Okay... I'm back to finish the story. The saga continues...
Thanks for your advice and thoughts, Penny. It's so good to have my "partner in crime..."
1210, I'm not exactly sure what I feel when the despair hits... Hmm... a trigger... I think I just feel a sense of hopelessness and helplessness, feeling like I just can't take this anymore and if I just TAKE ACTION and say or do the right thing, everything will be all right. I am a very impulsive person. In some aspects of life, this can be a good thing. In this particular aspect of my life, this is not a good thing... I see H sometimes, get flooded with emotions - feeling scared, angry, hurt, betrayed, wanting him back, wanting me life back, hating that we're going through this, hating my life right now, yada, yada, yada... Then I just GO... I think in my mind "you shouldn't be doing this..." as I run to him and spew at the mouth things I know I'm going to regret. I guess the triggers are just all of the intense emotions that overwhelm me sometimes. I just start panicking and going from one emotion to the next and letting them snowball and overwhelm me, and then I get impulsive and feel the need to DO OR SAY SOMETHING to try and fix it and feel better, and it rarely works...
So, to continue with the saga...
So, yes, my main focus/fear right now is that of losing my M, of the commitment I made to this man and to myself, to God, to our families and friends. I hate quitting; I hate giving up. And I want to fight for our M. Do I feel this intense set of emotions for this man in that he walks on water? Um, no. Do I think I can feel that way and do I want to feel that way? Yes. I have to believe that it's only natural when you've drifted apart as much as we had romantically before this even happened, and then to have THIS happen on top of that, that it's only normal to not feel close to your partner in that way. How could you?
My goal is to have BOTH of us genuinely make the commitment to save our M and make it something magical. My H is a wonderful man - what he has done and is doing now is not loving and it hurts more than anything, but he is a wonderful person, and I want to be with him. I want to find true love with him again. I don't think it's possible to feel that for him right now, but I pray then if we both make the commitment to make this work and make it better that I will feel that way and that I'll look back on this whole mess and know that it happened because we had lost our way... Does that make sense?
Okay, so that's part of what I thought about in my "think tank" time. That is what the counselor asked me to ponder, whether it is H that I want or that I just don't want to lose my M. It is both, but they aren't really related right now. I DO want H, but not as he/we are now or have been in the more recent past. I want to find something magical between us, and that is going to take time and a lot of work and dedication on both of our parts.
So, the other thing I thought about was this backsliding that I do. When does it happen? Why do I do it? Why am I driving myself crazy with doing the wrong things?
So, let's go through this:
1.) I get to the office every morning, and my heart pounds as I round the corner wondering whether I'm going to see his car there.
2.) I get in to the office, immediately look at his desk, and my heart pounds with hurt.
3.) I usually look in the closet behind his office to see if he's moved anything or taken anything, etc.
4.) I go upstairs to my office and immediately look at the bed to see if it's been messed up.
5.) If it IS messed up, I immediately think about what he was wearing the day before so that when I see him that day I can tell whether he actually stayed at the office or not by seeing if he has different clothes on or not - and then I wonder whether maybe he has spare clothes in his car and still could have stayed at the office regardless of what he is wearing.
6.) If the bed is NOT messed up, then I get a pang of hurt knowing that he stayed the night with OW.
7.) H eventually arrives at some point during the day, at which point he always comes in to the office and never says a word to me. My heart pangs again.
8.) I go down to see H and immediately start "examining him" to see what he's wearing, whether it looks like he took a shower and washed his hair, whether he has shaved, etc., etc. (How sad is THIS: I want to vomit every time he DOES hug me because I can smell how his clothes smell like HER house or HER detergent - I can distinctly smell that he smells different... And that hurts...)
9.) I go back up to my office and look out the window every 10 minutes to see if H's car is still there or whether he has once again left without saying anything to me.
10.) If he HAS left without saying anything to me, my heart pounds again.
11.) If he has NOT left yet, I feel comforted for a moment, only to find that the next moment I'm thinking about whether he's left yet again.
12.) He usually comes back to the office later in the evening to work for a while. So I work while he's there, constantly thinking about whether he is going to leave soon to go to OW's house.
13.) And he eventually does leave without saying goodbye, and my heart pounds yet again.
