Need another opinion, is my W OM, friend or more?

[andyv]

I would like another opinion from anyone regarding my W OM.

She has been seeing him for 5 months, and he is 10 years her junior. She is 36 he is 25. He used to coach her kick boxing class, and he had a girlfriend (W friend).

I think the he is single now, and my W has stated that she likes him and finds him attractive, however she does not know how he feels about her, but she hasn't ruled out the possibilty of a relationship. Her cousin has told me that he is not interested in my W, only as a friend???? But W is good friends with him and sees him nearly everday, or txt's him via mobile phone several times a day. Can a man in his mid 20's have a friendship with a female with daughter, going through a separation, and 10 years his senior.

They go to party's together, clubbing and movies. I think she pays for him when they do go out.

The other day, she told me she was going to the movies with my 7 y/o daughter, and her girlfriend, but I later found out from my 7 y/o that she took the OM. She told my daughter not to say anything and told him he was her friend. My DD said they talked, watched the movie and went thier separate ways afterwards.

I don't want to sound like a chump, but I really want to believe what my W is telling me. She is going through a MLC (all the symptoms) and has started this relationship with OM whilst I have been away with work.

When I got back she told me that I was not there emotionally for her and that she wanted to separate (after 17 years together, married 13). She told me she did not love me but still cared for me and wanted closure. She back dated the separation to November (last physical contact) and saw a divorce lawyer while I was away with work in Dec/Jan, returning Feb.

When I got back, I did all the wrong things, spied, cried, yelled, got angry, etc etc, and she told me that I was pushing her towards another relationship.

I am very confused. over the last 3 weeks I have read both Divorce Buster and Remedy and have started doing the steps, and she has been more pleasant towards me, and is starting to tell me her movements, however she is still seeing this OM. And she also goes out nearly every night, weekends she may stay out till 4-5 am.

I have stopped everything regarding the questions etc and have been a perfect Husband and Father, spending every minute catching up with DD for the time spent away, doing more things to help W around the house, taking up my own activities and going out socially with my friends, trying to get my confidence back and look like my life is still going on without her.

What the heck, please can anyone help with any advice.

[Aud31]

"I don't want to sound like a chump, but I really want to believe what my W is telling me."

You're not a chump hon, I've done the exact same thing for years.

It's a hard thing to accept your spouse is being unfaithful (oh-my-gosh is that an understatement), but it's likely something you have to accept, because whether PA or EA, she is most definitely not behaving as a faithful spouse.

It sounds like you have the tools and are already working on what you're doing. Keep working on YOU--the confidence is key.

Good luck. You're on the right track. We're here for you.

[Heartbroken]

Another great book is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass...

[Concerned_Listener]

Andy,
It looks like your W is having an emotional affair with this man (EA). What's different about your situation is that you know who it is, and your W has openly discussed it with you. She rationalizes it as just friends. I'm not sure if any of her behavior is secretive, or she is open about her whereabouts. The more open it is, the less energy in the EA.

I think the jury's still out regarding whether this is a MLC vs. WAS. A MLC implies that the EA is mainly about her issues, and she has to discover what she has to do cultivate happiness for herself. The M makes needed changes to support her finding happiness. If she's a WAS, then you've neglected to hear what she's asked you to change. She says that you haven't been there emotionally for her. Any idea what that means?

DR and DB provide an excellent foundation for developing a strategy for coping with marital problems. I've read that longer-term marriages have a better chance of surviving an A than new ones. There is more to lose if you D.

The key skills to learn when DB are acceptance, detachment, not pursuing, connecting with her only when you can be present and positive, GAL, and transforming distressing thoughts/feelings that reflect a move from pain to power. You want to get yourself to a point so that you can make decisions and cope with difficulties in the R from a position of strength and power, while maintaining connection and compassion. She needs to see that you aren't crumbling from this, and that you will do what you need to do, with grace, confidence, and dignity.


CL

[andyv]

Thx Aud31,

I found out last night talking to her cousin (not prying, just a pleasant chat), that this OM is not interested in having a relationship with my W, but loves her as a friend. He has a similar relationship with a few other Females.

I suppose this counts for something, if it is true.

Also she was suppose to sleep over her friends place last night, after a night out. I woke up this morning and saw her car in our driveway. She is still sleeping now. I feel so much better today.

I shall keep doing the steps and working on myself like you said, thanks for your advice.

[andyv]

Thanks CL, really good advice.

I am going to start putting in place things to make her realise that although we are separated and living in diff rooms, that she is on her own now.

I will still cover all our family's living expenses, etc, but will now give her an allowance to manage herself (for entertainment, clothes etc). Rather than giving her a constant stream of funds to splurge.

I have been an easy target in regards to buying what she want's, full time babysitter for our D, running errands for her etc, just to make a good impression.

I will stop all this and just do what is required by myself as a separated partner in regards to the wellbeing of the whole family, not just her.

Andyv

[andyv]

I let the W sleep in yesterday morning, after her night out. And went out to catch up with friends around noon. I got back at around 7 pm, and W was out with D.

She got home at around 9.15, and sat up with me watching TV (although she was tired) until around 10:30 pm (normally she would just go to bed and talk to her OM/EA.

It was a nice change to sit in the same room and have some conversation (regarding the show, nothing else).

I still feel so concerenced that this EA will turn into something more serious. Her sister tells me that she does not have it in her to start something sexual.

I have been her only partner (since we met young and have been together for 17 years). And I know, although she looks amazing, she still is self conscious of her body (after effects of childbirth eg stretch lines etc).

