You paragraph about wishing there had been more faith and religion in your home caught my eye. I was raised in a truly Christian home, my parent were married for 53 years before my mom died. For the first 18 years or so, H and I had the same relationship, based on attending church, worshipping and praying regularly. My children were also raised in this kind of home. About 5 years ago, H suddenly stopped going to church. This is when all the changes in him suddenly started to take place. He became a different person, a person that I didn't know. Look at Bob and Charlene from Rejoice Ministries. He was a true Christian, and he too be came a prodigal. I have read both of his books, and they have amazing insight into what happens to make people react that way.
I guess what I am saying is that stronger faith and religion may not have changed anything in your H's sitch. I am stil going over in my mind trying to figure out if H stopped going to church because he started MLC, or if he started MLC because he stopped going to church. I guess it really doesn't matter because what is done is done but it is still puzzling to me. My H had the guidposts and they have not helped him one bit, because he has pushed them into the darkness with everything else from our lives.
I think all of us on the bb play the what if game. What if I had done ths and what if I hadn't done that, but in the end, the choice was really up to the WAS and not those of us left behind. Like my H said "It is me, not you."
Just my feelings.
Creed, sorry to hi-jack your thread to talk to NLF.
Thank you for the comment. Yes, that chicken/egg thing about MLC/Church is unanswerable. You are right. Being a LBS makes it easy to play the "what if" game. Thanks for the clarity about your xh and faith...it didn't help him and mine could have had the same response. I needed to hear that.
NLF
You must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. ---Leonardo da Vinci
Well, the day has come and gone, and I'm still standing. Truth be told, work kept my mind busy most of the day, but I certainly didn't have any hour of the day that I didn't think about what today memorialized.
More than 33years of a relationship with one person..good and bad. Two kids, a home, memories shared and made. Horrible times of pain and suffering, and memories of times that were very special.
It all boiled down to the two of us signing a piece of paper (much like we did a marriage license 30 years ago)..and voila..legally, we are no longer man and wife. The home is gone, the kids are out on their own (mostly), xh has lived with OW for 2 years now. She is the age of our oldest son basically, and works with xh. I guess that is why they have 'more in common' than he and I ever did (in his mind anyway). Myself..I have no desire to fall into a relationship. I wish I had a companion to share my life with, but I'm not up to feeling completely vulnerable to someone again. That part of me was beaten to death and buried some time ago. Whether it will resurrect at some point, who knows.
It's not so much the fear of trusting someone again, as it is the fear of being able to trust my OWN judgement about people. I realize now how naive I was about the relationship I had with xh. I was so trusting and so bent on trying to make him happy and get his approval, I forgot to look long and hard at what I wasn't getting enough of in the relationship. That I had every reason to want to feel secure without having to tiptoe so damn much.
I know I've gotten stronger in a lot of ways, and I somewhat like this independent living that I'm experiencing right now. I can belch and fart when I feel like it, and not say pardon me to anyone..because I'm by myself (snicker) But I'm not kidding myself. I miss , with all my heart, the relationship I thought I was in with my H. I miss the stupid little things that made us 'us'. I miss seeing our kids' face with no pain etched in..or them treading lightly not to mention their dad and Twinkie around me. I miss someone in my bed with me..all the snoring and leg jerking included. I miss the arm draped my waist as sleep crawled up around us. I miss talking with someone that had known me for more than half of my life. And there is a very strange part of me that ALMOST misses my now x-inlaws a tiny bit.
I don't know if I'd call what I'm feeling part of standing. I guess what I think I'm doing is not giving up on miracles. I know it would take nothing less than that for xh to change in any way. And I know there is a real chance that he was never whom I thought he was from the beginning. I had 'feelings' throughout our marriage..gut feelings. I don't know that he ever was the person I had thought he was. Could be I was just trying to re-invent someone. I do know that I saw good in him..or I wouldn't have loved him in the first place. But this is the first time that I can genuinely say I do not like him..at all. I'm not proud of who he is now. And, again, this is the first time that I know I really mean that.
