3) complete sexual fulfillment as #1 - sorry, I don't buy it. Maybe if they interviewed a bunch of 20 year olds, sure. But I can bet this probably comes close to the bottom of the top 10 for my H
And, believe it or not (and my H actually tells people this) the main thing that he was attracted to about me was what is between my ears. I know it might sound corny but intelligence is his "turn on" not sexual fulfillment
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
To say he will feel loved by me having S is pretty sad.
in marriage, for men, it pretty much is all about sex. Please read "His Needs/Her Needs", it will help you to understand your man a little more.
Meaningless, lay there so i can get off, satisfy my need sex is not what marriage is or should be. I am a HD woman....but if there are problems then s is not the answer. It can only build resentment in the woman to feel empty and a gratification tool so to speak.
cemar, you and I have very different viewpoints. As for interpretations of books...I think we are different as well.
Harely very clearly mentions in 5LL that these 5 major needs of men and women do not exist in a vacuum. You can't just pull out one or the other and say "this is the key." Yes, for many men, sex is the most important thing. But for many women, communication may be the most important thing. What is the difference between a woman denying a max sex and a man denying such a woman communication? And consider how one can lead to the other.
And wasn't it you just a few posts ago that went on about non-verbal communication? I could see that playing a HUGE role in sex, recreational companionship, and attractiveness.
Can you see how you are putting off a major anti-communication vibe that is frankly turning-off several women here? Could it be that the same thing is happening in your home? Could it be that this anti-communication vibe you give off at home is what has resulted in your wive not fulfilling your sex needs?
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