And her cousin who has always been honest to me, has said that whatever her intentions with this OM, he is not interested in starting something with someone 10 years his senior (he is 27). Although he is a wonderful and sensitive person, he has many female friends that confide in him. She thinks he actually might be gay, as when they do go out, he is never interested in meeting women.

After confiding in me about a week ago about this OM, and that she finds him attractive and is not ruling out a possibility of a relationship, she is seeing him more and talking to him more now, because I have accepted it and told her that I will not ask her about him again, and thanking her for her honesty. Four months ago, if she told me I would have gone mental, but after reading various books and speaking to a counsellor at work I find that I do not get angry as I used to.


Was that the right thing to do??????? Considering she sees more of him socially now than before?

I think the steps are working, I just hope the 180 part of it does'nt make my W think that I have given up. The main reason for the OM and the separation (with D day in 6 months) was that between Oct to Feb, I was not there emotionally for her due to work committments, death of BIL (my sisters husband) and stress/depression from a heavy workload/travel for work.

We argued in Dec when I went away for a week, and I didn't call her for the whole week out of anger. She told me she was devastated and she cried every day, thinking that I was having an affair. She thought that I did not find her sexually attractive, or attractive due to no instigating sex since Oct. She told me that she has been a single mother for most of our married life due to not beeing there (which is not true, she only brings up certain events that I could not attend etc).

I have conceded that I was at fault and told her that back in Feb/March, and did all the wrong things trying to win her back. She has threatended to walk out and take D when I have confronted her about her late nights and OM. This was through Feb-mid March. She told me that she cares for me but she is not in love with me. She does not want to start a relationship with me or anyone else, she just wants her freedom. She told me that she does not find anything attractive or appealing about me anymore.

The last 17 years she could not keep her hands off me, writing beautiful cards stating how lucky she was, how in love she was. Getting jealous when cashiers would flirt with me whilst shopping, when her friends would engage in longer than normal conversations when we were at party's etc etc.

How could this all change in 5 months? Can it be reversed?

Since end March, after employing the DB and DR techniques, things are more pleasant between us, however I still think she doesn't really care about my movements (doing the 180), and she is still very happy with her own lifestyle with her OM and new friends, activities etc (kick boxing (OM was her instructor), rock climbing. All her friends are in their 20's and enjoy going out (she is 36, but looks in her 20's).

Does anyone else have a similar story, with a good outcome. It would be nice to hear.

Thanks

[andyv]

My W has been more pleasant around me now that I have completely backed off and do not ask her about this OM/EA.

However she has not called me in two days (D and I are on school holidays and are spending the days going out, Museum, beach etc). She will normally ring during the day to ask how things were.

We saw her for 5 mins yesterday after she got home from work at 6.30 pm and left to go rock climbing at 6:45 pm (10 min getting ready in her room). Then she got home after 11 pm as D and I were in bed. It hurst to know this OM/EA does rock climbing with her, and the thought that she goes to his place afterwards would not suprise me. Although her cousin say's that OM is not interested in a relationship with W (due to age gap He 27 she 36, child etc it still doesn't sit right that they spend so much time together talking on phone, txt messaging and hanging out (although W says that they are usually in a group environment).

I just feel it is a matter of time before things may progress into a sexual relationship, surely with all the time they are spending he should come around to her wishes (she told me that she finds him attractive, great personality and does not rule out a relationship in the future, however she does not know how he feels about her). I have to trust her on this, as this is the only thing keeping me going (although she has lied in the past, small white ones).

But if she wanted to get rid of me for good, she knows that she only has to tell me its serious with OM and I would be the person to move on, and cut her out of my life completely. She told me she still want's to go ahead with a divorce after our separation, and she is not after a relationship with anyone at the moment, just want's to be free).

She left early this morning for work, whilst we were sleeping.

Can anyone make sense of the above, any advice would be appreciated.

[runningoutoftime]

I like that you're pulling in the purse strings. I think that's wise and I think it will help her understand what she is giving up if she continues with this. Financial security and her family should be a concern.... Also, I don't think you should be funding OMs and your Ws excursions.

The reason your wife doesn't tell you it's serious with OM is she's probably afraid. Although she may not want you, she doesn't want to lose your support at this time.

I hate to say this, and I don't personally know your wife so I could always be wrong and this is purely a guess... but from what you've described and what I've observed about affairs.... my guess is your wife's affair is probably physical and it's probably more serious than you realize.

I understand she's giving you information and some "honesty" but typically cheaters lie (really well!) and I wouldn't be surprised if she's hiding much more than she's sharing...

Keep in mind, this is just my guess...

My suggestion is to emotionally detach, focus more on yourself and your kids, find a good support system and work on YOU.

[andyv]

Thanks runningoutoftime,

Brutal but honest opinion. I hope you are wrong, I know it does look like she may be having a SR with OM, but I just have to think otherwise, for my sanity.

I just can't see her doing anything, she is so shy and self conscious of her body (after child birth, stretch marks etc). She looks wonderful, but this guy is built like Jean Claude Van Dam and could have any female he wanted. The fact that he doesn't and did not have a girlfriend when she started in October 06 (kickboxing), and my W's cousin has been out on group outings with OM and the Kickboxing/Rockclimbing crowd, she says that he is not interested, and she has never seen him chat up chicks etc. i'm hoping he is gay and all these women are EA's.

Also on occasion when she has met up with him or attended a friends house with him there, she has not made herself up like she did when we were dating????? Or when she goes out clubbing.

Who knows..............