Have that feeling in the pit of my stomach again... It's hard to get up and get going in the morning. I just want to pull the covers up over my head and wish this would all go away. Am feeling that urge to talk to H and get reassurances again, just to make the pain go away for a while. But, then I know it just comes back again and it's a vicious cycle, so I must control those emotions and just keep plugging away.
Thanks, Lin, for writing and for sticking with me still for now. Your advice, insight, and encouragement do mean the world to me.
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Also...wanted to comment on that part where you said H was considering another investment for you both and until it came down to it you would not rock the boat...
I will take this one step at a time. When/if something concrete comes up before a reconciliation, I will deal with it then based on the current circumstances at that time. I don't want to push him away and give him the wrong impression, but I do not feel like it's wise to keep enabling HIM to have the best of both worlds.
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You said you weren't clingy before, you weren't needy before...the thing is you WERE...you just had CONTROL and you manipulated and molded H into what you wanted....he then became unhappy with who he is and this is where you are...so you have to admit to yourself that there was a problem WAY BEFORE November....and you have to SEE it....that is your job/goal...and this is the key to the WHOLE ENCHILADA!
Lin, I honestly DON'T see this right now, that I was clingy and needy in our M. I have always viewed myself as very independent. I don't feel like I manipulated him into someone he didn't want to be at all. We got here mainly because of the lack of romance and ML in our M and also because I have become more "tight-laced" in my old age... I DO see those things and have been working hard on those things. But I honestly don't see the neediness/clinginess in our M before this happened. I will continue to think about this, but I just don't see it.
If you or anyone has any ideas about what else I am supposed to be "seeing" and working on about myself, I would certainly welcome your thoughts.
Aud, I do understand about having hope in myself and in becoming a better person rather than in having hope in H's words. Right now, I don't have a PMA about myself. I still feel that lost and scared feeling, trying to find my way. H has told me before that he didn't want to be married anymore, and he could very well tell me that again. But, for now, he has not, and if I can pull any sort of positives out of what he is telling me and use that to continue on with this journey, that helps. As I said, until I'm forced/told that he has changed his mind, it helps to look at the M glass as half full right now, even though his actions are not supporting his words.
So, for Monday, since things have changed a bit as far as H now saying he does want to work on our M, I'm not sure what I'm going to say regarding my move. I want to sound empowered, yet not cold. This is so incredibly hard for me to do, and I just want to do it the right way if I'm going to do it.
Okay. Gotta run and get on with my day before I start wallowing in sadness... Thanks again, everyone.
