W at Home, Yet Sleeps Elsewhere

[Concerned_Listener]

Matilda and Being,
I have to be careful here. I think making a unilateral decision could impose some harm in the R. She has asked me if I want her to go. My response has been if she wants to go.

She wants to take a trip to Puerto Rico for a dance convention, which is not in our budget. I told her that maybe only one of us should go to Boston, to save money, for her trip. I am showing ambivalence about the Puerto Rico trip for different reasons.

I also have to make a decision as to whether or not to attend her neices piano recital in two weeks. I think she's expecting me to go. This has been one of our family rituals over the years. If I were not to go, it would "raise her eyebrows", and possibly start a negative trend.

I'm not in a situation where I can do a pure LRT. She wants to maintain some connection with me, even though she sleeps elsewhere. I don't think her connecting is entirely guilt-related. I think she likes spending time with me, and finds my presence calming and supportive.

I continue to make these invitation decisions based on my ability to be present and positve during those events. It's not about "moving-on", but choosing the appropriate amount of distance vs. connection that is best for me and the R at this time.

I'm getting "cold" feet about the party this weekend. My plan is to spend about an hour there, and see how I'm doing at making connections. I think not going would be a mistake.

I found a good article on the dynamics of infidelity on infidelity.resources.com. It's by Shirley Glass, and appeared in Psychology Today, in the mid-90's. I'll be sharing what I've learned in future posts.

It helped to broaden my perspective, in viewing the infidelity as not simply being a result of the failures of the LBS. It's more complicated than that. The author states that one problem is the WAS believes that he/she isn't receiving enough from the M, but the problem is that they ARE NOT GIVING ENOUGH TO THE M. They simply want the M to make them happy. How's that for "food for thought?"

CL