My Heart's Journey into the Unknown

[princess_nic]

Dating:

This has been discussed recently on a couple of threads, and I want to share some thoughts/experiences that may help others.

N.B.I am not asking for advice, nor am I asking to be bonked on the head. I want to keep my thread a safe place for me, which is why I've hesitated in posting about this.

A couple of months ago, I was feeling strong, and thinking that life was/would be just fine w/o H in it. I had finally got to the point that I was happy with my life and I felt like everything was going well: work, friends, social life, kids. Hectic, but good.

I began to seriously consider dating and did, for a few months actually, scope out a few men while out in male/female groups, and chat w/ some nice guys at work. I have even spoken to men I meet around town, or just smiled at guys checking me out. Nothing more than that.

Then I found out that H had a gf. That was a little over a month ago. I had suspected, but wasn't sure until then.

I went on a downward spiral that I am only just coming out of.

Meanwhile, I joined a matchmaking service. I had seen an article in a newspaper a year ago, and thought I would keep it in mind for the future. It is very expensive, but I reasoned that anyone else willing to spend the money isn't just looking for a good time, and I don't actually meet too many quality men that I don't work with.

After a couple of days, I thought I'd made a huge mistake, so I wanted to cancel my membership. I spoke to the owner about it - I had met her, as she meets everyone - and she told me to think about it for a few days, and she would still give me a refund (I had ten days).

I thought about it, but it was Easter and not a good time. I talked to my T, and he told me he thought it was a good idea b/c I'm afraid of dating, so it would take some fear away. Along the lines of facing a phobia. I decided not to cancel, and did talk to one man. Ugh - not interested! He was very negative, didn't seem to like kids, etc.

I again thought, "Have I made a mistake? Is it too soon?" Yes, I know I'm still married, btw. But I don't want to discuss this from a moral standpoint b/c I think that rules don't enter into it for many of us. If we don't date just to follow the rules, we can become resentful and bitter. I know I was.

I got matched again yesterday and didn't like the guys. I spoke to the owner and she rematched me. I don't know if the man is interested or not.

BUT - regardless, I am going to put my membership on hold. I think it's too late to cancel now (I will double check). But I can put it on hold for up to a year, and then restart. In fact, I can even do that again if I'm not ready after a year.

I was so confused about what to do. I was talking to people, reading things on here, praying...but I remained confused. A big part of me just wants to move the hell on w/ someone else. I do believe that some of my healing will actually take place in a new R, esp re. trust.

That said, I am emotionally overwrought right now. I have gone back to barely being able to eat. When I see H's name on call display or email, I dread it. I can't even stand to hear his name. I haven't felt this way in over a year.

Next week, we have our first mediation appt. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to help me through this; it would be nice to have someone to hold me when I'm sad. But that is not enough to base a R on. Sure it could be fun, but I just have so much baggage right now, I don't think it could be healthy.



So that's my story. Sorry for being so long winded. I hope it helps some of you.

[Lissett]

I love your honesty and your warmth

you rock sugar, don't let anyone tell you any else.

[bravagal]

Nicola,

Thanks for sharing. As someone who has been sep. for almost 2 years and still has reg friendly contact with my H, I feel the dating thing.

Only you can know if you are ready. As for the married thing, that is just very personal and I think as we have learned in our sitchs it goes so beyond right or wrong. It has to come from the heart , imho, not just from "shoulds" or "should nots".

Could you still cancel and maybe sign up further along the road? Maybe you could try some other events that require less of an emotional and personal committment for now.

Just some ideas...
brava

[princess_nic]

I was able to cancel, so I did that.

Now I'm wondering if THAT was the right decision!! ARGH! This whole thing (MLC) has turned me into an indecisive wreck.

I don't want to act out of fear, but I can't figure out if putting myself out there is acting out of fear of being alone, or if not doing it is acting out of fear.

I guess the fact that I did this right after finding out about this gf is pretty telling, though.

N

[mermaid]

Hi Nicola

Whether to date or not is a personal choice. But I just wanted to share my thoughts. Throughout this whole ordeal I would often think of how nice it would be to have some one new. But that was a red flag for me. Needing someone meant I was not nearly ready to move on. I had to be happy be with myself before I could even consider sharing my life with someone. Otherwise it would be like I was being rescued and I do not want to be rescued. I want to stand on my own two feet first. Get healthy first and then consider dating.

[faithisbelieving]

Been thinking of you...trying to catch up. FIB

[faithisbelieving]

Hi nicola...are you ready for me to shake things up? Having been here for 11 months and trying to fight the good fight for my M, I would never had recommended dating to ANYONE whilst they are in the midst of DB'ing. At that stage, it is confusing, one is vulnerable emotionally and, of course, it contradicts what your whole attitude is about...saving the M.

