He is leaving to be alone to THINK - now what?

[ourcrisis]

good news!! We had dinner. H told me that he has told her that he is ending the relationship with her because it cannot go on like this. I told him I am glad that he made the decision.
I purposely left it very open because I do not want to impose any condition on him. I had a feeling that he was expecting me to but I tried my best not to. I did say I need him to be honest and open and commit to work on our relationship. Not a very definite answer on that but I think he is willing to.
Now about coming back. Orginally, we both thought it's a good idea for him to come back as soon as possible (for the kids). But I thought about it for one night, I told him I am not ready. He is still "in the process" of ending the relationship with her. Although I do trust him to honor his commitment to me (Oh god, that "trust" word again, don't I ever learn???), I am not ready to still have "three persons" in our relationship when he moves back. I told him I am scared that he will flip flop after he moves back and moves out again. And I also want this NEW relationship to start only when he is caring about me 100%, not still caring about her feelings, which he is still now. I can understand that he needs some time to finish this, though. So I basically said I prefer him not to move back till he at least show some actions about commitment and only when he is willing to spend all his energy on me, and me alone. I did not give him any guidelines, any timelines, or any advice. I don't want to push him to do anything anymore. It is all up to him to deal with it. He said he understand but I think he is worried about what to do since I sense that he wants to move back quickly and with this condition, it is tough to end it quick and move back.
Meanwhile, I am feeling pretty good, cautiously optimistic. I am holding myself back not to be too happy because I am still scared that he won't be able to cut off all contacts with OW. At the same time, I know I can live without him (funny all things broke in this two weeks, computer, toaster, etc. but I dealt with them all). I want him a lot but I do not need him (read that somewhere)
I will post more details as I have more time. Right now I have to fix my main computer so I can get back to my household paperwork. Using my kids' computer is just not the same :-)
I guess I will be moving to piecing soon. Just want to say thank you all for being here for me all these times. Your presence really really helped me through the worst period of my time. Through your advice and support, I have grown and I now value my friendships with other people much better. Thanks.

[lovelyolive]

Congratulations OC... I'm jealous
Wish my conversation went that well..

[HeartScared]

I am happy for you Ourcrisis.

[Heartbroken]

You are right just be cautious - and the piecing group is not "as there" as much as this group - I have moved to piecing but post little to my sitch-- due to the pace - the lack of drama has slowed our whole sitch down somewhat (this is good)!

Ow probably will try to contact him - be prepared there too. My H Ow called three sep times, text'd and emailed him too. He told her buh bye over a month ago and yet it's only been three weeks since he actually talked to her. This addiction will lesson with each week but the marriage builders site says usually 3 wks minimum to get over it...

I am very happy for you - but you are being way smarter than me - I wanted him back ASAP - he held back thank God! Cuz now I do see he can only come back when he's 100% mine and he's almost there emotionally - we talk that May will be his last month at the apt - but we still take it day by day!

Piecing isn't much easier - the best part is now you are working with him vs. by yourself. R talks are still tuff and future talks are even tuffer but you have come sooooo far - just don't quit the DBing - it's so easy to slide into our old ways! CONGRATS!!!!

[ourcrisis]

Thanks for all the congrats. I am happy that he is coming back, but yes very cautious because I really felt my heart is truly broken and I am not sure if we can both go through piecing. It's like all my energy is used up in DBing and getting him to verbally commit now I don't know if I have anything left to fight the "real war".

Heartbroken, I have to tell you that you have been a great inspiration to me. I looked upon your journey as my guideline. At dinner with h, I told him I probably want him home ASAP, though hestitant without knowing why. THen after dinner, it darned on me that it's because of how cautious your h is about slowly coming home from end or Apr to May and how ow is calling, etc. I'm like, "now I know i need to go SLOW!!!". Believe me, you are a great force for I am sure not just me and many others here. Thanks.

