Andy, It looks like your W is having an emotional affair with this man (EA). What's different about your situation is that you know who it is, and your W has openly discussed it with you. She rationalizes it as just friends. I'm not sure if any of her behavior is secretive, or she is open about her whereabouts. The more open it is, the less energy in the EA.
I think the jury's still out regarding whether this is a MLC vs. WAS. A MLC implies that the EA is mainly about her issues, and she has to discover what she has to do cultivate happiness for herself. The M makes needed changes to support her finding happiness. If she's a WAS, then you've neglected to hear what she's asked you to change. She says that you haven't been there emotionally for her. Any idea what that means?
DR and DB provide an excellent foundation for developing a strategy for coping with marital problems. I've read that longer-term marriages have a better chance of surviving an A than new ones. There is more to lose if you D.
The key skills to learn when DB are acceptance, detachment, not pursuing, connecting with her only when you can be present and positive, GAL, and transforming distressing thoughts/feelings that reflect a move from pain to power. You want to get yourself to a point so that you can make decisions and cope with difficulties in the R from a position of strength and power, while maintaining connection and compassion. She needs to see that you aren't crumbling from this, and that you will do what you need to do, with grace, confidence, and dignity.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