I love him..but I don't like him. And I think you need to have both to have a healthy relationship. Must be what he has felt about me for quite awhile now.
I still do, and always will have him in my prayers. I will still pray that his dishonesty and cheating will bring him to rock bottom so that he'll call out to God for help. Realize that he's not able to deal with life without a solid relationship with Him. And I hope that somewhere along the way, he looks back..and I hope he sees me smiling back at him.
Some people say that WAS have to have the divorce to realize if that is what they really wanted. My xh now has the divorce. Who knows if he'll feel differently in the months/years ahead or not. I do know that he walked away from alot. I can only hope that while he's walking the other direction, he goes with memories that will never leave him...or leave him alone. I hope his daytime and his slumber are filled with thoughts and memories of his past that included what our life was about. The positive and loving things.
Never say never.
I know I will never be alone..because my belief and faith have gotten me through these horrendous years since bomb. And even though today marked the end of my (legal) marriage, I strangely feel that not much has changed. I don't feel alone..even now. Thank God for that.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I just wanted to stop by and give you a virtual hug. I am sorry that it all came to a d. I am sure your xh is just as sad and I am sure he is confused that he is not as happy as he thought he would be. He will hit rock bottom eventually. In the meantime your life will flourish. Take it one day at a time. God has a plan.
I know I will never be alone..because my belief and faith have gotten me through these horrendous years since bomb. And even though today marked the end of my (legal) marriage, I strangely feel that not much has changed. I don't feel alone..even now. Thank God for that.
You are beautiful, with farting and burping included.
I too am facing a D. and I hope to have as much grace as you when the time does come.
Creed, continue walking with your face towards the sun, sweet one.
God is on your side.
HUGS
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
You survived the "unluckiest day of your xh life)) It is a testament to you that you can still pray for him and that you want him to remember your smiling face.
Enjoy your newfound indepence. Walk on.
NLF
You must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. ---Leonardo da Vinci
So much of that post touched me, I almost copied it all. But in particular, I was touched by the parts about the children having to tiptoe around. Oh, I would like to go back to those days too.
I hope you will keep posting creed, your brand of acceptance is inspiring.
Hi Creed, just wanted to send you a hug too. I was m over 30yrs and tog for over 40 and I do know how you are feeling. I am now 3years on from you, still single altho my x remarried his OW. He just forgot to mention it to me or his kids we all found out via gossip! His kids called him on it he replied it was just for tax reasons!. It gets easier and the being alone gets easier but you wrote so much of what I feel. If I live to be 100 I will never understand what happened maybe I just didn't know him at all. I wish you peace in your heart and joy and contentment for the rest of your journey.
s24 has asked to move back in with me temporarily. He was not ready maturity or financially when his dad made a stink about him during the divorce..so a big financial mess ensued with son trying to make it on his own. I've set strict rules, and hopefully he'll be able to stand on his own two feet sooner than later. It will be nice having someone here, but this apartment is not a house..and his presence will take some getting use to after more than 6 months of living completely alone.
S did tell me that his dad has joined a volleyball team at a local bar. Hmmmmm. I wonder what the age range for the team members..if maybe husband is a little long in the tooth compared to the others. He'll be 51, which I know isn't old-old..but still. Not my business I know, I just can't seem to get around the idea that this person that did nothing like this all those years, is NOW doing them.
I'm not kidding myself. Its going to be hard having s living here , and having to hear these tidbits about his dad.
Oh well...I've gone through worse, as have all of us. I'll just have to learn to bite my tongue when I feel a burning desire to come out with a less than complimentary commentary .
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
It is good to hear from you. Maybe it will be nice to have your s around. Just look at the benefits and let the smaller things go. I know how it is. My 25 year old neice lives with me and it can be difficult but I try to let some things go because there are a lot of positives to her living with me.
I am glad you updated. I hope you keep in touch a little more often. You are missed on the board.
