As always, 1210, thanks for your in-my-face advice and insights. I will talk with my IC about the things you all have brought up about me. I just don't see most of it, I guess. I do see the problems in our M and know that they started long ago but don't feel like it was because of me being controlling, but maybe I'm wrong...
Yes, it is my fear of failure right now that is driving me so hard, my sheer beliefs in love and doing what it takes to make it work out. I am not able to feel an undying love for H quite yet; we've been through a lot, and that is going to take time. I'm willing to wait for it.
Don't know about the business yet. I feel like by continuing as we are and pretending that nothing has changed that I am enabling him to continue his behaviors. He has no reason to change. And I just don't think my heart wants to continue in business with him if we are not together. It hurts too much. You know how much I am falling apart inside right now. I have no desire to stand by his side in business while he has a R with someone else. I feel like I would never be able to get all of this behind me. At any rate, we'll just keep playing that one by ear as it comes along.
I just went to the store and bought some paper and a new copier for my home office. Those were the things I thought I might need at home that I don't have. So, I'm still plugging away at this whole move thing.
H called this morning to ask me a business question. When he calls in the morning, he usually says something like "good morning. how are you today?" He is so nice and pleasant, and it just tears me apart... I'm going to the job site now to keep working on my plants. He is there as well, so we'll see how today goes.
We were invited to a party some friends of ours are having tonight. I asked H if he was going, and he said he didn't know yet. So, we'll see. I am planning on going regardless of whether he goes or not. It will be nice to be around my friends and to get out for a while.
Tomorrow H has his first race of the season. He hasn't said anything to me about going. I suspect he may mention it either tonight or tomorrow, but maybe not. I'm not planning on going. His mom may call me, as she and I usually go together to watch him. So, don't know how I'm going to handle that quite yet. I know I shouldn't go, so no 2X4's are necessary...
Well, gotta run but just wanted to check in. Thanks again for your support and perspectives. I hope that I'll be able to "see" what you are telling me I need to change soon...