14.) And then I drive home with a pounding heart and can't sleep and start the next day all over again with the same reactions to everything.
Okay - SO HOW IN THE HECK am I supposed to make myself feel better when I keep putting myself through this day after day after day? I'm killing myself by putting myself through this. I keep telling myself that I'm not going to do most/all of the above things, that I'm just going to go to the office and work really hard and focus and get so much accomplished, and then either all of the above happens or at least some portion(s) of it. I'm putting myself through heck every day, and I'm reacting to my pain when I tackle him with my insecurities and questions and desperation. I see him and I just want to fall apart.
So, I realized, yet again, that I've just got to get myself out of that situation - not forever, but just for now. It's the healthy thing to do for myself since I'm doing the above things and having such a hard time letting them go. I need the distance from him right now. The more I see him, the more I freak out and do the wrong things. The more I'm in an environment where he could come and go at any time and I'm always thinking about that, the more I'm sabotaging my sanity and my chances at doing what I need to do to save my M.
Worse yet, I've finally again heard the words that I've longed so much to hear from H, that he wants to save our M again. Do I know whether to believe him? No. But he's told me for a few days now when I've repeatedly asked, and that's better than a month ago when he told me he didn't want to be married to me. So, WHY the heck am I now falling apart again? I've finally made some progress hopefully by being away from him and distancing myself, and now I'm ruining it!!!! What am I doing? He says he wants to give us a chance, so I freak out and get anxious and want it to be NOW... And then I do things that push him away again...
Now, the thought of moving my office back home scares the heck out of me. As I think Lin said, I'm now thinking, "Okay, what if H decides he LIKES not having me around?" "What if H brings OW to the office because he knows I'm not there?" "What if I do this and it just pushes him away?"
Oh, yes, devil's advocate I play with my mind. Then I remember Vegas, how it was so incredibly hard but yet so much easier to be away from him - how strong I was. I still can't believe I went all by myself and didn't talk to him "live" one time while I was gone and didn't end up seeing him for a week and a half... Where did I find that strength? I found it because I was out of his space, OUR space, away from him I think.
So, I drove back to my office tonight and called the moving company and scheduled my move back to our house for next Monday morning at 8am. I felt empowered and strong after I made the call, and now I feel sick to my stomach... I'm scared. I'm hurt. I don't want to lose H. I want to save my M. So, at this point, because of everything I've mentioned above, moving my office home seems the best thing to do right now to help my cause.
I can only pray that by me not being around anymore he will continue to "come around" and miss me and that his feelings he proclaims of wanting to save our M will strengthen and he will continue with his own journey. I can also only pray that this move will help ME to find the strength to continue my own journey, without torturing myself every day, day in and day out.
I'm so scared... The tears are starting now, so I better run before I get all upset.
Monday is the start of a new day, a new week, a new me, a new H, and hopefully the start of the beginning of saving my M...
I know you're scared...have a good cry...let it out...
YOU are making the BEST and smartest decision by moving your office home...
However, we are here to prevent you from falling. We are here to help you think straight...to get you back, to where you need to be.
BTW - you ask all those questions continually because in your mind - you don't believe him, you want to, but you don't trust him - he's not given you any true signs of working towards the marriage. You know this, so you want any kind of reaction...
Your own mind is trying to self-preserve you...it's trying to lessen the pain...but you punish yourself by hurting you...only. It doesn't hurt him...but, it destroys you...you are angry at yourself - when the anger should be focused on him.
You go girl. In the world of healing and growing - scary is good.
I know it feels weird, and counter-intuitive, that taking yourself away from him will draw you to him - but think about it the other way. You were just going along giving him a little bit of attention every now and then until you knew he was moving away from you. Then he's in your head 110% of the time.
It will be the same for him. While you are 'there' all the time, he doesn't have to put you in his head - but as you move away from him, he will have to fill that head space up with you himself. He will. You'll see.
Stop thinking about OW. Don't give her any power over you. If you must think of her, imagine her to be a golf club or a fishing boat - she's just something that gives him another place to be. Get her out of your head.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
You've made the first big step by calling the movers Great Job Girl!! I know that sick feeling of the checking to see if anything was different in his trailer and in his pick up ,when I would check the phone bill. It's an anxiety panic attack that we set ourselves up for. I still get them in smaller doses. It is a big knot in your chest and stomach. But as time has gone by an I think I have hardened up Thanks to reading all the advice you guys have given. They are not so bad. Sometimes it feels like someone has hit you in the stomach.
