My Heart's Journey into the Unknown

[princess_nic]

Dating:

This has been discussed recently on a couple of threads, and I want to share some thoughts/experiences that may help others.

N.B.I am not asking for advice, nor am I asking to be bonked on the head. I want to keep my thread a safe place for me, which is why I've hesitated in posting about this.

A couple of months ago, I was feeling strong, and thinking that life was/would be just fine w/o H in it. I had finally got to the point that I was happy with my life and I felt like everything was going well: work, friends, social life, kids. Hectic, but good.

I began to seriously consider dating and did, for a few months actually, scope out a few men while out in male/female groups, and chat w/ some nice guys at work. I have even spoken to men I meet around town, or just smiled at guys checking me out. Nothing more than that.

Then I found out that H had a gf. That was a little over a month ago. I had suspected, but wasn't sure until then.

I went on a downward spiral that I am only just coming out of.

Meanwhile, I joined a matchmaking service. I had seen an article in a newspaper a year ago, and thought I would keep it in mind for the future. It is very expensive, but I reasoned that anyone else willing to spend the money isn't just looking for a good time, and I don't actually meet too many quality men that I don't work with.

After a couple of days, I thought I'd made a huge mistake, so I wanted to cancel my membership. I spoke to the owner about it - I had met her, as she meets everyone - and she told me to think about it for a few days, and she would still give me a refund (I had ten days).

I thought about it, but it was Easter and not a good time. I talked to my T, and he told me he thought it was a good idea b/c I'm afraid of dating, so it would take some fear away. Along the lines of facing a phobia. I decided not to cancel, and did talk to one man. Ugh - not interested! He was very negative, didn't seem to like kids, etc.

I again thought, "Have I made a mistake? Is it too soon?" Yes, I know I'm still married, btw. But I don't want to discuss this from a moral standpoint b/c I think that rules don't enter into it for many of us. If we don't date just to follow the rules, we can become resentful and bitter. I know I was.

I got matched again yesterday and didn't like the guys. I spoke to the owner and she rematched me. I don't know if the man is interested or not.

BUT - regardless, I am going to put my membership on hold. I think it's too late to cancel now (I will double check). But I can put it on hold for up to a year, and then restart. In fact, I can even do that again if I'm not ready after a year.

I was so confused about what to do. I was talking to people, reading things on here, praying...but I remained confused. A big part of me just wants to move the hell on w/ someone else. I do believe that some of my healing will actually take place in a new R, esp re. trust.

That said, I am emotionally overwrought right now. I have gone back to barely being able to eat. When I see H's name on call display or email, I dread it. I can't even stand to hear his name. I haven't felt this way in over a year.

Next week, we have our first mediation appt. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to help me through this; it would be nice to have someone to hold me when I'm sad. But that is not enough to base a R on. Sure it could be fun, but I just have so much baggage right now, I don't think it could be healthy.



So that's my story. Sorry for being so long winded. I hope it helps some of you.