H called last night saying he just wanted to hear my voice. I am quite sure that's just one of those "lines" to get the girl without much meaning. But I am glad that the effort to just to pretend. He did say he thought about what I said about not coming home until it's really over. He agreed and he told me yes, ending it was not as easy as he thought. I didn't ask more. I suspect it's either he cannot stop thinking about ow, or ow is calling/meeting h. So there is probably still contact there. H still seems to think he can come home soon (lease is ending in 2 weeks) but I am not so sure. However, I didn't say anything either because now I figure it is his problem to deal with. My condition is he's all for me when he's back. Whichever way he deals with it, whenever he comes back, it is his problem.
I am thinking about communicating with him a bit more or may be even a lunch, dinner every so often just to keep the sparks going. But have to be very careful to see what is appropiate. I really don't want to push him, ever.

[Heartbroken]

Thanks for your kind words!

You seem to know what cautious steps to take - moreso than I did at this stage! Just go with your gut feel - too many times we poo poo our internal red flags - we need to recognize them more!!

At first I let H call me and I was detached as much as possible. We do talk several times a day now and I sleep with the cell phone in case I have anxiety attacks in the middle of the nite - he always answers too! I do get anxious when he does not pick up because this is how it went when he was busy with OW on the phone.

Flashbacks and triggers are something fierce right now and I am going through some really sad periods again - but at least I can cry to him without him running away. He is helping me through my emotions (finally).

You may have to set some boundaries with your H stating that he needs to be COMPLETELY honest if there is ANY contact from the OW on her part or his. You just need to be careful of your reaction if she does call him - I was never angry at H just very proud and happy that he was telling me the truth - praising him like he was five yrs. old...I was upset - but more with her than him....

I was asking H daily 'Any form of communication today?' - he would joke no calls, text's, emails, smoke signals...." I am starting to forget to ask but still do occaisionally. My H knew if he lied about her again I WAS FILING - three strikes and he was out. My heart cannot take any more lies - he knows I am serious since I never said I would file before during all of his BS...

You are doing great! Baby Steps and end ALL interactions with H on a positive note!

[ourcrisis]

still here. I am very sad today. weekend I know they are together and he is still seeing her. I am not sure how long I can stand this. may be that's what he wants. just wait for me to give up. I am feeling so sick to the stomach. I am feeling very depressed and I know this is not good. I hope this is a short term thing and I will get over it.

[lovelyolive]

I feel for you OC. You can't control him - only you. It's so hard but, true. Just try to be positive in your interactions with H.

[Heartbroken]

What happened with him telling you it was over with OW? How do you know he was with her? Is he done or not? WTH???

I feel so bad for you...Make sure he is totally done before he comes home or you risk him leaving and I think the coming and going will be too hard on your boys!!

[ourcrisis]

HE IS BACK!!!
Details below:
He was basically not responding the whole weekend. Only a very brief, cold text message asking about computer parts. Otherwise, no response even on my text (informing him about our great garage sale, etc.) He said he was going to call me to talk but did not.
So basically I became very depressed. After I told him I don't want him to come back until he is sure he is done with her, then nothing from him. What would I be thinking!!!!! I had horrible assumptions, like how I have pushed him away, how he cannot really let go of her despite the speech, may be she is begging him and they decided to have a whole weekend fun together, or may be the whole thing is just a lie, etc. It did not even make sense but I was thinking horrible stuff. I was crying in front of the boys. Of course, being boys, they had no idea of what's going on. I told them I am sad so I cried. My older one also got teary eyes (he is close to me) but they were back to playing after 5 minutes. Kids!!!
Monday he finally called. He simply told me he is moving back Monday night, and that's it. I sensed that he is not ready to let me have a say in this, so I just said OK. So now he is home. He did hug me and said "THANK YOU" when he moved back. He said it first but eseentially both of us did not want to talk about anything Monday night so we just spent the night doing usual stuff (i.e. watching TV, talking about household stuff).
Where am I now? I am glad that he is back. At least I know his action shows that he is trying. I don't know any details about the level of contact now with OW and I have a feeling I am not allowed to ask. I think I will have to just continue to DB for now. It is so tempting to just ask, but I am glad this board has put some sense in me not to. not yet anyway.