W at Home, Yet Sleeps Elsewhere

[Concerned_Listener]

I continue to be amazed at your ability to pull a positive outlook from what looks just flat-out disrespectful and mean on her part.

I do think you need more boundaries in place that demand respect, but I honestly don't know what you can do with a, really at the core, disrespectful W.

Only YOU can decide when you are ready to draw the line in the sand of Come With Me, or Don't.

Your W infuriates me (as do most WAS) and I am biased toward all of us getting what we deserve in a committed M. So I tend to get a little uppity and irritated.

Believing,
Welcome to my thread. It's been a tough day for me. I haven't DB very well, and have been irritable with my W. It's hard to stay on track daily. I think I've needed the time to process the various comments and support I've been receiving.

I'm not sure I have a positive outlook on my M--perhaps a realistic one. At this time my W has clearly left the M. I've been demoted to friend and roommate status.

If there were a boundary I could set that would change things for the better, I would do it. I'm not sure the focus should be on controlling her sleeping elsewhere behavior. She would feel captive and unhappy in the home. What's needed is a change in perspective, that her social life doesn't have all the answers, and her M has positives worth holding onto.

I understand yours and others anger towards my W. I'm so focused on DB, that I don't realize how disrespectful she is. However, if my focus becomes how poorly she is treating me, and how do I set limits with it, I stop practicing the essential skills of DB--detachment, acceptance, maintaining positive connections. I thought the purpose of practicing detachment was to no longer be affected by the other person's behavior?

I'm not ready to charge into an ultimatum. That would make this an adverserial situation. If D is the direction we end up going, than I want it to be a mutual process, where both parties get as many of their needs met as possible. She gets her single life; I get to keep a lifestyle that I want.

CL