We had a family evening planned. The three of us went to dinner and then to an art show where D16 had a piece of artwork on display. I was happy that we had the start to a nice evening since H will be on business trip the next few days.
After driving into our driveway H says he's going to get cigars. He even told us where he was going since D16 wanted him to pick up something for her. It was just 5 minutes away.
TWO HOURS later he walks into the room and immediately says, "I ran into my brother and had a few beers".
My non DBing response was, "Oh! brother was buying cigars, too?"
It started a fight. I told him I just wish he would have told me he had stopped for a beer (I knew where BIL was because SIL had just been over to our house....just happened to be at the bar where H's "friend" is a waitress on Thursday nights..no where near the cigar store where he said he was going). He says that it shouldn't matter if he goes out and why do I have to act like his mother?
I said it wouldn't matter if he hadn't implied that he'd be gone for a quick trip. I told him I wouldn't have minded if he'd said, "I'm going out for awhile".
I can't figure out why he feels so resentful about telling me his plans. I think it's disrespectful. He doesn't see it that way.
Maybe H's behavior is more discourteous than disrespectful???
I'm sad!!!! Didn't sleep at all!!! Should be a fun day at work. Looks like he wasn't ready to "come back" after all. Guess I need to detach again. Just when I was ready to quit my job and enjoy every free moment together on our boat (it goes in the water next week).....
It is very hard to keep up the hard work when these apparent set backs happen. But now you know, that he wants to be home with his family, but also wants some time in different environments. Please don't take this personally. It could be down to any number of reasons, maybe BIL is more fun when in the bar?
Remember that you have done very, very well to stabilize things. Now you need to re-group while he is away on his business trip and plan how you want to approach the next few months. It always pays to go back to basics. Goals and baby steps never failed me. The man is floundering, and needs you to be strong (only he does not know that, and even if he did, may never articulate it)
Think of amd's new meditation, ok? Hugs to you. Slowly
Matilda, I think your asking the wrong question. It's not how would you react, but how do you transform distressing thoughts/feelings into those that reflect you've reclaimed your personal power?
Do you have a strategy to do that? How quickly will you recover from this incident? What will you do to get back on track with your DB efforts?
I'm finding "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers to be helpful. Albert Ellis also talks about skills in transforming distressing thoughts and emotions into something more constructive.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Thanks so much Slowly, amd, and CL! Communication is obviously a big issue for H and me (lack of proper communication). I want to explain to H that I want to be supportive of his friendships, but they should not be more important than our relationship within the marriage.
H sent me an email basically asking if I thought time apart would be helpful. I emailed back that an alternative was time together without outside influences.
BYW, the "how would you react" was meant to ask more about my question to H, "why didn't you call?" I thought that was a fair question. I should have put it in an I statement. "I wish you had called" instead making him defensive. It is always easier to look back and see that.
H has sent a couple text messages and even called twice. Conversation was short and nothing relationship oriented. Maybe all is not lost after all.
New goals?? Still trying to get the house spotless. I need to do something fun, but right now I have laundry waiting for me! Plan to go to the library to look for that book, CL. I'll check to see if it's available on a cd. I find myself "reading" more while I drive.
H told me he is not sure if he wants to be married or not. Looks like the boat might be his refuge until he figures out what direction he wants to go. So much for my expectations of having fun on the boat--together.
Matilda, Sorry to hear about the news. It's not a suprise, given what you've been describing about him. It didn't sound like he was invested in working on the M.
He sounds like a person in a MLC, who hasn't figured-out what he needs to pursue to make him happy. Does he seem happy to you? If he has an idea of what he needs to pursue, can you support this?
You've said that he revealed the EA to you and what happened. This is good. Was there remorse?
Were there conversations regarding what was learned from the EA, so that he could chart a path for personal growth, that you could support? Were there changes in each person following the affair, indicating each person was striving for growth, followed by changes in relating to each other in ways that supported each individual? I'm trying to understand what's going on here, what is still unresolved, and what positives you have to work with.
This is a sign that changes still need to occur for both parties. He needs to invest in the M, rather than blaming it for his unhappiness. He needs to pursue activities in life that will truly make him happy. You need to increase your independence, self-confidence, and sense of personal power so that you can weather your marital storms, and his MLC. You don't want to put your entire life on hold while he is distant from the M. The goal is to have two happy, self-confident, powerful people, who share their strengths.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
