Well, the day has come and gone, and I'm still standing. Truth be told, work kept my mind busy most of the day, but I certainly didn't have any hour of the day that I didn't think about what today memorialized.
More than 33years of a relationship with one person..good and bad. Two kids, a home, memories shared and made. Horrible times of pain and suffering, and memories of times that were very special.
It all boiled down to the two of us signing a piece of paper (much like we did a marriage license 30 years ago)..and voila..legally, we are no longer man and wife. The home is gone, the kids are out on their own (mostly), xh has lived with OW for 2 years now. She is the age of our oldest son basically, and works with xh. I guess that is why they have 'more in common' than he and I ever did (in his mind anyway). Myself..I have no desire to fall into a relationship. I wish I had a companion to share my life with, but I'm not up to feeling completely vulnerable to someone again. That part of me was beaten to death and buried some time ago. Whether it will resurrect at some point, who knows.
It's not so much the fear of trusting someone again, as it is the fear of being able to trust my OWN judgement about people. I realize now how naive I was about the relationship I had with xh. I was so trusting and so bent on trying to make him happy and get his approval, I forgot to look long and hard at what I wasn't getting enough of in the relationship. That I had every reason to want to feel secure without having to tiptoe so damn much.
I know I've gotten stronger in a lot of ways, and I somewhat like this independent living that I'm experiencing right now. I can belch and fart when I feel like it, and not say pardon me to anyone..because I'm by myself (snicker) But I'm not kidding myself. I miss , with all my heart, the relationship I thought I was in with my H. I miss the stupid little things that made us 'us'. I miss seeing our kids' face with no pain etched in..or them treading lightly not to mention their dad and Twinkie around me. I miss someone in my bed with me..all the snoring and leg jerking included. I miss the arm draped my waist as sleep crawled up around us. I miss talking with someone that had known me for more than half of my life. And there is a very strange part of me that ALMOST misses my now x-inlaws a tiny bit.
I don't know if I'd call what I'm feeling part of standing. I guess what I think I'm doing is not giving up on miracles. I know it would take nothing less than that for xh to change in any way. And I know there is a real chance that he was never whom I thought he was from the beginning. I had 'feelings' throughout our marriage..gut feelings. I don't know that he ever was the person I had thought he was. Could be I was just trying to re-invent someone. I do know that I saw good in him..or I wouldn't have loved him in the first place. But this is the first time that I can genuinely say I do not like him..at all. I'm not proud of who he is now. And, again, this is the first time that I know I really mean that.
I love him..but I don't like him. And I think you need to have both to have a healthy relationship. Must be what he has felt about me for quite awhile now.
I still do, and always will have him in my prayers. I will still pray that his dishonesty and cheating will bring him to rock bottom so that he'll call out to God for help. Realize that he's not able to deal with life without a solid relationship with Him. And I hope that somewhere along the way, he looks back..and I hope he sees me smiling back at him.
Some people say that WAS have to have the divorce to realize if that is what they really wanted. My xh now has the divorce. Who knows if he'll feel differently in the months/years ahead or not. I do know that he walked away from alot. I can only hope that while he's walking the other direction, he goes with memories that will never leave him...or leave him alone. I hope his daytime and his slumber are filled with thoughts and memories of his past that included what our life was about. The positive and loving things.
Never say never.
I know I will never be alone..because my belief and faith have gotten me through these horrendous years since bomb. And even though today marked the end of my (legal) marriage, I strangely feel that not much has changed. I don't feel alone..even now. Thank God for that.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
