Happy Together at Long Last!!!

[Jen_Jam]

One weird thing - I've been having nightmares about Bestival (where we are going in Sept, see previous post).

I wored it out that so far I have been there twice, once 2 days after H walked out and the second time when he had only just recomitted. In these nightmares I feel lost and alone in a big crowd of people, and that's exactly how I felt both times at Bestival.

I was worried for a bit, then realised it's because it's only been a couple of weeks since I've felt truly "there" in my M. I've only just started to feel that we have the ingrdients for a happy M. I am still a little fearful that another bomb could come from nowhere, but that fear is getting less and less.
In recent weeks I've been introduing back some "old me" things, like budgeting and healthy eating. Of course I am scared that these could cause problems. But the way I am going about these things now is not the old way, it's more flexible and less staunch. H is agreeing with me on them so far, I have said if he doesn't like something he has to say, and I make sure I check things with him now rather than bulldozering him and telling him that's the way things are and he has to like it. I am putting over to him that I have ideas but I am more than happy to negotiate if there are things he's not so keen on. So far so good, wait and watch.

So I suppose I'm just taking the first steps into that happy future, I know I have it now, my worry is maintaining it. I'm not sure I'll ever get to a point I can fully sit back and relax, but I'd love to get to a point where I only have to worry about my M say once a month, rather than every day. I don't mean not be considerate etc, I mean I'd like the DB'ing to be more automatic for me, then say do a monthly review with myself and ask myself if there was anything I'd done/said over the past month which could have come over as bad, ask myself if H had done more compromising than me, just a health check really. I don't intend to sit down with H and have regular, scheduled R talks, I'd like these to be more spontaneous (H prefers that too).

Just journalling really, it's funny to feel "normal" after 18 months of watching what I say and do. Got to be patient and get used to normal and accept that I've changed and so has H. (yes it's my old fave, the P word!!!)

Hope all well and remember the way of the DB'er is long and hard, many don't do it at all. everyone here is to be congratulated for being willing to put the time and effort into saving their M.