I know what you are saying about distance.. I was wishing at one time my H would stop helping his brother and leave and go on another job he was thinking about. It is easier to find yourself while they are away.
Well it is late. You are doing great. One step at a time. Keep moving forward.
You are starting a new LIFE...You Can and Will DO IT.
1210, my new thread was help YO YO H is killin me. Can you tell I had had it the other day.
Calling movers is good....I really wish you had done that before you had this week of "no-no's"....it will take H some time to miss you now....be aware of that and be prepared...you see the questions and the asking for hugs and the following him around the office and out the truck....those things WILL linger in his mind for quite awhile...and for awhile he will be relieved you won't be at the office...
The good side to this is it will give him some place to go that is neutral to both you and OW...he will have HIS space....in time he will think...and IF you give him the space, detach...this will allow him to see more clearly
During this time...and I am only going to say this once because I refuse to enable your behaviors....YOU NEED TO FOCUS AND WORK ON YOU ONLY!!!!...period...it is VITAL and CRITICAL to YOUR success...I am not talking about your R/M...but YOU
I hope you can do this...I hope you don't repeat history again...you have been given a chance that honestly I was beginning to question with all that you had done this week to sabotage yourself...so don't blow this one...
Good job scheduling the move - NOW JUST GO THROUGH WITH IT despite your doubts this weekend!!!!
You say: "My goal is to have BOTH of us genuinely make the commitment to save our M and make it something magical."
You cannot have a goal for H - you can only set goals for YOU!! He is NOT committed to you or the R. I believe he is saying as much about your R as he is to appease you - been there with my H - they tell us only what they think we can handle or want to hear. They really don't want to hurt us more than they already have so out of guilt they say something they feel is trivial yet we bank our whole world on what they are saying. We analyze it and make it so much more than they ever intended.
You may be running out of chances with H - are you willing to risk that right now? Avoid H at all costs....
Please try to focus on just you - go and read other people's sitch's see how they have changed over time. You need to practive patience, patience, patience! You can only change YOU not H or the OW. I know this is easier said than done but with time you will get through this with or without H.
I wish you peace!
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
Thanks, guys. Am having a hard day already today - woke up at 3:15 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep... Am doubting my decision about the move now, of course. I feel lost, empty inside, sad...
It IS hard hon. We all feel that, have felt that. It sucks.
But the only way to get better is to fight through the pain. You can't give in to it, or it will never really go away.
I understand the doubting...just read my thread, I feel like a yoyo. But now I'm doing the toughest thing I've ever done, and I am beginning to feel stronger and better about ME.
Well you know the alternative to moving the office - you probably will help expedite the ending of any R you have left with H.
It's hard to face the truth...we have all been here...we are just trying to save you from some of the pain --but you will go about how you feel is best for you. Try and think of the consequences of your actions - stop trying to just think of what you are feeling at the moment. Will it feel any better to see OW ultimately with your H?????
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
Keep doubting yourself and you will take the fast track to divorce court...then again, H may just decide to use you further...have you help him save face with the family...never come home and never divorce you....just keep this sick rollercoaster ride going...
As for me...I can see the writing on the wall...if you don't move your office out there is NOTHING MORE I CAN DO TO HELP YOU...I do have my own problems and it does help me to help others...it DOES NOT help me to beat my head against a brick wall and watch someone go down with the sinking ship....so this is it...
IF THERE IS NO MOVE....I WILL THEN SAY GOOD BYE...if you move....I will continue to do what I can...you had realized how Easter could impact things negatively for you yet at the last minute you folded and went...what has been then consequences of that since???...begging, pleading, questioning, hugging, trapping....so I am stating for the record now that if you back out of moving your office that you will continue with more of the same and I can't do anymore to help you...sorry but that is how it has to be...and in time I am sure others who have been here from the start with you will do the same...
I am committed to not enabling you in your crippled state any longer...it has been long enough...get it together or keep sinking into the sad dispair that you claim to hate....