However, IF...IF...WE chose wrongly...and we've made our changes...GAL'd...and our spouses are gone, or, if you believe your M has become destructive to your mental health (i.e., dead), I think meeting new people is a GOOD thing, but only if and when you are ready. Note I didn't say boinking or looking for love. If we chose wrongly, meeting new people can give you a fresh perspective on personalities. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet a new prince (er...said figuratively).

Very simply said, go with what your heart says. Avoid rushing into a new love since you are still vulnerable. There is nothing wrong with having dinner and a drink witn a new man, and, at the end of the evening, saying, "thank you very much I had a wonderful time".

JMO.

FIB

[I_Still_Love_Him]

Nicola,

Now I'm wondering if THAT was the right decision!! ARGH! This whole thing (MLC) has turned me into an indecisive wreck.

I know exactly what you mean. I can't seem to make a decision outside of work if my life depended on it. I think it's out of fear of making another mistake; whether it's to date or not, to stand or not, what to have for dinner. I've never been this indecisive in my life; I've always known exactly what I wanted.

I do think you did the right thing of cancelling your membership. IMHO, I do not believe you are ready for any serious R. I am with FIB on this one. It is okay to meet new people and go out for dinner and such and then saying Thank You. Go out to meet people and not necessarily look for another R. When the right person comes along, you'll know. Just because you go for dinner, doesn't mean you need to take it any further. You have to be happy with yourself first before you can be happy with someone else.

I know you've been separated for some time now but going through the whole D sitch, has probably, set you back a bit. I know, I'm going through it just when I thought I was doing so well. Deal with one sitch at a time. You don't need anymore confusion in your life.

Sounds like you are already keeping busy with the home, the kids, your friends and family. This is going to take time and I feel like you're trying to rush things. You have a lifetime ahead of you.

Hugs,
ISLH

[princess_nic]

Ah, Frank, Frank, Frank....

I said I didn't want advice!

Seriously, though, I agree with you. I do talk to men; I'm outgoing and don't have trouble meeting people. Only frogs so far, though. But that's okay b/c I'm not in any kind of shape to start a R.

My time is limited and precious, so I don't see the point of dating for its own sake. I get out usually once a week (Sat) with friends or stay home if I want to. Now H is back to having the kids Sat and Sun eves b/c I thought I'd be dating, lol! But that's okay, I'm still busy enough to not be too sad.

OK, I'll tell you something funny - darkly funny, that is - about SuperDad (SD) aka my H, who pretty much igored the kids for 8.5 yrs, till he moved out.

My D10 has had stomach problems since Wed. I think it's an intestinal blockage, probably stress related, since she eats tons of fruit and veg. Anyway, I wasn't sure till yesterday. On Thurs, I usually have choir, but I didn't so I told H I'd be home, so he could take the kids to his place for a couple of hours, but D wouldn't be able to go out anywhere (i.e. ow's place). Well, H decided that it would be better for D10 if she just stayed home w/ me. Of course, he thought S5 should just stay here too. Heck, why spend time w/ him alone? And why spend time w/ D when she's sick and might throw up?

SD said he'd pick them up today at 4 instead of 6 to "make up the time." Of course, D's doing a lot better, or he'd probably cancel again. Once again, he comes in ow's car. This is the third time he's picked up the kids in her car! So I'm thinking, what is with this guy? DID he actually buy the car? Then I realize what's going on: SuperDad still hasn't bought a car seat! He's had the car for a month. D got out of hers around age 7, so it's not like S will be out of his soon (he's not big).

What a guy! He's using his gf's car b/c he can't be bothered to buy a car seat. Oh no, he's probably "too busy." Unlike FIB, the surgeon, who manages to come home with car seats in the new car on the first day.

This morning when I called at 11 to confirm the time for today, I woke him up. He's clearly back to his old habit of drinking heavily Fri night.

So he uses his gf's car. She cooks dinner for him and kids, or sometimes he takes them all out. She has her place all ready for him and the kids on Sunday and gets them lunch. I've noticed that since they've been "official," there's no more doing fun stuff with the kids. They just sit around at her place. What fun for D10! And they are always at her place; I'm guessing it's so she can clean up the mess.

Anyway, it's not my problem.

I just saw "Meet the Robinsons." Fun, but made me cry. Motto of the movie: Let go of the past. Keep moving forward.

[almosthopeful]

Hi nic,

Just checkin' in.

SD sounds a peach, "letting" you keep D AND S when D is sick. He's really got that dad thing down, doesn't he.

Okay, I'm turning my nasty meter down.

What do you have planned for today since the kids are with dad. Something fun I hope.

Hugs.
AH