Can you help the Brue my friends? PLEASE READ.

[brueniap]

Not sure I can get any answers from my buddies here before this evening which is just a couple hours away really.

I haven't heard from H in 5 days. Wondered why. My mind has been thinking "what's he thinking?".

You see, his lease is up at the end of April. We talked about that for a moment a couple weeks ago - but no major discussion. I did mention that perhaps he could continue renting on a month to month basis. He said he felt sure that he could but that he didn't want to put anymore money out for an apt. That was it!

I actually have been semi dreading this moment because so many things haven't been discussed........so many.

So he came over for lunch today and among other things casually said (as he put his arms around me) "so do you want a room-mate and a husband?"

I've been wondering all week if this was part of the things he was thinking about since the time is drawing nigh to the end of the month.

I said "I can't answer that til we've discussed some things". But I knew there wasn't time now cuz he was going to something in a couple of hours and I don't see this as something that can be decided in a couple of hours. NO WAY!

So I asked what he was doing tonite? No plans. Told him we'd eat together and finish the left overs and I was going to Challenge him big time (just like he loves to do to everyone). He's huge for play "devil's advocate." He does it with everyone in all circumstances. Makes him kind of wishy-washy in a way cuz you can never really tell what he's thinking. You say "black" - he says "white". Then you say "white" - and he says "black". DRIVES ME NUTS!!! He would have questions to answer. He said maybe he wouldn't be able to answer all the questions. I said that was fine - but that he was not to lie to me. I was done with that kind of bullsh!t at this stage in my life. There's other bullsh!t out there to deal with - but I was not dealing with this kind anymore.

I wonder if he just needs a place to stay as he figures out the 'music" dream. Doesn't matter.......I really don't care if he comes back.........or if he stays away. I just know that I'm am not ready to have him home yet if he's going to come thru here planning to live and not offer anything at all to the mix. Pretty simple. I'm not expecting flowery stuff. But I don't want to wake up with him walking out again after a couple of weeks because of how he perceives things.

I don't play games anymore folks. Unfortunately I still have a side of me that's willing to be open and caring and walked on. I'm not sure about our income because he has none for here. Nothing is different since he left.........except me.....and i've grown some balls and am doing alright trying to navigate my life on my own.

On the other hand..........my life is with my Lord. We have discussed this already this morning before H even called me today. I told my Father that I only want what He wants in my life and for Him to please place His words in my heart, mind and tongue. So just because I sound like this now doesn't mean a thing when it comes to dealing with H. Sometimes I spew things out of my mouth that I know came straight from my Lord (when I would have much rather said something else instead).

No relationship talk? Doesn't phase me now.........i guarantee if we don't talk about our R that I won't have him come back here. No games will be played tonite - coming back home is too serious a discussion to make jokes as if nothing ever happened here.

I will know in my heart what is right. I've been so close with God thru this past year or more......I want to stay in that place...without that place - quite honestly - I wouldn't bother to stay married anymore. But I know there has to be more to it than just say goodbye.

The last time he came home a different person was when he had his accident - 10 years ago. It's been a miserable 9 years - til he left. I like being here alone now with him coming by once or twice a week or me going to his place.

there's no arguing.

since he let me back in his life back in the summer.....he still only talks about himself. So I wonder how much of him is really even thinking about me or just looking for a place to stay without having to pay rent. And even that doesn't matter so much as answers to other questions I have.

as for OW talks.........been there, done that.......several times over the years. this is not a concern either. i don't even know how to tell you what my thots are........i just know he has to have the right answers to my questions.

maybe all i'm asking you guys to do is pray for me during this evening and this weekend.

I want to be very careful how i approach this whole scenario.

Thanks for your prayers and thots my friends.


brue