I don't know where my thread is so I'll start a new one. I don't post much anymore, nothing to tell. Things are good with me and my H, but I have a question for veteran "piecers". Do you ever stop wondering if you made the right decision in staying with a complete *@%hole? Sorry, but sometimes I get this incredible feelilng that I shouldn't be with this man. He destroyed a part of me that I want back and it's something that he'll never, ever, be able to give back to me.
Just wondering from you all. It's been 2 years since I found out about his A and I'm really sick of these feelings coming over me. Somedays I'm able to get over it and other days, I just get on my own nerves about how I love this man and at the same time hate him.
what's normal? I don't think there is any one particular answer for that. It is whatever you want it to be, I guess when you feel you have accepted your sitch as it is
Some can hang in there longer than others, some throw in the towel and regret later. Does it make one right and one wrong - no!! We all have our limitations and only YOU know where yours are
Sounds to me like you are pretty bitter though - here it is, two years later and you are still calling him an "*@%hole" - I gave that up already and I am into my 4th month of a second go-around with my H. Calling him names and being bitter about things hurts ME, and only ME, it does nothing to correct the situation and nothing to move things forward. It keeps us in the moment, in the hurt, in the pain. It's like a wound that we keep picking at, never allowing it to heal
Forget about getting "that part back" its not going to happen, its gone, get over it and move forward to make new memories, a new life together, better than the one before. If you keep waiting for the "old" to come back, you will be waiting a lifetime AND do you really want the old life to come back? After all, it is the old life that got you where you are today
You need to forgive him and move forward, forgiving is a gift you give yourself. It has nothing to do with him. It doesn't mean that you have to forget or that you condone what he did. All it does is free you from the burden you are currently carrying around
It's time Gwyn to do something for yourself and move forward, away from the pain and hurt, it's been long enough
If you don't feel that is something you can do, you either need to seek counselling to help you do it or get away from the sitch altogether - your decision, only you know what is best for you
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Of course you're right. I've told myself those same things for the past two years. This month unfortunately is a trigger. This is the month that I found out and I'm unable to keep my dreams in check. I dream about this all of the time. Name calling, well that's totally immature and totally shows that I've not forgiven. Well, I post here my concerns so that I don't bring this up to him. I don't want US to hurt anymore. I'll do the hurting all by myself. Again, time does heal the pains and for the most part I'm okay. This month is not good, at least for me any way.
As far as making new memories, here's the kicker. We are, and I don't enjoy being with him as much as I use to. I'm not sure why, but it's like the veil has been lifted and I'm not so "goo goo" in love any more. As a reminder, we are both older, I'm 48, he is 51, second marriage. He began his A 1 year after we were married so we were newlyweds. We dated 3 1/2 years before we got married and they were full of adventure, loving and the best times of my life. Now, unfortunately, I see him differntly. Totally, a lack of respect. Yes, I love him, but no I'm not crazy in love with him like before. Does this make sense?
of course it makes sense and if you are waiting for the honeymoon to come back - forget it, it won't, period!!
I was the same way. We were totally in love with each other (or so I thought) people couldn't believe how we never said a bad word about each other and used to bug us saying "oh come on, there must be something you don't like about each other"
Nope, we both had our flaws but were willing to accept each other the way we were. We were the last couple on earth anyone would have suspected something like this to happen to - especially twice! And, as far as "everyone" is concerned we are still the same couple because no one, and I mean no one, other than the psychologist, knows about this sitch. We are still the "ideal couple" to my daughter (if she only knew, it would blow her world apart)
Being "crazy in love" isn't exactly the best place to be. When I look back at where we were (kinda the same "crazy in love" phase) it wasn't reality. I think we swept a lot of things under the rug because we didn't want to deal with them. I could go on for pages here about all the issues that have come to the surface since all this crap happened but its all water under the bridge.
Am I glad it happened? NO !! Am I glad we had to go through it? NO!! Would I like to go through it a third time? HELL NO!!
But, would I go back to where we were (i.e. crazy in love) - NO!!
Why? Because that isn't reality and I know, one day, we will be in a much better place, a more peaceful, loving, mature kind of place that I wouldn't trade for the world and I can hardly wait until we get there
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
For me, I believe that's exactly why I married my H. He was so sweet, caring, loving, all the things that I longed for. Did he have his flaws, yes, did I have mine, yes, but we, like you said, we overlooked them because we wanted to see the best in each other. I had concerns before I married him because he seemed almost too good to be true. Well, my intuition was right, he was. And now, I don't know if I'll ever "get over it" because now I see all of his flaws and now I have to deal with them and now - I don't like his flaws. Again, I'm not throwing in the towel, but I don't believe everything he tells me. For example, I've always been very particular in paying bills, never late, etc. He is constantly late on bills to a point where I get phone calls regarding unpaid amounts, I've even had one of our services disconnected for unpaid bills. Of course, he lied about it and said "I paid them" but as soon as I asked a few questions, it was obvious to him that I was quite aware that he was lying. I didn't embarrass him or call him out on his lie, but he knew that I knew. It annoys the crap out of me. I could go on about pre marriage and post marriage, but I hope this post gives you some idea of what he's like.
Thanks for listening and thanks for your posts. I really relate to what you say.
remember to challenge every thought you have, just because you have a thought come to you head doesn't mean it is true, you are having "emotional thoughts" which assault all of us regularly, but it is up to us to analize and ditch the negative irrational thoughts.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Okay, I'm going to share something that I haven't ever mentioned and hopefully you all will see why I have such difficulty. Brace yourself as this is "Jerry Springer" stuff. My H OW had an A with his daughter. His OW was very sick, but it keeps me walking in this guessing game of whether to stay, he and his family seem to very trashy. My family has its issues, but my goodness, his OW, 20 years younger than him, had a relationship with his daughter? Does it get any worse?
I knew this was a little too racey, but I'm needing someone to advise me. Ultimately, I know to work on the marriage is my decision and frankly, I've made that decision, but how do you get past not only the A, but the other garbage that went with it? Daily, I get up and try not judge, but this is so way out there for me, the conservative. Any help out there?
Your H's OW had an A with your H's daughter? This sounds pretty confusing. Did your H know about this before he had the A with the OW? And how old is this daughter?
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
His D was overseas and his OW began e-mailing her during her and my H affair. I believe trying to get her foot in the door with his kids. The OW and D are closer in age than the OW and husband. D is in early 20s and OW early 30s. H is early 50s. Anyway, D & OW became pals and then it progressed. My H found out about all of this when the A was exposed. This has put a tremendous strain on his relationship with his D. D has become homosexual and now he and his D don't hardly speak with one another. What a tangled web we weave...... My involvement in this is nill, but it strips to the very core of my favorite saying "you are who you hang out with". It is very hard to deal with on an intellectual level. giving my H the benefit of the doubt, he knew nothing about what was going on, but he's the one that got us all tangled up in this.
